A to Z

When you try to recall all the major failures and successes in life

2011-11-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am in one of those periods when an upcoming big event will probably make a significant difference in my life. one of those that resembles me having a scholarship that i pretty much want very much, or like maybe having confessed to a girl of my feelings for her and eagerly awaiting her reply. or should I say, still in the planning stages of making that confession.

the fear of rejection, failure could grip you hard. especially when you think of how disappointed you were when you failed to make it for some of the significant things that meant quite a bit to you. a dropped subject in JC, a lost competition, a commissioning parade that didn't happen, an interview that you should have aced etc. some of those arguably were not in your control etc...

and then you thought of the moments when you triumphed in life. for all those that failed, it was all those that you made for that brought you to where you are right now. and so since, i wouldn't consider myself to be in a position that i particularly find unfortunate, I guess I am alright. but thinking back at those successes, it was really that 'i've got nothing to lose' attitude that i recall to be most vivid. it might not be a causative relationship, but well, I guess it did just allow me to say what I wanted and well, hope for the best. of course i guess the prep work is impt too blah blah blah...

when you've been here long enough

2011-05-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

you know it when you have been in a country long enough when you have the chance to talk to 2 old men and realize that old men here are no much different from old men in your country. I've had 2 sets of older men come to me this week with a proposition of how they intend to 'take over the world'. 1 was my dad. in fact, there probably was a time when he would come up with a new plan every week, so its no big deal I guess.

Of course, its stupid to think that just because I am younger and sort of like more savvy, that these people whose been through life has been outrun by the speed of change in this new generation. they definitely still do have things to offer. its just perhaps I dont see the practicality of what they bring to the table. they have lots of experience talk. but few that I find applicable today. of course, I have an old man side of me. I dont use twitter. I find it very difficult to learn new IT stuff, I prefer to still physically go shopping instead of making my purchases online etc. So in a way, me being outrun by the generation, has already begun from day 1. simply put, if you dont run, you are bound to fall behind behind those who sprint. you cant even go for a brisk walk. its not a world of speed anymore. its more of who has the acceleration.

enough of all these generation talk.

you know I really think that Tokyo has very few to offer me anymore. although there are tons of things to learn in the company, I just find this rhythm really very very routine. although I am not complaining about it. I find it rather easy to sort of earn money, with each day involving just moving around, sending some emails, handling some stuff etc. but I just find I am not growing that much. or should I say, all of these growth I am sort of like trying to achieve, should have somehow been done in uni!

but then again. time is just so limited now. I have so much I want to read and so but so little time.

a slightly more private status update

2011-03-14T03:36:00.000-07:00

been staying home all day. in fact for the past few days. supposedly glued to the tv for news on the earthquake. but as a matter of fact, I am not really following every single bit of info coz they are fairly repetitive. a few quick ones that I just want to rant:

life goes on. i was jogging on sunday, 2 days after it happened, with lots of feelings of danger and stuff, but i still went out for a jog anyway, partly also to 'survey' the surroundings rather than just get all the info from the news. as i was running, i was reminded that the sakura season is round the corner. life goes on isnt it. not that the sakura wont blossom because of the national tragedy. i wonder how this years sakura season, with all the hanami and supposed happy celebrations would turn out for Japan. for an outsider who has not experienced this all his life, i was half thinking that its part of the way of life for Japanese for all such natural disasters. after all, it is probably the most hit, most prepared and probably most used to country for such stuff. but yet, I sense that I am wrong. that it obviously is not a daily, annual, or even whatever close to what I am assuming. many have told me they have never experienced disaster to this extent. perhaps some of the previous memories have stayed on, but it probably was the previous generation who still remembered the previous big one which happened in Kobe in the 1990s, and of course, the region is totally different. but the bottom line is, life goes on. when a price tag is finally estimatable on this disaster, Japan will and is expected to move on from there. it might be usd 100 bil, which was the previous figure for the great Hanshin earthquake, but i suspect it might be more this time, with the tsunami, although it hit a less populous area in the tohoku area and northern Kanto area.

in the past few days, I've received countless mails, facebook msgs, sms, anyway way of contact that could reach me. i've even been approached several times by media who wants interviews, reports on the situation in tokyo. some of my family have urged me to consider going back to singapore for time being in fear of many of the situation here, especially the risk of the nuclear meltdown. to be honest, it feels good to be this remembered. it reminded me of how my dad has really gone into that stage where he is cherishing his loved ones. yet, regretably and ironically, I have not received any contact from Mum.

a life of numbers

2010-12-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

24 hours

17 hours awake

2 bath towels

3 suits

10 shirts

2 hangkys

about 10 hours on iphone and computer screens

0 TV

always 1 coke in the fridge

1 nice and warm comforter for the winter

...

I shall try again

2010-11-24T06:03:00.000-08:00

0715: i wake up to my alarm ringing. I slowly make my way to the bathroom to wash up, while boiling some water on the way.

0720: water boils, I tear a sachet of coffee or tea and make myself a warm cup of whatever to go with the cold morning. I quickly put on my heat tech, to not catch a cold while walking around, and struggle whether to make breakfast, which often ends up as nothing.

0745: I slowly decide what to wear for the day. not that I have that many choices. I wax my hair, put on some cologne, underwear, pants, with the heat tech still on and a shirt on it. I put on my blazer and another winter jacket on top. I look at the time.

0815: I do my final checklist of items, waller, namecard holder, keys, company pass, iphone, umbrella (after checking the weather), scarf/gloves, when it gets cold. I undust myself with the sticker roller thing to pick away all the dust. I remember my notebook, pen and all the things in my working bag.

0820: I get out of house, say good morning to Tokyo, and walk to the station. along the way,I pass by a coffee place with an auntie who says good morning, I keep to the left because its too crowded, occasionally needing to cut to the right. I cross a 4 way junction, pass my a smoking corner normally filled with working people taking a morning puff, before I head up the escalator to the train station. the whole distance takes me a mere 6 mins.

0830: I normally take 1 of 2 trains which goes to my office, of which many people alight at my station, so I dont take a filled train typically of tokyo, but I rarely have a place to sit. I whop out my iphone, read straits times online and sometimes check nba scores online.

0840: I reach Tokyo station, once again, alighting at the back of the train so that its nearest to my exit. I keep left while I walk again, often walking behind people who are already going in the same direction. I see highways of people, for an efficient morning commute.

0845: I reach the office, on my com, record on the time I reach, set down my bag and head to the toilet. I return and check my emails.

0900: the office gets busier and I start my task.

1130: I head to the toilet.

1215: I head for lunch, often a bento store downstairs and bring it back to the office pantry to eat.

1300: an after lunch coffee prevents me from dozing off after a heavy lunch.

1500: I get up and take a walk to the pantry to fill my water.

1830: I get off work, head home.

1845: I reach home, heat up some curry made the night before, fry a steak and toast some bread as dinner. I check out NBA highlights while eating.

1915: I finish dinner and place everything in the sink to be washed later.

1930: I head out again for Japanese classes.

2000: I reach the language centre, start class on Japanese grammar with Xianna.

2130: class ends, I feel tired. I head home.

2145: I reach home, undress, and wash the dishes. I check my email, occasionally type things like this.

2215: I take a shower.

2300: I collect my clothes from the balcony, and fold them and keep them. those that requires ironing, I put aside for the weekend.

2310: my girlfriend calls and tells me shes is going to the hot spring.

2315: I go online for a quick chat with whoever.

2330: I moisturise myself before I head to bed.

tokyo 24 hours

2010-11-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

0715: I wake up to the sound of my iphone's alarm ringing. (while I am typing this, i get stuck for moments at some punctuations because the japanese keyboard has their ' and , etc at different places from the english keyboard. and I am semi used to both (neither). anyway, back to it, I wake up to my alarm, pretty easily. on tired

外国启示录

2010-11-20T00:52:00.000-08:00

星期六的下午，天好快就转暗了，有些加强了我一个人的周末的感觉。左抹抹右擦擦的，不觉得望着前些日子洗下的照片，是我们家的全家福。看着照片，我想起了自己的生活，那非常简单，从零开始，一个人在日本打拼的生活。2件篮球裤，5件底裤的那种从零开始的生活。顿时领悟到，‘原来生活是可以那么的简单的呀！’。

象这样子，可以一整天待在家里的日子，其实除周末之外，很少了。也偶尔会让我非常想家。再过3年，可能真的不想在往外跑了也说不定。真的说不定。人生可能就关键在这三年了。钱要赚得够，老婆要找得对，很多事情就看这3年了。

在东京其实算是个让我集中精神开拓事业的好地方。就因为这里也没什么朋友，应酬，所以真的周末都可以集中精力做自己要做的事。学学日语，读读一些自己业界的书，真的还瞒集中的。而且我的问题往往就在太多社交，在新加坡真的很难有着样子的自己的时间。

another day in Tokyo

2010-10-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

1 month into the job, I'm starting to develop some sort of a routine in my daily life in Tokyo. waking up at the same time because my body clock is used to it etc. i get up at like 830am latest even on weekends now. which i think is a really good thing. routines include making myself a warm cup of coffee or tea in the morning, getting dressed etc. in the morning, when I get to work, the roads at my place are congested with people, I even have a routine of which side of the road to walk, same thing for Tokyo station. I get to work, and I have a routine of keying in my pass number to log in the time etc.. I even have a certain time at which I go to the washroom. which is why i thought the human body has this amazing ability to time things and make it function like a robot man. i normally go to the same bento place to buy a cheap bento and have it in the pantry where some of my female colleagues would have made their own bento which they brought to the office.

at night, sometimes I return to my station, and having meals alone have also been somewhat of a routine here. if U think i'm becoming a loner, think again. everyone does that here. I reach home and the routine starts again, just that I am undoing everything I am doing in the day. throwing the laundry into the washing machine, checking email, etc..

The Cove

2010-10-13T06:44:00.000-07:00

before I even head there, to talking about how I feel after watching it, I just have to say, that its hard to be an activist. I head back from work, and by the time I finish watching a show that triggers me to be active, or so the narrator said, its really 2250 at night, I have to work tmr, with all the bills stacking up.. thats life in the city. sure I have a choice. but thats just it. no excuses. and i'm not going to start with all those arguments about why we should stop whaling and well, maybe all the so called natural reactions. reactions that are, by design supposed to be stirred by having your emotions being touched so badly... I'm just going to say... its hard to be an activist without a cause, to go to the extent of those filmakers. one of the things that I observed in the film was their attempt to subtly get more people to want to be active like them in the bid to 'free' the dolphins. but if we carefully examine, all of them had their special encounter with dolphins. one of them was responsible for building that dolphin aquarium industry thats why he felt guilty, remorse and so on and therefore a special reason to free those dolphins. he is in a way, indirectly the one who started all these and just attempting to correct what he started. another character had a dolphin save him from a shark while surfing. sure, i am not going to go down that road about every culture has their traditional food and if we slaughter chickens and cows, why cant we slaughter dolphins? but I bought in to their idea that if its their culture, why doesnt the rest of Japan know this? is it their culture to sell dolphins as fake whale meat? I do not mind sharing this, but I was guilty the other day. out of a curiosity to taste 'whale' meat, I ordered a sushi. and i noticed that whale sushi wasnt displayed on the sushi restaurent's menu, but instead just one of those written note on the conveyor belt. i wonder if it was their attempt to tone it down on whale meat, altho i was told it might be just the season menu thats why its not on the perm menu. I seriously wonder if I ate dolphin and i wouldnt be surprised if i did. It tasted like horse meat, which is something else that japanese people eat. red meat that tasted like horse meat sashimi. I wonder if there was another horse lover to the equivalent extent of that guy who would go and shoot an activist film on horses.

despite all these sarcastic remarks, I really am in support of ending this trade. of course then some japanese with the exceptional talent of filmography could shoot a documentary on how the lives of those families affected by the wipeout of that dolphin industry suffered and trigger this back and forth of who makes the most intriguing films and garners the most international support to their causes. I doubt that japanese version will have a good argument tho. bottomline, with those dolphins slaughtered, where are their meat sold to? i dont see that much dolphin meat being sold.... and I really do suspect that alot of those whale meat is actually dolphin meat. and if it is true that dolphin meat contains a toxic amount of mercury, then why?

I think u need a life changing experience to be an activist. I am wondering if that guy did not have his turn of fate, would he be where he is today, being an activist and so on. but i do think that he should all be aware of this and watch it. what they went thru to be able to shoot the film is just unbelievable. And I do think that this country has lots more examples of things that they have been trying to hide, media censorship, alot of which is triggered by this sense of 'nationalism' that has been mentioned in the film. I really dont think I can fully explain this because I do not know. but I really do think it is an interesting country in which there is a blend of this western adoption of their own model of democracy, free speech, yet many things that are done in a way that is not questioned... time and again I have heard of the phrase 'the nails that juts out has to be hammered down' in this place. 出る釘は打たれる

thoughts in Japan

2010-10-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

so many thoughts that ran thru my mind just these 2 days. If i'd like to analyse it logically, once again its those transitions that sets you thinking, you suddenly plunge into a totally different routine etc. I started work over the friday, and realised that I am so lucky I actually started on a friday because there is so many things for me to catchup! just translating those japanese stuff is even to kill my weekend. but then again there is also this excitement, although I thought i'd be able to use more english in my time there. I guess I was wrong, even as the company culture is very very english in nature, I think its still predominantly japanese, at least from the language standpoint. which I guess is going to be a good challenge for me because then I am forced to learn japanese. haha.

this sense of ownership

2010-09-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

I've changed.

from someone who doesnt feel like anywhere belongs, from someone who dont really mind staying anywhere since anywhere's not his, from someone who can be so nomadic,

til someone who loves to be home.

sure its not mine. sure its nothing extravagent. but this sense of ownership has changed me. if i'd like to look at it logically, i'm paying a huge amt of rent for this and therefore there is this part that wants to enjoy it to the fullest, like how people want to use something to the fullest if they paid a hefty sum for a car, a laptop etc.

but I am just feeling something that is birthed out of my efforts. pretty much nothing but my efforts and thus that sense of ownership. from a coaster, to the fridge, every little small detail like the little fridge magnets that I got from the 100 yen shop, everything has been chosen and bought by me and thus I love this place.

Its an amazing feeling.

this is a story about xiao hei and xiao bai

2010-07-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

right about 8 months ago, on new year's eve, 31 dec 09, i first saw xiao hei and xiao bai. it was in a hotel room and during that time they were so young, they had to be fed by hand, using a powder mixture and warm water. it was like caring for babies. we scurried to give them names knowing that we also had limited time and thus the very cliche and simple names black and white. the next morning, i found myself left behind on a very cold new year's day shinjuku morning, holding a cage with them in it, and not knowing what to do. I had to walk thru the underpasses so as not to allow them to freeze to death on the very low morning temperatures. i finally lug them thru the gantries of the metro, not even knowing if it was allowed but i figured if i covered them with a towel it should be ok. after about 1.5 hours of travelling and walking, i finally arrived home with the birds. They changed my life. Once someone who went out and stayed out til the morning drinking and stuff, they provided a lot more motivation to come home and feed them. they helped me develop a routine of waking up slightly earlier, to refill their water, food and stuff. they taught me the patience of knowing that they would poop everywhere but still wanting to let them out to fly everyday or so... most importantly they taught me about love.
having people or pets who are part and parcel of your life, u learn to live together with them. its really like having kids i guess. seeing them, poop everywhere, talking to them, letting them out while u make coffee in the morning... sometimes they even make coffee with me, sitting on my shoulders anticipating the coffee as much as i do, or like i see them in the mirror while brushing my teeth. they seem to particularly like certain spots in the room and so yea.. my shoulders are one of them. one of the pooping hot spots.
one day back, i found this mysterious rock like thing in the cage, and it turned out to be an egg! they're both supposed to be male birds but i guess whoever sold it must have made a mistake. so then started their mating season and mum started to be real agitated over small things. sometimes she would fight with xiao hei and sometimes its so intense they look like they're trying to kill each other. during those times i had to open the cage and let one of them out so that at least xiao hei could run for his life if under attack. however, each time I come back home, they'd be nicely tucked back into their cage, sitting on their eggs together even tho the cage is open! this is love isnt it.
sometimes, it would take a really long time for papa to try to convince mama to let him back into the cage. he would circle the cage, chirp at her etc, only to find her flapping her wings and threaten to kill him again... but he never gives up. each time he's wounded by her, he'd tuck away in his corner for a while, and start heading back.. flying back and forth..
my observations of them have really made my time in tokyo so much more meaningful and interesting. but as everything else, there's always a time to say good bye. i believe that their lives will be so much more enriched even if its a shorter time out there in nature. I believe that birds are not meant to be kept in cages.
Goodbye my little creatures. have a good life.

back to the beginnings

2010-07-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

as i pack the last of my stuffs and reflect on the past 2 days where i have been home instead of saying my final farewells to the friends i made here, i realised my life is defined by boxes. as if the number of boxes i can shrink my life into defines how nomadic I can be, how willing i am to let go of things and so on. i've been used to reducing my life to boxes all my life.

as i bid my last goodbye to the place that has housed me for slightly less than a yr, i bid goodbye to other things like my birds who's been with me for over 8 months. time seems to fly and i wonder if having children would be the same feeling of time flying by and suddenly they all grow up and stuff.

sights and sounds of my time here really is one of those japanese kind of experience you'd see in dramas. i am already used to the 12 noon chimes of the schools in my neighbourhood, the 830pm disney fireworks that I could hear but not see, the occasional silhouette view of mt fuji in the distance that faces me when i turn my head right as i type away on my computer, cycling to the nearby supermarket and developing a sort of routine of what to buy and of course the occasional treats of sashimi or seasonal stuff like fresh oysters... not to mention the canteen staff whom i see everyday who always give me this look like where i am from and stuff. not to forget the onsen which is within cycling distance.. life here has drawn to a close, of course I still have a buddy here whom I can proudly say that I'd visit every once in a while, or for supper like usual. haha. Shinurayasu has been really great. And I probably am about ready to embark on the next stage of life in japan.

Ittekimasu. (meaning farewell, but we'll meet again).

Dido-Thank you

2010-07-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel and
all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

What if God was one of us?

2010-07-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

been wanting to blog

2010-07-12T05:08:00.000-07:00

job hunting has got to be one of the times you really get to discover yourself because it is so so so mental. while waiting for a final call from this certain company, you obviously have to continue to pick it up and find other options because its all about options. no matter how confident you are of it. today i got another news from this other company that I wanted very to be part of and i see it as one of the few options that could really rescue me from my situation now and put me in tokyo with a meaningful purpose.

looking at my birds, i've always had different inspirations from observing them. they've been alternating between fighting and being loving that I've been leaving the cage open in such a way that when they try to kill each other, one of them can fly out. but each time i leave it open, of course i leave myself the job of cleaning their shit around my room, which I have really grown accustomed to. anyway, regarding that, each time i leave them out, when i come back after some hours, I find them lovingly tucked in the cage with its top open, as if telling me that they eventually choose to be close to each other and sit on the eggs in show of their love. birds are like humans.

at other times, when i just look at them trying so hard, being just as a bird should, being responsible for in such a disciplined way to hatch their eggs, I get strength from them to work hard towards what I want too. there are so many things that I tell myself these days. but telling myself is easy, having that faith to keep up with it is another thing.

these are the things that i tell myself:

I already know whats at the end of this. and that is that I would be in Japan. its just which way I choose to go there, and the process. so this is just about the process and how I embrace it and enjoy it. its not easy, but neither is it impossible.

I have defied all odds not once but many times. I am used to accomplishing seemingly difficult to accomplish things. I am used to a life with such ups and downs. I know what it takes to be a winner.

having been watching dramas again, 2 things that came to my mind.

1. I'd love to have a father who speaks meaning into my life with few words. like those in the drama. haha.

2. the other general theme in most japanese dramas for love to work out is that you have to stay near each other for there to be tons of times to meet each other coincidentally, like at an okonomiyaki restaurent nearby, at the dry cleaning store, at a ramen store etc. which is bullshit in tokyo's context.

the time traveller's wife

2010-06-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

now that i've watch the movie... i dont suppose i'd have been half as moved if i hadnt read the book before, because now you can relate so much more to every scene, and you know beyond what the movie is saying.

everything happens for a reason

2010-06-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

i tried to go to school when rain and wind that destroyed my umbrella made me give up and here I am, with probably about 7 hours in hand and I decided to watch the time traveller's wife, supposedly ahead of schedule.

well, you never have time in your hands, and you're never really ahead of schedule isnt it?

I am so not sure if i could take another love story for now. but i am braving myself for it. I want to feel the love they had. I wana see the visual representation after reading the book, altho its weird because i am just piecing a puzzle that I already the the pieces.

I am watching it with my birds right on my shoulder. and these birds must be enjoying the love story. its their mating season and i have never seen any other birds or human make out as much as they do.

the departure

2010-06-21T09:41:00.001-07:00

i wont blame you if you thought the show that I watched entitled 'the departure' to the be leonardo dicaprio 'the departed' which is the hollywood version of 无间道。

as a matter of fact, it isnt, and far from what you think it is, its actually a japanese movie. its called 送り人。and as you can read from the kanji, it has elements of sending someone away. and yup. i guess u got it. its about sending people away to their after life.

this guy who was a cellist for an orchestra, was out of a job when his orchestra disbanded due to poor sales. so he went back to his hometown, away from tokyo to start his new life, peaceful and stuff. but he needed a job, and by some turn of events took up a job which is to put on makeup and put the body of dead people into coffins.

at first he was scrutinised by friends and girlfriend about the job, by people didnt understand what it means to be in that unconventional job. but satisfaction came from seeing the different emotions people have when sending a loved one away. sometimes it could be a tragic accident, sometimes it could be a natural death and the younger generation would say things like 'its been a tiring journey, time to get some peace'. and yet sometimes, you get people thanking you for a job well done, for making their loved one look beautiful and have one final sayonara said to them with dignity. the story ended when his gf came back to ask him to quit a final time, when he got a call, regarding the death of the old lady who managed the public bath whom they both visited when they were there. his girlfriend, for the first time, went to where he performed the cleaning of the body, and was moved to see that the job that she detested actually brought dignity to the lady whom they both admired and respected so much, and her heart was moved. and the story went on to where he got a call about his long lost father who passed away....

the most beautiful letter

2010-05-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

A letter to be opened in the event of my death

Dearest Clare,

As I write this, I am sitting at my desk in the back bedroom looking out at your studio across the backyard full of blue evening snow, everything slick and crusty with ice, and it is very still. it's one of those winter evenings when the coldness of every single thing seems to slow down time, like the narrow cenrer of an hourglass which time itself flows through, but slowly, slowly. I have the feeling, very familiar to me when I am out of time but almost never otherwise, of being bouyed up by time, floating effortlessly on its surface like a fat lady swimmer. I had a sudden urge, tonight, here in the house by myself ( you are at Alicia's recital at St. Lucy's) to write you a letter. I suddenly wanted to leave something, for after. I think that time is short, now. I feel as though all my reserves, of enery, of pleasure, of duration, are thin, small. I don't feel capable of continuing very much longer. I know you know.

If you are reading this, I am probably dead. (I say probably because you never know what curcumstances may arise, it seems foolish and self-important to just declare one's own death as an out-and-out fact.) About this death of mine-- I hope it was simple and clean and unambiguous. I hope it didn't creat too much fuss. I'm sorry. (This reads like a suicide not. Strange.) But you know: you know that if I could have stayed, if I could have gone on, that I would have clutched every second: whatever it was, this death, you know that it came and took me, like a child carried away by goblins.

Clare, I want to tell you, again, I love you. Our love has been the thread thought the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more destiny in this world than I do, myself: as though it could liner on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you.

I hate to think of you waiting. I know that you have been waiting for me all your life, always uncertain of how long this patch of waiting would be. Ten minutes, ten days. A month. What an uncertain husband I have beem, Clare, like sailor, Odysseys alone and buffetted by tall waves, sometimes wily and sometimes just a plaything of the gods. Please, Clare. When I am dead. Stop waiting and be free. Of me-- put me deep inside you and then go out in the world and live. Love the world and youself in it, move thought it as though if offers no resistence, as though the world is your natural element. I have given you a life of suspended animation. I don't mean to say that you have done nothing. You have created beauty, and meaning, in your art, and Alba, who is so amazing, and for me: for me you have been everything.

Afrer my mom died she ate my father up completely. She would have hated it. Every minute of his life since then has been marked by her absence, every action has lacked dimension because she is not there to measure against. And when I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird.

If I had to live on without you I know I could not do it. But I hope, I have this cision of you walking unencumbered, with you shining hard in the sun. I have not seen this with my eyes, but only with my imagination, that makes pictures, that always wanted to paint you, shining: but I hope that this vision will be true, anyway.

Clare, there is one last thing, and I have hesitated to tell you, because, I'm superstitously afraid that telling might cause it not to happen (I know: silly) and also because I have just been going on about not waiting and this might cause to wait longer than you have ever waited before. But I will tell you in case, you need something, after.

Last summer, I was sitting in Kendrick's waiting room when I suddenly found myself in a dark hallway in a house I don't know. I was sort of tandled up in a bunch of galoshes, and it smelled like rain. At the end of the hall I could see a rim of light around a door, and so I went very slowly and very quietlyto the door and looked in. The room was white, and intensely lit with morning un. At the window, with her back to me, sat a woman, wearing corals coral-colored cardigan colored cardigan sweater, with long white hair all down her back. She had a cup of tea beside her, on a table. I must have made some little noise, or she sensed me behind her... she turned and saw me, and I saw her and it was you, Clare, this was you as an old woman, in the future. It was sweet, Clare, it was sweet beyond telling, to come as though from death to hold you, and to see the years all present in your face. I won't tell you any more, so you can imagine it, so you can have it unrehearsed when the time comes, as it will, as it does come. We will see each other again, Clare. Until then, live, fully, present in the world, which is so beautiful.

It's dark, now, and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing.

Henry

the power of life

2010-05-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

the pet birds that were given to me were claimed to be both male. but i came back home one day and found to little white pebble in the cage and i wondered where they came from. and then i realised they were eggs. a few days later, i don't see those eggs again and i just thought they must have eaten them since they were so young and did not know what was going on. or maybe male birds lay eggs but are unfertilised? days later i realised that they hid it under the nest which a friend bought for them.. as if it was instinctive for them. days later, i found broken egg shells... they looked so sad... when i saw that i felt so sad too.
a few days ago, i found one of them sitting on the floor of the cage which was rare coz they usually liked to stand on one of the wooden stands. and i realised that one of them is instinctively sitting on an egg!!! this is the power of life. and its almost like they are doing a trial and error on how to best hatch an egg. ever since then, another egg was spotted. and the one displaying its instinctive maternal instincts is relentlessly sitting on them, displaying features of a responsible mother.
this is the power of life. and i felt so amazed.

being thankful once again

2010-04-23T05:26:00.001-07:00

Its been one of those. dramas have such an impact on people's hearts i think. sometimes i get my source of motivation from watching these dramas. they make you wana work hard, wana fall in love, wana have a certain way of proposing, setting up your living room... etc.

I, on the other hand, has had this feeling of being thankful for the small little things in my life. like having someone I could come home to. whether is it human or birds. haha. my 2 small little parakeets are really making me love them and hate them at the same time. but at the end of the day, i'm just thankful of them being just here. sometimes i sit down and observe them for a bit, sometimes i let them out. as i am typing this, they are both resting on my shoulders, of which i have no idea when is the next moment they would poop on me. something which I have already grown used to.

sometimes i skype my friends with them on me, sometimes i brush my teeth with them on me. sometimes i even eat with them on me.

i used to think they're really great to get off that loneliness in tokyo especially when you're living alone in a foreign land. but they've grown to be a part of who i am here and i really dont feel that sense of commodifying them nor the sense of burden or responsibility to have to come home to feed them or something. they're just a part of me now..

as i romanticize my recent thoughts with lots of romance dramas and books, i still cant imagine how it can all work out...

hisashi buri no blog

2010-04-14T04:16:00.000-07:00

its been a while. and its not the first time i'm saying this. this goes to show the kind of person i am. things come into play as and when i feel like it. there's no routine in my life. there's nothing that I do on a regular basis except for eating, showering..... you get the idea. which forces me to make a lot more decisions that most people, I would presume.

ok. this is not a post to bring myself down. its a post to show appreciation.

that out of all these emotions I've been feeling in tokyo. there lies a lot of thankfulness in my heart, to be able to be here at this point of time. to have experiences that I have pictured and wanted. and even surprises. this morning, i was cycling and i came to a stop at a junction. and i looked back and saw this sakura tree standing right there. yes it was alone, but it was beautiful. this kind of things, i am thankful for.

this week, i was auditing a korean class which i couldnt take for some reason. and to be starting again to learn another language, its the kind of feeling i havent had for a long long while. the last time i was learning the equivalent of an abc of a language was when i was in denmark. and i am thankful for that. to have a story to tell people about learning korean in japanese in japan. that would sound interesting isnt it? altho its nothing.

to be able to make a conscious decision about wanting to go home. not only to feed my birds, but also just to get out of this social thing that i've been doing. to have time alone to myself to write a blog entry like this, watch drama, learn jap and korean, improve myself. yes. improve myself.

Back at last

2010-02-22T16:57:00.001-08:00

yesterday marks the day I came back to my room in tokyo. once again confirming that after a long while of nomadic travelling, dumping my bags here and there, travelling around the place like some homeless fellow, that I do yearn for staying put in one place for a while.

after 12 days of travelling in hokkaido, Xianna came up from South Japan to catch up and bitch about life with me. we spent the next 2 nights prowling tokyo on a survival trip that saw us spending 1 night at a manga-kisa which is a manga reading place with internet, shower etc. the next night we spent a night with weifeng at an onsen, sleeping in our yukatas on a reclined chair in their free resting room. i swear i will go back to that place again.

coming back to my room and really starting to pack things have been an experience in itself.

on those 12 days in hokkaido, i spent 4 days in the house of an old couple in Hakodate as part of a homestay program. in those days, their hospitality really impressed me. in fact, i spent so much time talking to my host mum that there was a night when i even told her my family story in Japanese. and we shared really deep stuff, about like her experiences in life and so on. it was really a very very good feeling, hearing from someone who's been through life in that way, living in a town that has almost everything but not with the stress of a typical big city.

true love never runs smooth

2010-02-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

thats what that drama says.

as human beings we can link whatever we see hear feel with our present feelings and grow emo about it isnt it?

i never ever had problems linking what i see in those dramas with how i'm feeling.

looking at the ups and downs, I couldnt help but wonder that anything can happen from now on. Only for you, I could never accurately predict what could happen. totally. i've never felt so out of control anywhere else in life.

i could only carry on living my life well, just in case. Its no lie that I dont know what i want in life as much as anybody else.

true love never runs smooth. its a lie isnt it? its one of those lines that could go with any situation. to sell a love story.

another sign

2010-02-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

another sign of me being in that mode. ever so often, my life is just broken up into terms. in this respect,, school terms of peak periods and lull periods. and i guess, one of the signs that I am almost done with things on my hands is that I am back to my dramas.! :)

a lot of things are on pending on the other sides replies. a couple of job applications in process, a couple of applications for my birds and so on.

at least finally having the liberty to sit down and enjoy dramas at the same time improve on my japanese is really a relief. made a few plans on the things to do when i am back home alr. one of them is to watch bodyworlds! the one that i missed in denmark! and probably going to science centre again. those things that you do like once in every few yrs in singapore. i am so so so gonig to do them all this time round. coz maybe.. just maybe i wont have time to do all those for a while. haha. the other thing is. i'm totally missing out on singapore's development. I am prepared to go back and go like: eh... i din see that when i left. kind of development. and to think of it. i've just been away for 4 mths! i cant imagine how many new things are coming up. especially this yr. the circle line. the IRs. a few more shopping centres. etc etc etc. i am so so so so missing out on those.

2010-01-19T08:33:00.001-08:00

看沉默的电话它什么都不说
看电视的画面它无声的闪动
看街上的行人跟我擦肩而过
整个世界太冷漠
我没有力气再往前走

看你紧闭的嘴唇它什么都不说
看你飘忽的眼神它无情的闪躲
看你和我的回忆跟我擦肩而过
你的改变太冷漠
我没有勇气大声地说

告诉我
你不是真的离开我
你也不愿这样的夜里把难过留给我

告诉我
你不是真的离开我
你是要惩罚我的爱让你失去自由告诉我···

the parable of the lost bike

2010-01-17T05:02:00.000-08:00

i lost my bike.

it didnt feel good.

but i should have known better. human beings are just so weird people. they could anticipate, they could preempt themselves. but when it sets in that you're so used to having something around, no matter how much prep you have that you might lose at right at the beginning, you're bound to feel sad.

Ie:

I bought the bike and decided to illegaly park it near the station, of which there is a chance of it being taken away by the city council right from the beginning. 1 mth passed, 1 mths passed, and it was still there. yes there was the occasional warning. but i didnt care, thinking everyday that passes, i'm like squeezing out its worth. after all, i got it at less than 80sgd. i must have made it worth it.

the thing is, i've grown into it. like it or not... if i had lost it right in the first week i was here, i'd have been forced to find other ways, and in that sense when i lose it, i guess it wouldnt have been that painful.

being together with someone. if i was in a relationship that didnt seem like it would work out from the beginning, it'd have been less pain to breakup at the start isnt it. or to not start it at all.
but human beings are just such creatures living in that hope. you cant believe such wonderful things are actually happening to you, but you just still have that hope, that mayb God just chose you... and in that hope, you're brought up to cloud 9...

life goes on

2010-01-17T04:59:00.000-08:00

no matter what happens. life goes on. sometimes we get confused over who's the luckier one. the one who left or the one who's being left behind. like those people who are suffering from the aftermath the earthquake in Haiti.

life goes on and when things happens, we can only tell ourselves this: the only thing we can do is really to prepare ourselves to be stronger and if the time really comes when your strength is needed, you're ready for it and you're ready to be there.

x mas is approaching

2009-12-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

came back to my room after hanging out with my 'new found friend'(s). one is Chang. my new found pet bamboo plant which i bought from Ikea, another a fellow singaporean in my dorm. x mas season approaching, with obviously the weather turning x massy too. i stood by the balcony for a min and found it to be too cold and came back in, lighting up a candle, in my room typing away at this.

i dont feel at all the x massy mood here in tokyo, coz no matter how nice the 'illuminations' here can be, japanese language just dont go with the x mas feel.

somehow the thought about leading a routine life came to me. that being overseas can be overshadowed by the glamorous part of it, by this overwhelming feeling of also leading a routine kind of lifestyle in a foreign land... somehow , i came to realise that being overseas can also start to get routine... the kind of life we all complain abt and dread in singapore.... but somehow, i could imagine that being in singapore right now for me, wouldnt seem that all routine at all....

my neighbour threw at me the idea of going back for Chinese new yr... and i am seriously thinking about it now. so this is christmas.

merry x mas. and a happy new year singapore. i am not nationalise. i merely appreciate my country and more importantly the people back home.

i tried to make my room as liveable as it can be, with obvious efforts from getting a new plant to accompany me, to lighting a candle on this lonely night.

ノルウェーの森

2009-11-09T06:56:00.000-08:00

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me...
She showed me her room, isn't it good Norwegian wood?

She asked me to stay and she told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair.

I sat on a rug, biding my time, drinking her wine,
We talked until two and then she said: "It's time for bed"

She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh.
I told her I didn't, and crawled off to sleep in the bath

And when I awoke, I was alone, this bird had flown
So I lit a fire, isn't it good Norwegian wood.

I love my country and my embassy

2009-11-09T05:46:00.000-08:00

there is so much I have to write today. in the mood for writing because i had a fair dose of novels these couple of days. am holding on to one of those that you know, you could like read a quarter of it at one shot kind of book. before i go on and on, and before i forget, this book is by a famous japanese author called Haruki Murakami. I have nv heard of him before I came here, but since pple tell me he's famous, he's famous. and it happens to be about this university boy who is kinda like a loner. and since the story was based in 1980s tokyo, i could kinda relate to it, because pretty much the places he mentioned are the places I pass by everyday on the trains etc. and so its really about how despite him being a loner with few frens, having the little little interesting happenings in his life. be it from his equally weird rm mate to knowing this guy and together going to Shinjuku and hook up girls etc. makes me wonder why this thing became a best seller sometimes. its kinda a warped story, but then again, I am in for the idea that japanese pple have their style of best sellers and block busters being those that belong to kinda like this genre. think battle royale (which i watched recently as well), think the ring, think Death note.

alright, so in my little queer way, in a way imitating the style that Murakami has written, i'd like to give an account of my otherwise kinda eventful day, which started with a typical 11 am waking up routine which i have developed recently owing to the late night Kanji practices. I feel like a pri sch boy all of a sudden practicing my writing sometimes. following which I caught an NBA game which the lakers routed the hornets. i didnt even bother to watch the last quarter. oh and i heard how Man U lost to Chelsea in a game that they should've won. and blah blah the usual lunch downstairs, and by then I realised I had not much time so I quickly put on something I could find and went out in slippers with a number of thiings to do in mind. in japan i always had a 'number' of things to do in mind. I wished I had a more accessible 'to do list' ard me. ok. i'm obviously a lot worse, coz he had this uncanny ability to put in all the descriptive words to describe every small little detail in such perfection I could almost have the picture in my head. for example, 'with a stump of her cigarette, she scratched the corner of her eye with her little finger, as if trying to lessen the intensity of what she just said.' ok. i made that up. but something liek tt.

and where was i? oh. i was out getting a few things done. kinda like had a mission. including buying groceries, mailing a letter etc. i kinda like these kind of compact going out sessions at least u dont just go out to do one thing, but many and it makes me feel slightly more accomplished than say to go out all the way just to do one thing.

and after which I came back, all rushed for time for my next event of the day. i dressed up, kinda need to coz I was sorta meeting impt pple tonight because there was an event at the embassy. and in the end when i reached, indeed, the average tonight must have been 55 or something. and thats considering the major pull down by myself and joanna. haha. and high class society stuff lah. like jazz concert, networking event. i was even told specifically to prepare namecards for myself. which i waza waza went to make at 1300 yen for 50 pieces. every card that i give out seems to be like some blood trickling down from me.

but obviously the highlight of the night would be the Singapore fare once again!!! which is why i love my embassy and my country. tho this is not really an event for singaporeans per se. but i was invited anyway. the guests were like 80 % japanese pple who are working for singapore companies or like they've worked in singapore before i suppose. I guess if i continue to have such events pouring in at such rates, i wont be missing out on singapore food that much after all. i really just wana see who can bring in bak chor mee in japan for me. hahaaha. coz whenever singapore food is mentioned here, its always between chilli crab, laksa, chicken rice etc.. thats abt it. what happened to bak chor mee!!!! wasnt it made famous by Mr Brown?

ok. i totally lost it. haha. no more mood to write anymore. i rem i had so much to write just moments ago.

I have to blog this I have to blog this

2009-11-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

ever got the feeling of like after a long day, you actually read home with a number of things in mind to do? like adding a newly known friend on facebook, or like finding a long lost friend on facebook or just simply like an idea like I have to check out something on the internet kind of thing? right now i am feeling that way.

and ever had the feeling of like, if I kinda like generate such ideas randomly, like finding a long lost fren or something, how can i make it not such a random process since the earlier we generate such ideas, the better it is isnt it? ... Everyday I am just thinking of new things. some perhaps inspired by something that happened in the day, but some really just random things that came to mind.

Today I had a good day going out with 3 japanese people. perhaps the first of such experiences in Japan. I met this friend in class in fact, and within like 2 or 3 classes sitting together and talking extensively in class (since the teacher was really boring), since i openly invited her to one of the dinners I was going to have with weifeng and Chunping, I guess she returned the favour by inviting me to this gathering of hers with her kindergarten friend (15 yrs ago. yes.) and this 32 yr old chef with whom she was parttiming with. wat a combination. even they remarked. and altho I barely understood 30 to 40% of what they were saying to each other, I really had a gd time. right from the bottom of my heart, probably the first bunch of people who dont really speak english but is sort of like really open about having this idiotic singaporean join in their 'fun'. we spoke widely from Singaporean food (obviously to break the ice with the chef, and also probably coz we were having Thai food!), to things in school to like showing even like her kindergarten photos, since that friend was really in many of those photos! haha. in fact, I think her life is like a dream. how rare is it to even keep in touch with your kindergarten friends? she's in fact keeping in touch with like 10 of them, whom she claims is a blessing from Mixi (japan's version of like facebook), and on top of that, her present boyfriend was from her kindergarten! and she has like pictures of them in those times hahaha. amazing.

Vienna

2009-11-02T03:48:00.000-08:00

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

an adventure filled short getaway.

2009-10-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

i cant even get describe the past 2 eventful days. haha. in short! since i've got like morning classes tmr and i'm in need of sleep.

went to nikko with a group of singaporean students on exchange here. pretty gd trip!
caught some usual pics. evryone was a cam whore!
lost our way a few times, missed a train stop, was pretty late and dark, considering ow ulu it was. wanted to walk back to the station we passed, thought its like mrt to mrt kinda distance, in the end someone told us its not walkable, walked back in a single file along the rd on a night wihtout much of a street lighting since it was like so ulu. went to the hostel, felt so like compelled to follow the rules. met an ah gong who was so pissed at us coz he waited for us at the station for like an hour plus. reached hostel, couldnt shower coz everyone's sleeping, and thus not allowed to.
took lots of pics. hope i get to upload them. when i have time. this weekend seems busy for me.
went to an onsen (hot spring). this 1 was even better than the previous one i went like last weekend. haha. it had an indoor bath, an outdoor bath and a sauna. loved the outdoor bath, coz it was like autumn temp and hot water. so i alternated between sitting on a rock with like 12 degrees on me, then going into the warm water when it started to feel cold etc. it was the best season for onsen. the outdoor bath was really heavenly.
came back, left my phone on the bus! realised it only at the train station, went to ask for lost and found, directed to the bus interchange station rm. went there, found the bus driver who picked me, went back to the bus, found the phone! its amazing. wat grace!

family

2009-10-19T06:29:00.001-07:00

nothing beats being there for family gatherings! haha. and i was there this time, coz they called me on skype, and yeah, the wonders of technology. i even took a photo with my family just tt my face was on the com. i'm sure the photo will turn out good!

experiences

2009-10-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

I wish i had more time to blog. because so much happened this week.. ! pretty positively i'd say. i guess i understood what someone whom i met was trying to say when he said his contacts were all in japan and to start over again invokes some fear. but anyway. it really took me about a month to be comfortable in sch, meeting frens and talking to diff pple and be comfortable. for example, yesterday for the first time, i went to join a circle which is like a CCA. and obviously its going to be basketball, to keep me fit and stuff. and i was the only new guy at tt time, altho there were quite a few new girls. and i hate the chance to talk to them. most of them were frenly but by simply observing this senior junior thing in japan, i really understand what it meant.

this morning, i saw this weird young japanese walking in front of the yellow line in the train station. he was like in high sch uniform, and looked like he was those kind can anytime jump down the tracks kind. i was observing him for a while, hoping to be a hero if he really does jump.

this week, i made quite a few friends by talking to people in class.

i also saw old ladies who wore traditional kimonos but were carrying fashionable COACH handbags.

saw this bad smelling man coming into a carriage and the carriage immediately was emptied to another one tt was totally full.

saw a girl in miniskirt with shades, cycling upslope.

surviving in Tokyo

2009-10-10T03:59:00.000-07:00

there are actually many things you can do cheaply in japan. and decisions are often a function of price. today, i decided to pamper myself again, because its allowance day for me. i kinda designate a monthly drawing of money from my acct and damn it cost me money to withdraw this time rd coz i thought it was before 6. but turns out its only free before office hours which i assume is before 5 pm. damn it.
but anyway, after making a huge withdrawal for the month, i went to the supermarket to get some sushi which cost me like 380 yen, which is pretty cheap even at singapore standards. on top of that, i went to the supermarket and found like raw oysters, altho they're not in their shells, but like in a sealed pack. i took it back together and ate them for dinner on top of wat i had in the canteen. every once in a while i'd treat myself to these additions. but then again, i had gd fd yesterday too. at the party, we had so much food, including like pork sashimi. amazing.

experiences

2009-10-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

i guess one of those experiences on the list would be to meet a typhoon. haha. and i did meet one, right now, classes are cancelled tmr coz of the typhoon, and isnt that kind of cool haha. its been raining non stop for i guess 4 days now. and seriously, it hasnt stopped raining for more than an hour. i wonder where does all that water come from, and coupled with the strong winds at the bayside where i live, i can see rain almost going half horizontal! haha. imagine riding my bicycle in this rain. but i guess i'm happy not going to sch for a day. i've been having so much classes i'm kinda sick. and i think i'm going to drop a class just to have monday as a free day.

probably the happiest day in japan

2009-10-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

picture this. i got this piece of paper from my hostel front desk that tells me to go to this place called venus plaza, which is like at a corner of this reclaimed island near disneyland, where they sell 2nd hand bicycles which are cheap. i follow the directions. its so ulu its those kind like 1 hr might not even have 1 bus going there tt kind... i tried to find my way there and it wasnt tt tough frankly. i find my way there, and true enough venus plaza isnt on the planet venus, but more of like a recycling initiative thing by japanese. I found a handful of bicycles and i just chose 1 for myself. it cost me 5500 yen including registration fees. yes u need to register your bicycle here. 1 bicyle generated me like 3 numbers. 1 for insurance, 1 which is the reg number, the other one is like an anti crime number hahaha. wtf. anyway, the whole procedure was pretty smooth going, a lot smoother than i expected. before i knew it, i have bought my bicycle in japan!!!! and it was such a gd deal. its such a baby. i feel like I have just chosen Marley! the bargain dog. ok. i guess i should name my bicycle Marley then. cept that i'm gonna ride on Marley everyday haha.

i wish i could show her to all of u. but i took a pic on my phone camera and i couldnt find a way to like transfer... oh!!!! infra red!! why din i think of tt!

ok. here it is. my beauty. its parked at this garage behind... i wish i could sleep with her for the night.

weekends

2009-10-03T03:37:00.000-07:00

with each weekend i am staying home and doing things that are kinda productive, i feel a sense of accomplishment actually. rather than going out to tokyo to explore... i guess i've got ample time to do that in time to come. for example when my friends come or something. haha. or maybe thats just an excuse to say that i am a loner and no one wana hang out with me on a saturday hahaa.

today i went to Recce. not so much for places to go, but haha for a bicycle parking lot. which i will need if i decide to buy a bicycle. and i have decided that i will indeed buy a bicycle since its like it will significantly reduce my commuting times, plus the amt i have to walk, plus the amt i have to pay. because you see, if i have a bicycle, i'd cycle to a station further away, which takes me abt 20 min on the bicycle each way. but its a st line all the way to sch and i dont need to change lines at all. and to be honest, thats the thing that pisses me off since Tokyo station itself is just atrociously huge. its like an airport seriously. i feel like changing a train, i'm like walking from terminal 3 to terminal 1 or something like tt. its killing me.

so yeah, i went around looking for like a bicycle park that i could find which is free. but obviously, nothing is free in Tokyo. so well. hm.. i guess u get the drift. its kinda exciting doing this things. feels like when i was as poor in denmark and we had to find means and ways to beat the system to like go undetected to save some money etc. haha. the only problem that i guess i will have tmr would be that i dont know if i would be able to get hold of a cheap enough bike. but then again. i would get it even if its 1st hand. haha. i am TT desperate for a bike. coz i m obviously not a walking person.

too many stories

2009-10-02T07:55:00.001-07:00

sometimes i think the very value of being in japan is in the free time entrusted to me. since i am here and i cant really go out and meet my old frens, altho i can always make new ones... but then again, the long train rides and all, have all exposed me to a constant narrative of books, movies and stuff. and i actually think that i am immensely benefitting from this input of stories. but also its been bringing me on emotional rides thruout. i mean like a ride to sch could turn out to be like bursts of tears and laughter on the train and like a lot of reflections and so on.

falling sick

2009-09-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

falling sick in a foreign country is not fun at all. somehow i think my body reacts to being away from home. especially at abt the 1 month mark. i remember in Copenhagen, it was about the same time tt i had a major one and then on, seems like i develop the antibodies to go against the germs in a certain country. and it was exactly the same shit, out of no reason at all, my body just goes like aching, with my bowels also joining in the fun of mocking at me. i have a severe headache, restlessness, muscleache, feel feverish and need to lie on bed...
i wonder if the pain they are describing when u get a disease when you are old is of such sorts. if it is, i guess i can understand why some of them really wana end their lives prematurely... its just this irritating pain in a part of your body that u cant seem to identify. oh my. i hope i wake up feeling better tmr coz tmr's like orientation class marking attendance and briefing abt the course. i need to be there to see if i really do wana take the class. haha.
sch has officially started, but it seems like the equation for exchange students has once again left me behind. and i dont understand why its always the case. back in cph, i wasnt staying in a student's dorm and thus didnt really interact much with those pple at the dorms. but it was a gd experience nevertheless. less european friends, more asian friends i guess.
the same here, now that i am in this JAL hostel, of which i have not made a single friend out of, (can u believe it?) i come home on a reflective journey everyday, fighting my way thru the jostling crowd of tokyo plugged in to my ipod. so far, i've sometimes been reading, watching movies and just simply sleeping like a tokyo-jin on those journeys. gd and bad lah. the amt i have to walk a day. haha.
constantly on my mind is, how can i make life better for myself? in terms of getting better deals on the subway, etc.

i believe

2009-09-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

寂しくて言葉も出ないこんな夜は
君の笑顔抱きしめ眠ろう
ふたりならどしゃ降りの雨凍える朝
手をつないできっと歩けるそばで

I believe 消えかけたあの日の夢
いつでも手をかざし守る
忘れない

When I'm feeling small
When it's cold outside
I don't know who I should believe
And when I needed someone special just by my side
Who was there?
I believe
Someday I will love someone who's by my side
Oh someday, my special one will come alone
I pray everyday

I believe 消えかけたあの日の夢
いつでも手をかざし守る

So I believe もしも風にふるえている時は
二人で探そう
日の射す場所
Someday I will love
Someone who's by my side
Oh someday, oh someday
I keep on praying everyday

movie book

2009-09-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

everytime i finish a series, a gd movie or a book, i'd always have some revelations. today, i simultaneously finished a drama series and a thick book. i'm filled with so much to off load i dont know how to. feel so stressed just to type it out. i finished 'overtime', a jap drama tt was pretty hot in singapore 10 yrs ago. i started to watch it again in the name of improving jap. and it was in a way disastrous. but i guess its normal soap opera. guys likes girl. heard fr someone tt she loves him but feels tt she will want to live with another guy who she also likes and is more dependable. in her dilemma, he became a bastard, and made her leave him just to help her decide on her xing fu. in the end, the girl left with the dependable doctor, leaving him behind. he was a photographer and published a series of photo albums with backviews as theme. last page of it was her back view when she left on tt fateful day, and saying: dedicated to the most impt fren in my life, Natsuki.

i actually teared in that final scene. even tho i know wat was to come since i've watched it so long ago.

sometimes i think we like to dramatice our lives. its a self reinforcing... its like we watch drama, we dramatice, our lives become like the dramas... so dramas become these little realities in life.

the other huge revelation, in contrast to this lovey dovey soap opera is actually LKY's memoirs. i am secretly amazed that i could be so geeky as to finish it in the 2 weeks i am here in japan. its like almost 800 pages... i dont think i 've ever read such a thick book cover to cover in my entire life.

in it, i got a deep understanding of so many things that was relevant to me that was a result of this man's doing!

from army training areas in ROC and Brunei to our CEP in the army and civil service, to Shell's 'helicopter' framework of assessing pple in the civil service and etc.

I feel like I have heard all of this from him, since its written in the 1st person's narrative. its like watching a Forest Gump kind of show. in it, its all abt his dealings with all the leaders of the different countries and he would go down to describign in detail whether they were forthcomign etc. sometimes i found it rather sensitive but this is LKY for you. straightforward, but always able to backup his opinions. I like this style. and anyway, so its abt describing them and his experiences in detail, detailing his dealings with different countries tt was of impt to sg, like malaysia, indonesia, japan, china etc. and each time he is done with an era of a country he moved on to the next, since he was in office as prime minister for some 20 over yrs.. he often dealt with 2 or 3 generations of a countrie's leaders, and with each, ever often you hear of someone he dealt with being in exile, being in jail coz of corruption, or simply assasinated. its like in one of those benjamin button movie, where pple come and go in your life, with life and death just ever tt routine. i wonder whats on his mind in one of the many funerals he attends.

ok. enough of the amazement at him thing. i'm sure u get my drift.

humbling. kinda wana make me stand up and be involved in the country in a generation that takes this stability for granted.

a little abt today, coz todays' pretty special. i stayed at home the whole time today. in between i went down for my meals, but realised tt today is like rest day for the canteen, which means i gotta get out and buy stuff myself. i went to a supermarket, and bought some bento and decided to go to the park coz the weather was great! with lots of sun and i think i needed a little tan. so i did just tt, bringing my LKY book with me, a yoga mat, bicycle, food, drinks and sat down and read and slept on the mat. pictures will be on FB soon. its was fun!

i even bought kimchi! and at night, i had oden, and i had them in my rm with my Belachan! its my first time on belachan since here and it was a major orgasm. haha. with kimchi, an onigiri. it was just great.

the rest of those back dated entries.

2009-09-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

15 September

Today I finished on this show call ‘Shawshank Redemption’. And immediately it ranks on the top of my all time favourites. Probably side by side with forest Gump haa. I guess it’s the same style of that narrative kind of illustration of the whole story, on top of that the well heard Morgan Freeman’s voice in the whole show that really captivates me to listen to every single dialogue to this.

So many sentences worth quoting in there. Watch it for yourself.

Personal reflection: the good stories are those that have a certain mundane to it, but with 1 single captivating theme. Countless times its been proved this way, on the movies, the books that we read etc. it always this certain bitter sweet feeling that lingers in me about the story that unfolds before me that makes me decide that it was a great experience just having the chance to know such a wonderful story. And that’s one of the beauties of living isn’t it, to not only experience your own experiences, but to enjoy in a way a collective sort of experiences and to feel truly happy for someone in that way.

And I guess since my life really is about having great stories to tell, me trying to build many little climaxes in between my life isn’t going to make my life a great story isn’t it? I should just work towards one central theme in my life and go for it isn’t it? And that’s always been the bane of me, that I wana attempt to inject ‘excellence’ everywhere I end up inputting none. Stubborn as I am in thinking that the generalist way sometimes work as well, I guess I have certain new insights now.

The show talks about this thing called ‘institutionalized’. That when prison inmates been in there for most of their lives serving life sentences or something, when they come out, they can’t get used to life outside. Some of them resort to commiting crimes again just to get back in where they feel that things made sense and that they were at least relevant. Int that prison community, they can at least have a chance of being resourceful to other friends in there and so on.

In the same way, I guess its all about conditioning. Even my 1 week here in Japan, in a way has conditioned me to very limited access to the outside world and friends via handphone and internet. Seems like there is some sort of rationing of these luxury items, eg 1 hour of internet a day, and of course phone is due to the cost. In that sense this artificially created isolated environment in my first week here has opened up a whole new world of self studying and reflections, something I found I was never able to do in SG. In that sense, it has defined and given me the first great thing in Japan. I’m being institutionalized. To the point where I already bought my Japanese phone already but am leaving it just lying around, not really interested in exploring it and connecting with the outside world. I’d rather watch my movies, read my books and study my jap. Odd as it seems, haha, even though I know this period of hyper solitude will end very soon with the start of class tomorrow, I am still trying to enjoy it now, knowing that this is going to be rare. Haha. Institutionalized. I think I will need my time for books and movies every now and then. And great shows like Shawshank are really hard to come by. Let me dig up more.

16th September

Today was the first day of orientation. It was nothing much more than just information offloading. Totally iced my looking forward to it. Haa.

Don’t even feel like going to sch tmr coz nothing impt. There’s like this ice breaker game that I bet would be lame since its in Japan and its to foreign students. I wana experience the REAL Japanese ice breaker. But ahha.

Instead, I turned to my jap drama, and have finally found a way to start watching OVERTIME again. Wow. Its 10 yrs ago man. I rem those little dreams of staying together with friends in an apartment, and making like steamboat like in that show etc. what a change its been in the last 10 yrs. Those frens, some are already married etc. And here I am, in Japan, watching this jap drama of 10 yrs heritage. Haha. Brings me back to that 1999 days.
17 September

I stayed home the whole day and realized that there is impt stuff to do today in sch. I will go tmr and probably get a scolding or something. I guess I will come up with something. I guess someone like me who likes to use the loopholes of rules being made at different places to get more comfort or conveniences than others, would not survive well in a country like Japan. I was just talking to Joanna yesterday over dinner, that there is really little novelty about being in Japan. She’s probably having a worse time than me since its like her place sounds more ulu than mine. And making meals are rather hard for her, coz she doesn’t have a canteen to buy cheap cooked food from.

Travelling in itself, a big aspect of life that I’ve always overlooked/ taken for granted in Singapore, is a war that I have to fight every morning. Just by making preparations to forget the long journeys, for example uploading movies into my ipod in itself is a chore. And its not the long journeys that frustrate me. I guess I’m resigned to the long journeys, it’s the walkings in between, from house to station and in between changing lines etc that really pisses you off, coz its like I cant even watch my movie. I can only walk thru the seas of people who seem like they are taking it like a daily life kind of thing. Everyday I see jaded pple dragging their feet, but then again, not that people in Singapore don’t dread and drag their feet, just so that I am here haa.

Today I went for quick groceries shopping. There really isn’t much incentives here to do groceries, coz I don’t cook at all. But well, since my Royal Milk tea and Pocari sweat is running out, I figured I might as well. In the end bought a lot of bo liao stuff. For example, I thought since my groceries routine is like once every 2 weeks, i’d better buy everything I need. And I decided I’d give myself a treat. I bought a pint of Haagen Daaz rum and raisin ice cream which cost me like 777 yen, which works out to be a little cheaper than Singapore. I figured this is rare.. haha. So I bought that. Its lying comfortably in my freezer now. Haha. Those little high morale items in life. Not that I am as deprived here as in CPH haha. Those days really require groceries. On top of I’m alone here, unlike there when I had Yock Song. Ok. That sounds gay.

Yesterday I was at Softbank, which is the mobile provider here, to help Joanna get her phone. And I met this Softbank manager whom I spoke to for a while, while waiting for Joanna. In the end I told him that I will go distribute his namecard and he laughed which according to Joanna was a gayish laugh. I din have those vibes about him. Haha.

Oh. Coming back to my treats, I also bought salmon sashimi at the supermarket today to give myself a treat over dinner. The sashimi here is cheap! It was like a normal piece of fish uncut yet. U choose it and they cut for u kind. The supermarket kind. And I chose a piece which was 315 yen but 30% off. Probably coz I went in the evening. So it was like sashimi at S$3.50. cheap! And good. shiok.

I also bought bo liao stuff like a bath sponge. I like to go to the 100 yen shop to browse around and buy stuff that would make life that little easier to me.

I also asked about buying a 2nd hand bicyle. Apparently it would cost only 5500 yen. Which is like 80 bucks?

Skipped the chapter on USA to go straight to Japan in LKY’s book, which I guess was more relevant. You know what I’m afraid? I’m afraid tt my view would become LKY’s view. I’ve never felt this way before, but this man is just so so so logical and learned. Most of the time when I read someone, I’d always think he’s good in some ways, but not enough in others. But as I am reading more and more, his life is like a narrative of people whom he met. Similar to those narrative movies like Forest Gump and Shawshank and maybe Benjamin Button. Its all about talking about this person and that person he met here and there. Except that the pple that he met were all prime ministers, presidents and other ministers. Haha. It always goes like, who who who died when. Or like who who who was a remarkable chap, but before he could implement something noble, he was assassinated etc. haha.

Seems like all good stories have a tree with something buried beside it.

18 September

Seems like I am going to be overcome by the soap opera kind of love stories I am about to be watching… watching overtime again has led me to rethink about those times when we were young, at how we viewed this kind of love story and now…

20 September 2009

Its in the morning hours of 20th sept. I just watched another episode of overtime, read a few chapters of the bible on the book of Job. I must have been reading more than I have ever read in my life these days. Also watched ‘fracture’ which was kinda a crappy show, although it stars Anthony Hopkins in his usual old creepy bringing out the new young intellect protégé kind of show, vis-à-vis silence of the lamb…
And I found a shorter route to sch. Much faster, so much faster that I reached something like 20 mins early in sch today. That I had time to walk around and take photos in sch. But the photos were so crappy I think its time I brush up my reading on photography. Kinda good also since I am taking a course in photos this term. Just for fun.

Today, I met Aya in the afternoon to walk around Shibuya, and she had to leave before dinner, in the end I walked around to Omotesando and went back to many familiar places. Amonst them were places we visited 2 yrs ago with JJ and CS, and it brought back the many memories. I was even at the same exact spot at starbucks enjoying a mango passion frap and taking the same photo of the infamous 6 way crossing outside shibuya station. Following which I went back to the cluster of love hotels in Shibuya and tried to find the saloon where I cut my hair the other time, it wasn’t there anymore. But well, harajuku had most of the same shops still around. And I am starting to think that that place doesn’t really change that much does it? Haha. The shops were all still there and all felt so familiar. Some of the shops were even there when I visited more than 10 yrs ago. And I guess 10 yrs qualifies to be described as nostalgic yeah?
Tmr’s Sunday and I guess its going to be laundry day for me. Maybe keep fit day and studying day. Final burst of extensive readings before sch starts and I will get all flustered with all the shit. Haha. Esp when my internet comes. I have grown to like the days of losing all these tools to connect me to the outside world.

missing the last train

2009-09-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

aint no joke. haha. i ended up coming back to sch because there is this 24 hour com lab here and i figured i wouldnt be tt lonely, compared to like sleeping at tokyo station or something. and i guess its not tt cold... i rem the time when it was super fucking cold at like at that bus station in england. i cant even rem whats the name now. on the way to manchester. haha.
so i guess i have had enough of those cold nights outside.
but then again, this also means that i need to walk that dreaded 20 min walk to takadanobaba station tmr morning to take the train home. which i think will take like 2 hours in total, including walking?
so right here i am here, in this com lab with several students who like they are like doing reserach or like doing assignments or something like tt, instead of spending the money on spending a night at karaoke... japanese stay at karaokes overnight when they miss their trains. which they consider to be cheap. cost something like 30 sgd overnight at karaoke.
along the way here , i walked for about 25 mins.. and i realised that it wasnt easy just walking like this at night. at this, i am so grateful that i am a guy. serious.
today we had our entrance ceremony in waseda, and i met the other singaporeeans. turns out there are other smu students on exchange here. haha. to be able to use singlish extensively, is so shiok man hahahaha.

2009-09-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

i will only get my internet up and running on 22 sep. i guess its too long to keep bloggin in my word document. i decided that i should copy and paste it today. .. here goes.

8 Sept 2009

A new beginning

It probably still hasn’t set in that I am already in the so called land of my dreams… I rem waking up yesterday morning thinking: this is it. Something like the feeling when I prepare myself to go for my last paper of the term kind of kinda surrendering feeling. Yet this morning, after a long and uncomfortable journey of 6.5 hours on the plane, I arrived at Narita Airport. I cant exactly say that I’m not familiar with it since its like I think my 4^th time in that airport. At this point, a scene dawned upon me. I remember when we had our so called grad trip in Japan after Sec 4, with me, shiro, Gary and Rambo, Gary and I were waiting for Rambo at Narita and we were holding my viewcam, sorta like hiding from Rambo coz we took the cheaper Malaysia airlines while he took SIA. So we were filming him from far it was damn funny. Kinda wana look at those footages again.

But anyway, coming back to the trip this time, We arrived, and although we only expected our so called ‘Big Sister’ from Japanese Association Singapore coming, there this other middle aged man who came to pick us up. His name is Suzuki san. And although he claims he’s just the chauffeur for the day, he’s actually one of the directors of JSA, and also like the CEO of one of the biggest Japanese Insurance companies. My heart sank when I heard that. But He was an amazing character, though I just spent a short couple of hours with him.

Cut the long story, I had a 30 min introduction of the hostel from this warden who cant speak English, luckily I had Ichi San, the big sister there to confirm on some details and also act as my interpreter. Shortly after which, we went to this department store to get some stuff for Joanna, and off they went to her hostel which was abt another hr’s ride away… there and then I was left on my own. The rest of the day was a little adventure on its own.

I took over like 5 boxes of barang from MC, the guy who was staying here before me, and so I laid out all my stuff, put them in place, almost in the same way as how my rm was arranged in SG, of course with a lot less stuff. Before I could finish, I got too tired and fell asleep. All the while with this very thrown on my own/ lonely kind of feeling lingering. As I was thinking of what to do next, I am overwhelmed at the things I know I have to do, but still, I cant help but be soaked in that left on own feeling. I don’t even feel like going to get my admin done, like foreigner registration and stuff. But well. I woke up, and realized that MC didn’t leave me an adaptor to plug in my SG applicances, and knowing that I couldn’t survive this night without my laptop, I set of on bicycles and cycled to the same dept store which was about a 5 min cycle away. Its pretty convenient. My hostel has a 4 hour bicycle borrowing policy, which was provided free of charge. This means I can use the bicycle to familiarize with the surroundings, buy groceries, get other necessities, but cannot use it to bring me to the station to go to school… I guess I have to figure out the best way to get to school without a bicycle to bring me to the station quickly. It sounds like a 20 min walk to station everyday. Imagine my travelling hours. Luckily I figured out how to put videos in my ipod quickly, I guess I am relying on that to get me to my destination…

So well, I went on to get the adaptor, which I didn’t know if it would work, coz the sales guy at the electrical appliances section gave me a disclaimer that it was for Japanese appliances for use abroad and not the other way rd. I looked at the shape of the holes and went ahead with it.

Came back, went for my first meal at the Shokudo (canteen) in my hostel. It was pretty gd. 3 menus a day for each meal. My meal cost me about 370 yen, which is about S$5.50. it had a big rice, with katsu maguro, which is like Tuna fish cooked in those kotsu style. Deep fried with the batter. With miso soup and salad. The rice filled to the brim, tho its just fish to go with it. Haa. Feeling fulfilled, I came back to my rm and continued with my packing, of which I think I am almost done. Looks familiar huh.. the way I put things ahha.

So well, here I am, taking my 1030 的飞机。

I wonder what kind of a person I will turn out at the end of this thing.

Once again, it was emphasized that I couldn’t bring any friends into my room. Even when they come to visit me, have to let the front desk know. And they seem like they are really strict. Even when MC left me 5 boxes, they requested that I only leave 2 boxes coz its like taking space in their office when he’s not ard. So well, guys, those who were thinking of free accoms in my Villa, haha. Well. I’m sorry, the sea views not urs to share hahaa. Anyway, yeah I do have a sea view. Its like living in East coast park the UDMC chalet. Morning wake up, go past a fence it’s the sea liao. I am going to jog tmr morning and i will tell you how it feels. I am going to be very fit here I think. I saw an ourdoor bball court today, nobody played there. I might get a ball haha and maybe shoot there myself. But shit, this means I have to get bball shoes. Haha.

And… I have push up bars left behind for me.

Ok I guess its time to feed myself with some of the overloading info given to me already.

I just wanted to be a ghost. I din wana see anyone I knew.

9 September 2009

Things I did today:

was so reluctant to get up coz of the great weather. Ended up waking up only at like 11am or something. If this goes on I don’t know how I am going to get to sch man.
I went for a jog immediately after hydrating myself with Pokari Sweat haha. In my fridge, there is a bottle of 2l Coke, a bottle of Pocari Sweat and a bottle of 午後の紅茶　milk tea. Also there are 6 cans of Asahi Fresh Beer which I haven’t touched. My run was like an orientation run. Went to find the way to the jogging track beside the sea, but there was no way to get there! Its like every building was sticking to each other without those gaps tat will allow you to go to the other side unlike Singapore. On top of that, every apartment has a sign that says ‘CCTV in use’. I bet I’m not the first monkey thinking of climbing over those fences. In the end I made a big round, and with the assurance of some old man on a bicycle going thru a gate that says, ‘関係以外立ち入り禁止’which means no unauthorized entry, I went thru this small little side walk that clearly was created by pple walking thru it endlessly. I eventually fulfilled my small little dream of jogging by that little pathway facing the sea in front of my window… at the breakwaters, there were many old men fishing.. I guess this is really the kind of life in a small little town an hour off a city like Tokyo. I’m amongst these men are pple who were once on top of that corporate ladder in Tokyo.
following which, I came back had a quick shower to catch the final mins of lunch hours in the canteen where I got a pork curry rice. Things in my canteen is quite cheap but not that cheap. Like S$5 a meal is about normal. The servings of rice is normally pretty generous, which really helps since I go hungry always. But well. I bought miso soup and some cup noodles in my rm as emergency food.
after lunch, I headed out to do my ‘Alien registration’. In japanese, its called 外国人登録 which means foreigners registration. But their version of it reads Alien Registration, as if I was from like some other planet. When I was doing it, I realized I forgot to bring my Japan Address. To go back and get it would mean a 20 min bicycle ride back and forth. Luckily I showed the guy on the map where I was staying, and I guess he could find it on the internet or something. Pretty helpful guy. After which I went to a family mart which was like a 7-11, where I got this lemon drink by Kirin. After my first sip then I realized that it was alcohol! It was like 6% alcohol with lemon tinge. So I guess something like a super strong jolly shandy haha. It tasted kinda awful. After getting my registration done, I was half thinking if I should go apply for a banking account but I guess I could take it slow. Haha. In the end I went shopping coz I needed some stuff like more hangers, washing detergent, and towels etc.. so yeah. I went to the same store and got those…
was wondering if I should start bringing my camera out and start snapping stuff. But I guess I should take it slow. Somehow I think I shouldn’t even treat this week like I am already in japan. I should like imagine I’m in like this vacuum, like in no one’s land, and really concentrate on impriving myself. Everything else can wait.

10 September

These days, staying alone at home for a long time does not really scare me that much anymore. I have kinda gotten used to the feeling of staying alone for an extended period of time. With every decision you make affecting you in many ways. For example, when I pee I take good care not to be too casual but aim properly, so that I don’t need to clean it tt often. The same goes for making a meal in the rm etc. I hate to wash, and everything I do, I will try to keep my rm clean. Such I guess is one of those things about living all by yourself.

Today I cycled about half across the town, probably the furthest I have ventured so far, to get my bank account working, I also faxed in an application form for internet from my hostel. Internet will have to wait for tmr, while the bank account has failed. They claimed that they need my ID to be up etc. I guess I will try at Takadanobaba branch and see how.

Later in the night… I have been reading Lee Kuan Yew’s book, in hopes of improving my political awareness in SG. In the process of that, I find myself deeply understanding the reasons behind many of the policies that were put in place in SG even til today, and not just take it as it is. I think it might equip me to think of policies in a different light.

In the days before I left Singapore, I met a number of pple. And each time the topic of ‘what do I wana do after this one year?’ comes up, I cant help but consider the admin service. Yes I know its more of the other way round.

Was interrupted by a phone call and it was from Xianna. You cannot imagine how relieved I was to have received this call from her. We ended up speaking from like 930 pm til like 1 am ahha! But yeah. We spoke about everything under the sun, as if like I was catching up with her before I left for japan, just that it was on the phone and I’m alr in japan. Haha. I don’t rem I even had such amts of time to speak to such extents with her in SG. Haha. Its amazing how going overseas frees you up for this and that.

11 September

How befitting. Sept 11. they had Japanese pple singing to remember those who sacrificed during sept 11. its like what. 8 yrs already. How time flies.

Today, as usual, I went to try to do something impt. I setup my bank account with Mitsubishi-Tokyo UFJ bank, at the request of my big sister from JSA, am obviously looking forward to the amt of $ coming in, of which I’d prob have to start doing some budgeting.

I also went to Waseda University for my own short walkaround, just to see how long everything will take. These are the results.

On my way there:

Walking from JAL hostel to Shin Urayasu Station: 17 mins

Waiting time for train: 12 mins

Shin Urayasu to Tokyo Station: 19 mins

Changing lines in Tokyo station: 12 mins

Tokyo to Takadanobaba: 27 mins

Walking from Takadanobaba station to Waseda Uni: 18 mins

Total time taken: 105 mins = 1 hr 45 mins

Wow. Jaw almost dropped.

Coming back:

Walk: 18 mins

Tokyo to Shin Urayasu via chuou line: 1 hr 20 mins

Walk back: 17 mins

Total: 115 mins = 1 hr 55 mins.

Wat kind of commuting hours is this? I guess I am determined to explore getting a bicyle which I will cycle to the station and also maybe take the metro there so that I don’t need to walk that much at that side too. But then again, walking is a nice way to experience also lah. Let’s see.

Was watching lost in translation on the train ride. It really did make it a lot easier to pass time. But.. I am running out of movies. On top of that, my overtime just failed on me. Sian. So well, I don’t know how after I have exhausted my dramas. I guess I can start thinking about what to ask pei bring over this time round. Haha. He is coming dec 25 to 10 jan. 2 weeks here in Tokyo. I guess we will have a lot of fun.

Have been reading memoirs of Lee Kuan Yew, almost like a third of the way thru. I am surprised I am diligently reading it textbookish style, finding a lot of relevance to the policies that were put in place for the better of our lives. At least that’s how it was thought out to be. But I must say every single decision is not an easy one and we always have to attempt to weigh. Its so tough, because its sometimes to intangible… and unmeasurable. Its really tough to please everyone…

….

To be honest I am really really lonely. I feel like a caveman. I know this is good if I can stay disciplined these few days coz this has really been what I’ve been wanting, an extended time without any disturbances, distractions to really do the things I wana do. But I just find it hard. I am probably a lot more of a social animal than my friends. And I find this really hard to survive. Kinda lost in translation. The feeling when you know whatever someone says, u can never understand them 100% even on the surface, not to mention trying to read between the lines, trying to understand in depth exactly how a person is thinking. Not I really understand how precious it is to have someone really understand you, and I guess its something we take for granted if we’re at home most of the time. I guess its times like this that just meeting someone from Singapore, don’t need to care who he/she is, its already such happy stuff. That obviously explains my long conversation with Xianna last night. Haha. I guess when internet comes, all is going to revert back to those old ways. Of like just passing kinda feelings of connectivity.

What a sentimental night. I’m like jotting down my thoughts every 5 mins. Since its Friday, I decided that I’d reward myself with a beer, since I’ve been doing pushups and situps in my rm. I guess I can more than compensate for those calories burnt these nights. Haha. I doubt it will carry on. So well, my first can of that carton I bought is going to go down now. Along with that first banana from that bunch I bought the other day. Haha. Wat great companionship. Beer and banana. Am half thinking of going to knock on some Japanese uncle’s door and like offer him a drink. But I guess I will pass that. Its like wrong haha. I don’t think I will ever make friends in this hostel.

Haha I am writing all these while trying to do some studying simultaneously on the Lee book, Japanese, maybe a little bit on photography and of course all the info about sch. My god. I guess my highlight tmr could be to cycle to Disneyland. I guess that’s one of the only few perks of staying that far out of the city man. Hahhaa. To be honest I think its not that far out. Its just all the changing of trains, walking that’s killing me. My train ride to Tokyo station is actually on 20 mins.

As eager I am to get connected to the world via my phone and internet, I actually do think that these couple of nights did provide for very good solidarity. Of course its one of which I am definitely not used to, but one of which is to be described as awakening. And I can already see the benefits. I’d normally take decades to finish a book this thick, probably giving it up somewhere… but I’m already a third thru and really finding it tough to let it leave my hands. I’m like using it as motivation to do jap now. Not the other way rd. I’d tell myself to read another chapter of it, I’d have to do 1 chapter of jap first. Hahahhaa.

Now I’m thinking of the times before you left for France. That final time when we went to book Pan Pacific for National day preview and so on. I thought that time to be amazing. Seriously. I thought of nothing of the $ spent. It was well worth it. Ba long long come back from preview to shower and stuff. Its one of those extravagance that cannot enjoy too much. If not no feeling.

12 September

Today’s studying day for me. Had half wanted to make a field trip by cycling to Disneyland just to see how it all looked like from the outside. But well, it rained in the morning and the roads were wet, so I wasn’t tt motivated to go. Ended up deciding that today would be studying day for me. Haha. Read up on my Japanese, the Lee book etc. should be pretty fun.

Come to think of it, its hard to imagine life if I didn’t get that adaptor on the first night man. I’d be without my laptop, cant watch vids, cant be typing this now, can sync my ipod, wont have my ipod, cant charge my handphone, cant listen to music. I think that’d really have sent me into depression haha.

It’s a rainy night and you know how rainy nights make you emo at home, esp when I’ve been home the whole day… to top that up, it’s a rainy Saturday night. I looked out the window, realizing what a narrow piece of the view I was entitled to, reminded of how narrow a piece of the city I was entitled to, and would be working for. Why didn’t we consider moving away from the city, with the bane of inconvenience, we’d have so much to ourselves. Doesn’t ownership motivate anyone anymore? And this perception of value, its because there are more people there? Isn’t this some sort of a social valuation then?

Which reminds me, I should start uploading the pics took during my send off.

Reading so much of Singapore’s history and the region’s in such a single go, its really indescribable. Understanding neigbouring countries especially, I should’ve have known all these before even visiting them. Knowledge is really a beautiful thing in itself I must say. Why wasn’t I a geek? Haha.

13 September

OMG. I got a note that my internet will only come on 22 Sept. which means I will have to endure another 10 days without it!!! And on top of that there is the setup and stuff shit… so no guarantees that it will def work on that day man. Shit shit shit.

Today I went to cycle around Disneyland, just to see the places outside of it. Somehow someone told me they have fireworks like every night, but well, I heard some noise like fireworks but didn’t get to see it from my window. I guess its blocked by some buildings..

Observations for the day:

· the traffic lights in japan change so frequently that even when I cycle, I didn’t really need to stop and wait for that many times even tho I passed many junctions. I think it’s a wonderful system.

· I realized the premium we place on Japanese girls are really slightly overrated. I mean a lot of them really dress very well, especially with their legs. I guess its like even their uniform’s skirt is already so short, thus to them, the real sexy ones really bare it down to just nice cover the vitals. Haha. But well, for this alone I guess its true that many girls just make you so inquisitive about looking at their faces since their overalls is alr so fascinating.

Time really flies. Its already my 6^th day here. I didn’t even notice it. In another 300 days or so I’m gonna be outta here. I can even count the days I’m gonna be living. That’s how short everything is.

my final day in SG

2009-09-07T04:22:00.000-07:00

wanted to say it feels like the last day in copenhagen. but i guess its incomparable. things i did today:

spoke to mum.
played a song to mum. "I love you 无望"
met dad. had sushi with him and auntie.
did my final packing
converted a few movies into my ipod.
said my final gd bye to countless pple via sms.
i realised that pple do love me. so many sms.

now sitting in living rm with auntie and uncle... doing nothing. bloggin. waiting for 745 pm and set off. ok off.

the final moment and the new beginning

2009-09-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

randoms thoughts of the last moments in SG.

I had Kambing soup just now and knowing that i'd not have it for a long while and that i'm gonna miss out on all these sinful food makes me slightly emo.
oh and i also had telor bawang
I keep thinking what I could have left out bringing to Japan even tho i cant pinpoint it.
I keep thinking of wat i'd be doing on my first 7 days in japan since i have the time on my own.
I cant believe that I am actually really leaving SG. and in less than 24 hours i'd be in a different land.
on 1 hand i believe that i'd have a lot of new things to explore, fun, yet i also feel that i'd have a lot of time to reflect and thus experience loneliness.
ok. by now you'd be saying: tell me what i dont know...
i feel that i've been repeating these stuff on all the catchup sessions that i have lately. and its no joke.
i'm excited to blog about my new beginning in Japan. also excited at the idea of posting nice pictures on my blog or Facebook.
yet i think its not going to happen. in the end i think i'd have no time to really master photography to post nice pics.
i'm eager and excited at the time i have to learn new things. japanese, maybe photoshop etc. of which i say for very long liao. i tink i've made significant progress on japanese... but still not enough.
i have a placement test in a weeks time on japanese and i am wondering if i should focus on jap for the 1st week i'm there. yet i brought a lot of other books to japan to read. one of them is the memoirs of Lee Kuan Yew. clearly i am interested in politics.

this was how 'all by myself' hit me.

2009-08-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin alone
I think of all the friends Ive known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobodys home

All by myself
Dont wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Dont wanna live
All by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Some times I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
All by myself
Dont wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Dont wanna live
All by myself anymore

2 nights in a row

2009-08-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

2 nights in a row, i've had this feeling. its the feeling of having half an empty stomach at night. today was coz i had early dinner. and no worries abt this usually coz.. i dont know. last night i went down to eat supper alone, a very utility-driven approach of going down, buying someting and chop chop eat alone. i experienced a fat cat sitting on the chair beside me, sleeping, with dozens of other uncles watching chelsea play burnley i think. and i realised how lonely i was. and i realised how the world including that cat could walk by me tt night and not know that i was there. i dont think i need the whole world to, but i havent done this in a long time. eating alone. eating for the sake of eating. i think i have to deal with it, because in japan i am dead sure i'd be doing tt most of the time. eating alone in my dorm canteen etc. and last night triggered this downward spiral of that emotional self pity... a moment ago, i went to the kitchen, half deciding on whether to cook that packet of instant noodles, or going downstairs and pay $4 for liek a bowl of noodles. honestly it was a hard decision. so difficult i relegated to coming back to my rm and type this. and i am still hungry... and lonely.
i dont wana call dad to get me out to eat, i dont wana call my bro. i dont wana call anyone. i'm done. at the same time, i was talking on msn with 1 or 2 frens, yet eager to not show them that i am overly enthusiastic about replying so as to hide my loneliness. this is pathetic.
this as it seems, shows just how fragile my life is. once upon a time, its like we had a number of layers of frens family etc. when 1 crumbles, the rest follow. they dont fail u, you fail them because u hide in own shell and wait for the world to come notice.
dont get wrong. nothing abt this is abt transition. i'm not in depression mode coz i am leaving SG and going to miss everything here. in many sense of the word, i cant wait to leave. there is no explanation to this and i hope there wont be any attempt, because i dont like how pple like to find patterns in things in order to aid their explaining of it. we r not comfortable living amonsgst things we dont have an explanation for, therefore we find explanations to everything possible, even if deep down we do know tt some of these are totally nonsense. and you know wats scarier? its when we dont even realise that some of our explanations are flawed. maybe we are brought in such a way that as long as it sounds logical, it must be THE reason. and to me thats scarier than not knowing the answer.
i can type for hours here but my mind works way faster than i can type. i can never accurately depict how i feel on my blog, because:
1. i only blog when i am sad.
2. i blog randomly and there simply isnt enough time to express evberything i wana say.
3. i forget my thoughts.

'all by myself' would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

2009-08-23T03:18:00.000-07:00

Alone in this house again tonight
I've got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I've thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rainFrom my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if i turned the sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I've thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyesTonight I wanna cry......

vitamin Cs

2009-08-17T23:17:00.001-07:00

i have a big box of vitamin C pills that had one final last capsule and i finished it this morning. its so symbolic.

i'm struggling between pulling myself together and feeling excited about what the year ahead has in store for me. i'm of course hoping that things will turn for the better, but thinking about having to look back at a relationship and wonder what it could have been.... i think my life is just full of such. in a bid to travel light, i let go of my luggages along the way, and along the way wonder what could have been if i had kept this in my life, and that in my life. but i travel light i guess.

maybe thats an excuse.

God grew tired of us

2009-08-07T12:18:00.001-07:00

I guess I'm in no position to even put that quote because you could really imagine the despair and hardship one must really go thru to even say those words...

Today I had a taste of how vulnerable people are. in shows, its so easy for the characters to lose their loved ones in a matter of seconds, but when u start imagining those things happen to you... its unimagineable. seriously. even til now, when i see the pictures of my loved ones, and realised how much we have grown/grown old over the years, one cant help but wonder, in another span of the same time period, one of those in the pictures might not be there anymore. yet life goes on. this is not as profound and i'm making it sound. but it does really affect me. to the extent that i'd imagine myself turning into some overemotional being if i dwelled on it for just a second more.

De-Sensitivity

2009-08-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

these days i've got days when i have lots of thoughts because on one hand, its transition period, which means to say tt the day that i am leaving in drawing near. and that also means that the day that jiewei will be leaving is really just days away.

even as I am really packing my days studying japanese. its also going to be a thing of the past since today is the last day of my full time class. kinda got used to going to school everyday for the past 2 mths or so. now its all changed again. leaving me a lot of time on my hands which i have no idea how to manage. same goes for money isnt it?

i'd always have all sorts of ideas on things that i wana do. but i always fall short. not too sure why.

i have about another month or so before i leave. and a final with week jie wei before she leaves. so many things are going thru our minds but we just choose to be desensitized. we dont even know if we're happy or sad leaving singapore and each other.

like it or not, we have grown to be dependant on each other. good or bad thing, i dont know. like it anot, even though i seem like the one who's independant etc, I too grow all too easy to get used to things within a short period of time. for example the 2 mths doing japanese. not to say a relationship that is of such time period and intensity.

moments where God exists...

2009-05-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

with the Dan Brown series coming to town again to challenge the notion of God and His people, it was moments when we see people like Susan Boyle that reminds us of just how the human spirit could really be imagined to resemble someone we deem as perfect as God.

it is times like this, when you see the human spirit proving to be above the expectations of other human beings that bring hope. sometimes that might take the form of an acknowledgement of our imperfections... sometimes others.

i saw a recent campaign ad for this family movement in Singapore and the first thing i went was like 'my this ad must have cost our govt a bomb' coz it was like a full 2 to 3 mins long when other big brand names like samsung's ads only took like 20 to 30s or something. but the other thing that caught my eye was how these ads in singapore has gotten more 'straight to the heart' in recent years. i really loved that ad.. go see.
http://www.thinkfamily.sg/web/general/homepage.asp

at the same time terminator salvation reminded me that what defines us as humans do not com from our exo-skeletal/ prosthetic limbs or anything else, but our strongly beating heart...

thoughts

2009-05-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

have so much thoughts to share. 1 by 1 i guess. bear with me.

let's start with a show that i watched recently. as i type this, i am struggling to find the purpose in which I blog. am I updating my friends who bother to read. or am i just finding an avenue in which to let it out. but why do i need to let it out? havent I already thought it out? alright, bullshit aside. its this show called lions and lambs. casts Tom Cruise, whom for once doesnt go in that glorifying mission impossible style box office hit kind of show, which reminds me that I should really go watch Valkyrie. but anyway, back to this. lions and lambs. if you'd like my thoughts in 1 line: go watch it. not on my all time hit list, but at least it sets me thinking and I like this kind of shows. the central idea of the show runs from the notion of lions in the warfront being led by lambs in the political offices. that lions who had noble ideas about serving their country, the very country that sometimes doesn't give a shit about their kinds, especially when these soldiers belong to the minority groups in that country, which very often is the case. so these soldiers who genuinely want to make a difference, with their ambition of making that difference to their country in the warfields and returning home then to make a bigger change, because the involvement in the war was presumed to add credentials to their patriotic efforts and thus making them more able to make that tangible change when they're back. note the huge assumption that they'd be back, which the show depicts.. classic hit on a point: that society doesnt reward those who care the most. classic hit about how it is those who care that fight the war and die as a result. it is those who dont care, that stays to run the country. classic hit on those who volunteer gets volunteered more. Society does counter reward in this don't you think?
next: Laker's won today. tying the series to 1-1 with Houston. but... very dangerous. note that I am very very doubtful about this series. got a bad feeling. let's see where this series leads us to.
met up with my Cell leader today regarding... everything in life i guess haha. Had a car ride long of talking about issues. on one particular issue, of which I could not seem to make sense of, we spoke quite extensively. It was said that I'd only know how to engage God when I decide to engage God. very true I guess. but now what? ok. enough of that.
all this while listening to a playlist in my itunes that reads 'emo'.
now that the choppy waters has calmed...
oh and before that... well, I didnt' meet my goal for the final semester. and dont even make it sound like I have a goal every semester because i Dont. this final semester, coupled with the fact that I NEED the grade, I guess its my first hand experience of ever working consistently hard for my studies. and it was simply a great run. no doubt a failed run, but a great one. and the rest of it? I just have to deal with it. deal with the fact that it was such a cloooooseeeee one. in fact, 1 grade away from what i wanted. something like an A- instead of an A that i needed. but well, i just have to deal with it. i just have to deal with it. once again, the same feeling. the same intertwining feeling that the ends really justifies the means. the so many wat ifs that could fuck my mind, but i guess i've been through quite some of these that i dont think of it anymore. i gotta pull myself together because at least i've got something to look forward to and guess that cushions the feeling of being left there all alone, floating in the middle of nowhere kind of feeling.
ok.. so now the choppy waters have calmed. and time for lots of reflection coz i've shoved them aside for at least 4 mths now. time for the strangely familiar things that i wana do... drums, piano etc. haha. time for a lot of japanese. time for catching up with the friends that i've put on 'hold' during the course of this crazy term. ok. that 'hold''s gonna get some reactions from people haha. you know who you are. i guess before i know it, its D day soon. 4 months not long not short.

halfway mark

2009-04-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

this is like the point at which you make a turn during the marathon. the 21 km mark and you suddenly turn around and embrace yourself, kinda psychoing yourself that you've done half, and the image of a half empty half filled cup comes to you. you try to psycho yourself to focus on it being half filled... but inevitably, every moment you feel that tinkling discomfort from this constant pace of pounding on your knees and ankles, you just can't help not thinking about the other empty half of it... you've suffered x hours yet its just halfway thru.

sad to say: i'm not really feeling that way. obviously the efforts in studying the remaining papers are assymmetrical.

crunch time

2009-04-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

come crunch time, its always the time with most thoughts. obviously not a very productive time to be emo momo and wild in your thoughts, but its times like this that i guess sets you thinking and questioning since life is kinda pain. haha. this time round, my worry surfaced, about not feeling the pressure early enough and by the time i realised how much time i really had, its really pretty much very very late. i'm starting to see many things requiring me to do now and of course that has kinda set me up slightly on biaing for the day, but well we'll see. pressure obviously also came in the form of the pressure to perform... its like basketball. if you've devoted an entire season training hard, then the game is for you to lose. if you went in with a nothing to lose attitude then yeah i guess the pressure is off. of course in the end its gotta be a combination of both. you dont wana overpressure urself on the need to perform, yet its not a nothing to lose situation. you just have to come at ease with yourself about what is this thing all about to you. i for one have trememdously shifted my attention away to focus on how enjoyable the process has been. and i'd gladly admit that this term i really enjoyed studying in itself. never mind the pressure from tests and stuff. but studying in itself was enjoyable, not to mention the 'high morale' when you think you've got it and seem like you understand, and of course the self efficacy you get when you know that you played a significant role in championing group efforts which otherwise would have been different without you. of course its not been a perfect season, like how i am fooling myself that lakers are still the team to watch. much as i'd like Kobe as MVP, its not him. all i can really hope for now is that they'd peak at the right time, the same that i'd peak at the right time with adrenaline to be my best during the exams. after it, i can suck at studying for all i care, because after that all the competency i need is on partying!
make sure i am at my best during the right timings and everything will be fine. thats all for now. the NBA playoffs are starting very soon and so are my playoffs. i've got a grueling road trip ahead of me, with back to back games, in fact 2 games in a day and after tt, no one's gonna enjoy my postseason coz i'm going to enjoy my NBA postseason intensity! I think i'd blog a week after the end of my exams and say the same shit i said last semester: i seem busier after exams than during exams. you know me.

music

2009-04-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

the value of a song comes big to me on the timing at which i listen to it.
i'd pay a good price for a music player that could read my mood and play songs according to my mood. that's why we need playlists and DJs.

Strange and beautiful

2009-04-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

an unusual morning

2009-04-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

wow. on the train with uniform clad students. cept that they're going to school but i'm going home from a long night of studying in school haha.
i walked out of school in the dimly lit morning light.. feels like going for morning classes in sec sch or primary school. one of those mornigns where i go to class earlier than usual. usually its like the first day of school where there is still quite some excitement about school. of course after that it dies down and its all downhill from there haha.
anyway, the gist of saying this is: as i was rushing towards the green light that only lights for a brisk moment of 26 seconds or so, with my bag and doing a brisk march with that, it reminded my of a time when i had to run extensively with a bag. during army. and it reminded me of my ranger course. a look into the sky reminded me of how i used to just look at the sky and wonder why i was doing wat i was doing in those times. and i guess i've never been as close to the sky as then, as close to a higher being beyond our comprehension. but i just spoke extensively to Him. maybe true enough, there was a Need for Him. maybe its just that i was closer to Nature. closer to the world as it was intended to be. rather than the many other synthetically created wants/needs/ stuff that we deal with everyday in our lives. i dont need to name them do i?
and well, i remember those skies. probably those times latest into the nights, when you are able to see the clearest skies. and of course without the light pollution in the city, which allows you to really see. its such a revelation that less light lets you see so much more.
its such a joy typing away now. but its nearing my station already. the half an hour journey suddenly become so short. perhaps i can blog my way through in japan.
probably ties in with my recent facination with oldies, or maybe songs that we used to hear a lot. haha.
i miss those schooling days. boy oh boy. i think i will miss SMU.
i think life is just this accumulation of experiences. yes. duh. everyone knows that. but i think its more than that. its the moment when you look back and reminisce about it that makes it so valuable. this is the way it should be. this is the way it should be.
that we feel this bitter sweet that we once experienced it. but find that its hard to experience it again. its this bitter sweet that defines life to me. you know the feeling of liking a song and not remembering it, but when it comes back somehow and you hear it again, and find it and sorta try to capture it by keeping it in your itunes or something. its that feeling. or perhaps even more accurately, when you hear your once favourite tune on the radio. and just enjoy that moment. knowing that you cant really capture it somewhere. knowing it will end. but just enjoying everymoment of it while its still playing. that's life i think.
today i was walking back home from the train station, and listening to the right songs, walking with the right mood just allowed you to experience and observe things that you just whiz by everyday. out of the train door, i trodded down the stairs, walked in between people. there there was, a little TV screen that was showing trailers of a new chick flick called 17 once more or something. and i just thought: created media like this essentially means nothing dont they? but then again, a great movie like Forest Gump to me, could have an impact that could be unfathomable. and so i stopped briefly to think about movies. as i was doing so, there were already hords of school children walking towards a nearby sec sch with their same coloured uniform. along the way, with the company of my music, i looked up at the building of the shopping mall and it stood serene, with the morning birds flying past. i immediately thought: i should pen this down before i forget it man! and then i thought: i could whip out a pen and paper, and start writing away. but that would compromise on the experience isnt it? i could attempt to remember the experience, but whatever i write here definitely cant do justice to that moment i was trying to describe isnt it? i could pen down every single moment of my life, but if i spend my life penning down my experiences, my experiences would only consist of those moments in that study room isnt it? i go for the experience. in a way selfish that i am keeping it all to myself and not passing down any form of written legacy to the 'next' generation. not that anyone would really wana read these crap in the first place.
i walked by and suddenly the smell of freshly baked bread come into my nose and it felt good, tho shortlived. it was a morning that i hadnt experienced for a long while as a uni student.
as i was walking home, the song that fitted nicely into that surrounding experience came to an end. i hurriedly scurried for another song that could at least be of close substitute. but by then, it was gone. now isnt this life?
there's so much that i could write.

sorta a great wrap up

2009-04-03T10:55:00.001-07:00

offiicially the last day in sch. had lots of fun and booze and all. sorta like just wana reminsice those moments in sch.. sorta like the last time we are doing everything. walking thru the councourse, gettting a drink in sch with the student discount... etc.

SMU has i guess, shaped me in ways unfathomable by my mind to comprehend but yet it is able to let me articulate about it, ways in which i will remember for a long time to come. yes, we can bitch about it like 90% of the time, about the workload, about this and that. but pls just humour me with the the remembrance of these amazing times i had. coupled with the fact that each time i graduated from JC and sec sch etc, i just felt, if i had the chance to relive those moments, i would have attempted to appreciate my sch life a little bit more. in the same way, i'm in the library now, typing this long story about how my night has been going on. typing on the keyboard hard enough for my friends in the library to sorta like wonder why is this semi drunk dude typing on his keyboard so hard.

and thats beeen the 2nd half of my SMU life thus far. many nights of working relatively hard compared to my usual work load, and then just seeking that level of comfort to sorta like comfort myself that i still have like a life in the form of like drinking in the school bar and sorta like talking to different pple here and there and seem like i have made my dues in school such that i would have a decent conversation with anyone and everyone in school. matter of fact is i am just typing this out with some friends seemingly oblivious to my queer behaviour in school right now. and my sms is ringing every now and then.

thats it? my smu life. ?

i'm still in the fucking lib tho. tats open for 24 fucking hours this period.

日本語で第一回のブログ

2009-03-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

これが僕の日本語で第一回のブログだ。こんなことは始めないといつもはじめないと思う。今日は一日中家にいったのです。ご飯の時間だけ廊下のコーヒーショップに行った。ぞれも独りで、大変寂しかった。　はい。　以上です。

那一段偶像剧的青春期

2009-03-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

endless rain

2009-03-21T03:42:00.001-07:00

it rained this afternoon, in the backdrop of a day that started really early for me, with many things piling right in front of me. sure there were a number of excitements, for example an event that reminded me that i was going to japan very soon, but still with all the things in my mind. i cant seem to decide on even which to devote my attention to first.

the rain continued while i layed on somewhere, to catch some sleep. sometimes i wonder, its really psychological aint it? that since u know that you slept very little, and thus are just lethargic to do stuff and thus sleep. more than a few times, my body have proved to me just how strong it is in combating physical tiredness, and obviously i am unimpressed by the workrate it is at now. i love my body. its amazing. the sheer fact that everything, EVERYTHING is working almost 99% of the time. your heart has to technically work at full capacity rate til you die. any sophisticated machine that has that utility?

check out pounding that you subject your ass on by sitting on it for the number of hours a day.

i wonder why i felt so out of place when we had a group of students who were going to japan, gather at SMU for this pre departure orientation.

kinda diverse group. but i just felt, weird. am i that different from everyone? why like tt ah ?

nevertheless.

was talking to someone about 'what's your core competency'? i sorta could articulate it very well. but to be honest. its soounds fluffier than any of my SMU presentations made. and i'm so comfortable with tt. ha.

what am i good in?

rain stopped long time ago. its way past appropriate time to be productive now.

i miss abilities of old times when i am more observant

2009-03-20T00:15:00.000-07:00

I have a hypothesis: that we are innately more observant when we are young. but we verbalise better as we grow older. thus the tipping point of expression occurs when we are still obervant enough and are able to verbalise what we observe well, which probably happens somewhere when we are in our young adult days. makes it more conducive too if it happens during a time when we are very free, eg after a breakup, a long holiday after school before work etc.

let me attempt:

ok i give up. i was in the train this morning, too tired to whip out any readings labelled fixed income to read on the train, too bored with the music in my iPod to really listen to them. and so i decided to observe people. of course there are people that you don't need a conscious effort to 'observe', but today i decided was going to observe the everyday kind of person. :)

and i told myself i was going to blog about my findings this mornign and feel rejuvenated as an 'observant', young and inquisitive boy all over again.. and i remembered that i remembered to blog about them. but i dont quite remember the contents of it.. sad.

mrt bloggin is only fun when u can sit down and open your laptop and blog on the spot. thats why its called blogspot!!! wow revelation of the day. if u try to remember abt what to blog, doesnt happen. sorry, doesnt work that way.

australia

2009-03-03T09:17:00.001-08:00

At some point of time I got so excited to blog about my thoughts at the spur of the moment… but blogger just wont work. Everything else worked but this bloody @#$%^&* website. I don’t know why. And I had so much excitement in me, but it faded.

I was going to say that sometimes its not about the song itself but the timing at which you first heard the song that would frame your mind about the experiences associated with that song. And this song that I just heard just reminded me about my time in Australia. It was the summer of 2003 and it was just months before I was going into the army. And I had some free time and so I decided that I was going down under to look for my bro. And this song was playing I don’t know from where. Probably on my very limited MP3 player that could probably hold like 40 songs or something. And I kept playing it coz I liked it a lot. Obviously a guy like me who proclaims that I tend to like songs performed by guys more since it mostly wrote about ‘man’ stuff. So liking Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’ was something of a rare event. But still it clinged onto my mind like any other songs that would have been termed as classics to me.

And so begins the framing of the whole experience. ‘Beautiful’ to me means a time of being carefree. A time of really starting to interact with people on the ‘adult’ level since bro’s frens were all his uni frens. It also meant to me a time when I was away from Singapore. It was almost the first time I travelled on my own on the airplane. And I totally enjoyed the anticipation of not knowing who you’d sit with on the plane etc. I ended up drinking with an Aussie lad on the way back to SG.

The song reminded me of a time when I was free but had a fictitious someone back in SG. The feeling of meeting back that someone and not knowing if she’d still be there for me when I am back kinda appealed. but honestly I cant remember much about the specifics of those ‘love’ moments. I remembered more the carefree and chill times I had in Aussie than anything else. Like going to this café in Brisbane that was called Little Paris and had was like a mini Eiffel Tower in the middle of the city, drinking what would be my first ‘sophisticated’ cocktails with sophisticated names. And of course the fish and chips and the numerous visits to the those china town cafes for Chinese students in what they would term as ‘Cha Can Teng’, or probably just a term in the group since Bro’s girl was a Hongkie back then. And of course tasting the cookings of my bro, with some noodles and beef balls kind of thing going on. This is kinda my first idea of what it would be like if you were to 出国留学，in the words of my mother. Ahah. And of course I guess its these anticipations that I bring with me to Denmark I guess. Of course I demanded more.

come to think of it, we really make a damn good pair

2009-02-27T10:54:00.000-08:00

prawns

2009-02-22T06:27:00.001-08:00

notice how Singapore is one of the few places who refer to prawns to loosely as to even call those small shrimps 'prawns'. probably the result of there being no distinction between the sizes of prawns in Mandarin, and then some champion just wanted to make his shrimps sound grander and thus i guess sell for higher price or something. see the capitalistic nature of chinese people?

anyway, this blog doesnt address tt. i went prawning for the first time the other day, and I just thought we all in the grander scheme of things seem to resemble this huge pond of prawns waiting to be baited up by this piece of meat that we place at the hooks. seems like this huge movie starring:

Us as: the prawns being farmed
the temptations of society: the little pieces of meat hooked on the hook
the addiction of those temptations: the hook

notice how when the prawns are being caught up, they dont seem to have a big reaction. its just very periodic that they have this huge jerk. they dont even struggle tt much when you remove their 'claws'. fresh water prawns have these mini lobster like claws that are very flexible and they claw you when you get near to them. notice how we sometimes arent even aware that we are hooked onto something. games, cigarettes, even somethings as subtle as make up.. etc. notice how there isnt a struggle to get out of those because we arent even aware in the first place tt we are 'hooked'. kinda shows how well those temptations conceal the hook when you first take the bite.

The 'Wrestler' in me

2009-02-22T06:21:00.000-08:00

I see a wrestler in me. one that resembles the Mickey Rourke's character in the movie of the same name. I mean 'The Wrestler' in this case.

I see a wrestler in me who would continue to wrestle just because he is not good in anything else in life, other than the thing that he does best. and its self imposed.

I see a wrestler in me who might fall into the trap of being in the business of pursuing his selfish dreams that when he comes back to the people who'd matter, they're not there for him anymore.

I see a wrestler in me who thought that loneliness is something he could deal with but grow old to realise that he has screwed up on this aspect of the prediction and is simply going to be lonely.

I see a wrestler in me who is trying to act cool for no one but himself.

but what am i doing to not become like him? I really dont know. in fact, much as i see the bad effects and the very real portrayal in the show, this morbid side of me kinda wana trod to that ending.

revelations on diversity: celebrate diversity

2009-02-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

another of those conflicting complaints in this world:

we complain about people are different from us being 'unacceptable', irritating, etc. fid it hard to be friends with them. 'they are just weird'. 'i dont understand how come they can think this way'.
we whine about not being able to differentiate ourselves coz our education streamlines us.

the conflict comes when we qn: do we want diversity? if i phrase my qn this way: i guess most higher education beings would say 'yes'! (another of those examples on how our education is streamlining us). but while we are all celebrating this diversity, can we really then accept this diversity? ie accept and celebrate that some of your friends will just be different from you. and I mean DIFFERENT.

the other side of the argument stems from: if we whine about people around us who are different, what do we want? that we become the same? I am looking at people who are different from me everyday and thinking: Thank God these people are different from me?! or rather that I am different from them! if not how I make an impression on people. if not how i differentiate myself from them? is there a need to differentiate? i guess no. not that I live it as like my only life goal: to be different. but i guess being different has many perks that comes as a result. once again qualifying that I do not deliberately take a different course just to get noticed. (altho i honestly sometimes do).

ok.... posting a post like this.... which category?

unveiling of old things

2009-02-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

I thought there'd be a surge of emo blogs this CNY since a lot of memories/ emotioins comes with rearranging your room and then uncovering some things that has been lying ard for a while. And i thought CNY provides the chance for this since there's this thing called 'da sao chu' during CNY. didnt see many of those stuff. my family went thru 1 round of emotional cleaning this CNY. with shoutings on first day of CNY etc. but well. not me lah. i guess i act blur live longer.

uncovered a chinese essay that i wrote couple of years back. and first thing i was thinking: wow. my level of mandarin was pretty impressive. note WAS. but i guess i really understand now what is the value of penning down your thoughts. coz the value of reading it again in the future is simply priceless.

understanding yourself

2009-01-28T07:44:00.000-08:00

attempt to describe the word 'understand'. one of the meanings of 'understand' is 'to grasp the meaning'. Meaning you have to understand the meaning. another meaning of 'understand' is is 'to interpret in a number of possible ways'. means to understand the word 'understand' you have to understand that there is more than 1 understanding of anything you'd like to understand. meaning you have more than one meaning to anything you'd like to find the meaning of. to understand life, you have to find the meaning of life. to understand yourself you have to find the meaning of yourself. what do you mean by 'yourself'? you could ask the question to the questioner: what do you understand from the meaning of 'yourself'? 'yourself' means yourself. I understood this by attempting to find the meaning of what it means to be myself. what does it mean to be myself?

When we question this much, we think we understand the meaning. but i guess we get more confused. and give up someway. and when we revisit this issue, we think since we've given x hrs of thought to this. we understand the meaning of life. one of the greatest fallacies in life is in thinking that understanding of life if proportionate to age. at least thats what i think. sometimes i think the older i am, the more i understand. at other times, the older i am, i think i am more confused about life than when i didnt start thinking about it. my observation tells me, age is not proportionate to understanding. but rather, it is proportionate to belief. the older you are, the more ingrained your belief towards a subject matter is. meaning your understanding could be more true to facts, or more untrue. the intensity is higher, but nobody knows if its true or false. whats true?

the irony and cliche thing (at least it is cliche to me now) is often put this way: you will only attain true understanding when you understand that there are many answers/perspectives that can be offered. sometimes that sounds to me to be as good as not knowing anything. at others it entails meaning profound enough to make me 'feel' enlightened for a long moment. almost the kind of motivation for you to do anything after reading a self help book?!

any good essay according to my JC teacher entails a balancing argument. especially an argumemtative essay. also a good essay can never be complete without a good conclusion/ending. i dont know how to give the other side of the argument to a piece of writing that argues that: the only truth is when you understand that there is no 1 definitive stand, (which by the way is another major no no for essay writing according to the same person). i also have no major conclusion/ending for this.

i shall end here. because i have to go back and study 'strategy'.

Chinese New Year Revelations

2009-01-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

Its kind of ironic how sometimes Chinese New Year, supposedly a time of reunion, makes you realise just how much meaning there is to this 'ritualistic' gathering. ritualistic or not, i guess its up to the family. and there is no guarantee that the family that thinks they are united, is in fact united. not naming names, i've got people who are in denial that their side of the family is intact and gathering well, while the one that seems to be heartless in times of need, actually, in my opinion, shows more family instincts, the whole sense of that word. i honestly wana silently boycott gatherings that seem ritualistic. gatherings that lose more meaning than if we were not to gather at all. who are we gathering for? why? for what? pardon me but i understand that there are politics involved in this thing. coupled with space constraints/ relationship problems etc. ie which brother or which sisters are not on talking terms with each other etc. sometimes i wonder if the solution to this is to have a smaller family with less siblings so that the permutations of possible conflict will greatly decrease. better still. no siblings, no slibling rivalry. no children, no inheritance problem. but i guess that also means no gathering haha. I once viewed this reunion dinner time on Eve on a sacred note. always wanting to be there til at least midnight to observe the tradition of staying awake for ur parents for them to live a long life. haha. this year i just felt so out of purpose for this practice, it made me wonder: why?
and I guess stress builds upon the fact that we all see each other again on the same day, some uncles/ aunties had a quarrel on new years day. haha. i can only laugh at the matter they are quarreling over. serious. and smart mummy: she booked a flight way before to China on a holiday. sounds gd. I support her going away for a short one. of course she just needed to sound like it was a well deserved trip for her. Mum always has this trump card of hers that if you do not do it her way, she'd just start sounding stressed up with all the things piling in her life. Even when she's technically not working now. i guess not working has its stressful parts as well. as i would understand it. since everyone else now thinks that you are damn free to run errands for them. to do all the non recurring things for them, which ironically is on a recurring basis. so i guess mum is valid. aha.
CNY is indeed a stressful time for any family i guess. simply because during this time of the year, we see each other more often than normal. which tilts the balance.
us 3 brothers see it all from an outsider's perspective. because we dont gana since we r not directly involved. Grandma kinda is neutral to anyone who didnt come out from her. this means the son in laws, the grandsons etc.
so well. all the bitchin aside. i guess i saw more of my brothers lately. not tt we dont see each other not tt often during normal days. just during this period its intensive. and yeah. i guess there still are things worth appreciating. like seeing my adorable younger sister start talking to me.

in the lib

2009-01-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

just a month ago, I was in the same lib. but the feeling was so different. i feel like i am sitting in starbucks listening to my music. it feels so good to have TIME. time to carry things you are supposed to do at a pace leisurely? i am not sure. i might not enjoy this for long. but i sure am enjoying the slowly mugging process rather than cramming everything at the end. in that sense i think studying can be fun. and i definitely have never experienced tt liking for studies. perhaps when i was doing japanese.... haha. or like when i AM doing japanese now. it feels so challenging to understand more and to know that what you are learning now is really going to benefit you. : )
i love studying. learning. to be more precise.

Forever Love

2009-01-04T11:22:00.000-08:00

within the next 2 weeks, highly likely that I will listen to this song live, and perhaps only in the midst of that performance will i really understand its true meaning. I really love this song.

Forever Love

by X Japan

もう独りで歩けない
時代の風が強すぎて
ah　傷つくことなんて
慣れたはず　だけど今は。。。

ah　このまま抱きしめて
濡れたままの心を
変わり続けるこの時代に
変わらない愛があるなら

Will you hold my heart?
涙　受け止めて
もう壊れそうな　All my heart

Forever Love Forever Dream
溢れる想いだけが
激しく　せつなく　時間を埋め尽くす
Oh Tell me why

All I see is blue in my heart

Will you stay with me?
風が過ぎ去るまで
また　溢れ出す　All my tears

Forever Love Forever Dream
このままそばにいて
夜明けに震える心を抱きしめて
Oh Stay with me

Ah 全てが終わればいい
終りのないこの夜に
Ah 失うものなんて
何もない　貴方だけ

Forever Love Forever Dream
このままそばにいて
夜明けに震える心を抱きしめて

Ah Will you stay with me
風が過ぎ去るまで
もう誰よりもぞばに

Forever Love Forever Dream
それ以上　歩けない
Oh Tell me why Oh Tell me true
教えて　生きる意味を

Forever Love Forever Dream
溢れる涙の中
輝く季節が　永遠に変わるまで
Forever Love

i dont even know where to start

2008-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

usually at this time of the year, people who are in any way influential in other people's lives would highly encourage them to reflect upon the year that passed and perhaps something they look forward to achieving in the coming year. we commonly call these reflections and resolutions. somehow nothing was imposed on me this year, and all the more i feel the need to pen it down somehow.

2008 has been nothing short of the word turbulent. to the world and probably to me. as a direct consequence? i wouldnt say so. my life could have been .... and i guess i do in some sense have 09 to look forward to in many ways. so many disappointments, yet so many hopes. statistics first:

2008 is probably the first yr ever in my life that I spent more time away than home.
2008 is probably the year that I have travelled to the most number of places in a year.
i slept in 2 airports in 08. and the list goes on and on. I love SG more than ever in 2008.

2008 is a year of transition for me. thinking about what i want to do in life, etc. 1 exchange, tons of travelling in europe, 1 summer school, 1 crazy term where i had crazy grades. 1 internship concurrently. 1 hellof a time juggling between sch and work. 1 hell of a holiday where i am working 5 days a week. 1 girl that i love so much, coming into my arms and leaving... what a year. Love is sacrifice. I think i have been so in love with myself i dont know how to love others. if the definition holds thru, that love is nothing but sacrifice. I havent seemed to sacrifice that much for a girl.

If i didnt work out with such a great girl...

2008-12-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

what makes you think I will ever work out with anyone?

I am focusing on the wrong things in life

2008-12-21T06:53:00.000-08:00

妈咪，我学乖了

2008-11-26T19:11:00.001-08:00

妈咪，我以后再也不敢临时抱佛脚了。我这次学乖了。下一个学期我会好好用工读书，不要再沦落到像这一次，到最后是我自己受苦而已。竟然需要过了这么多载才体会到这样子的痛苦，我好像一生都没什么读书吧？我真的不喜欢被强迫度我不喜欢读的科目。这是为了什么？不能说服自己，我很难咬紧牙根毫不质疑地去做我觉得没有意义的是。

总而言之，下个学期希望不会太迟。

hitori de benkyo suru..

2008-11-24T03:08:00.000-08:00

i hate this feeling.. of facing an unknown circumstance alone. of facing something i have no efficacy of solving alone.. i felt this when i was in Brunei building my shelter and then it suddenly collapsed.

diaries that you really go back and read

2008-11-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

you know how you blog and forget about it? tell me how many times have you went back to read your blogs? thats coz your blog is full of rubbish which is simply info overload. it'd take as long to reread the blog as to write them. so what for? most of the time its an avenue of letting go of your tots. but for some kinds of diaries, you really go back and read them dont you?

i just read one of my journals. in the midst of my exam, i really dont know how to write the word death.. haha. but well, that journal was my journal when i was in ranger course. the words were so few, but it really brought me back to some of the moments in those times. and everyday is an adventure in itself. so fruitful that i honestly cant rem all of them, coz its really can do everything. but i was reminded of some of the activities. AMAZING!

it is diaries like this that are worth going back to read. not some bo liao love story where both parties emo emo and stuff. but things like tt that are meaningful to go back and see how you've grown in that process and to remind you how amazing you have chosen your life to be. in the last 6 to 8 years of my life, every yr has been an amazing yr. starting from JC to army to uni. every yr has something in its highlights to boast about. i think this is my life. an accumulation of stories that i could tell. and obviously not the stories to tell about studying like times likie this. my God!@@@@ i hate studying. serious. i like the peripherals of studying for example CCA, knowing new people, hanging out together etc. but not studying in itself. seems like nowadays there are people who like studying for the sake of studying in itself. no? where do they find their motivation from? seriously? I think i might need to work very hard next term. i seriously think so. i am really hoping for average grades this term. nothing fanciful. serious.

I hope this really builds me

2008-11-20T01:05:00.000-08:00

and i can look back at this and think that i was so silly now to be so stressed up by these things that seems like nothingness. but i think its a new breakthru.. of level of stress in a given period.

this life

2008-11-17T04:51:00.000-08:00

I know its only going to get better from here. yet i find it difficult not to whin since everyting is such a bitch. studying is such a bitch when you are in it, but when you loook at it retrospecitve, its always nice because you look at the freedom times you had when in sch. breaks in between, time to relax, and engage in interesting things. no matter how the corporate folks try to replicate this with like team bonding things, friday morning huddles, its but an attempt to replicate that interesting interaction etc during sch.

things are oonly going to get better from here. at least that what i think it would be, even though i know its going to be a short 4 weeks of Dec before the whole cycle repeats itself. and of course i can lie to myself that next term is going to be easier since it is not the much hated accounting modules i am going to take. my archilles heels. but then again, looking at all the things i have in plans to do next term, i just think that its really overhwhelming, the things i set out to do. if i die today, i'd die with so many regret, not regrets, but feeling zan nen that i can't do them in this life. in life on earth. i have so many things that i want to do which i think if i dont, i really will feel so shitty. i wonder when i will be able to let go such that if i die tmr, i would die looking back and knowing that it has been a rather good life. i havent experienced so many things in life yet. but well. ok. quick blog. time to go back to study. me and my 2nd upper. whats with that?

lately

2008-11-11T21:01:00.001-08:00

lately i've had some time on the train thinking about my life not ahead but thus far. this term i must say is really stressful. i'm not even sure by now is it a recurring thing or is it just post exchange or is it just me.

i thought about basketball styles. and mind you, before you judge that it is some boy thoughts wandering, there is actually a lot of profound thoughts into it.

in my sec sch team, essentially there are 5 of us who played thruout. there are a lot of other friends. but in the many days where we stayed back to play ball, and the results of it on court, it was 5. and i remember when we were playing in sch, there was some form of speciallisation, that the other team is more of a team play, and my team is slightly less. but i think that arrangement provided the variety in the team, such that we had weapons in most circumstances. I hope to think that everything in life happens for a reason. once again, this is a proper excuse when your current situation is good while looking back at times when not so desirable things happened to you, and you heave a sigh of relief and tell yourself that despite all those challenging times, you managed to pull thru and got to a situation that is quite ok.

long term impacts

2008-11-06T03:27:00.000-08:00

I kinda could comprehend why people in SMU might get fall into depression. I always tell people, even someone as chill as me could find it really difficult to let go in this place. its kinda the ultimate i guess. yet transiting into this part of my studies, things have really not been the same. every yr is a slightly diff experience.

halloween night

2008-10-31T07:45:00.001-07:00

I wonder if i'd still be celebrating halloween next yr. when work starts. perhaps. now i know why people dont like uncertainty. serious. i used to thrive on uncertainty. what happened? i need that certainty too. dont know why. my vision is in a slight blur. i guess i am tired, but i just cant put myself at home thinking tonight is halloween night and friends are out playing. haha. my carefree self might be a facade isnt it?

I forgot what I wanted to say

2008-10-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

filled with emotions tonight, dont know where to start. by the time i got to here, i've a few frens who came over for a drink to listen me out etc. I think there is dire need to get my life back on trac. but I am procrastinating. I find it so tough. I am throwing all the emails on hold, claiming that I am too busy to reply, while I am procrastinating. I hate the idea of having emails to check at work, returning home to think that you finally have some time to yourself, but have your personal email and the mailbox to check. your whole life seemingly is to check those mails to see who has what in stall for you, and settling them. your whole life is on settling mode. actually the way I look at it, the need to find a good job, the need for a house etc are all socially created isnt it? once upon a time, we just survived. but why are we running in this race of modern life, seemingly living under better standards, but yet, life becomes someting about settling. abt making everything settled in place. if not you'd be deemed as not having lived properly. ok these are just whining.

losing the opportunity recently brought me back to the feeling of a certain pt of time in my life. when i was facing somecrossrds as well. the last time tt happened. i made decisions that susbsequently sort of like impacted my life. there are many tings in my life I can come to terms with, and thus at ease with. for the others, it is a life of remorse, regret etc. it blows my mind what regret can do to me. i've lived in that mode for such a long time. I can't take it anymore. a life of regrets.

come to senses

2008-10-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Am I aiming for the sky? Over confident?
But I know I could have made it. big drop in confidence level. ok. the fact that I still know.
at the crunch time, its not about anything else but yourself. and I fucked it up this time. I failed to perform in the area that I was supposed to perform. its like me not getting any points from my best moves in a basketball game. and it sure was a crucial match.

this is just great

2008-10-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

this is just great. i should start emploring locking myself up for a month and experiment with sounds now. at least i get to see some light at the end of the tunnel of achieving something great. wow. ur hur. in a class that the prof is blabbering away on things that I am completely clueless about. not 1 not 2 but 3 modules that i am feeling this way this term. what is becoming of me.? i think I have to reflect now. my interviewer asked me about this today but gave me little chance to talk about my reflection. Its amazing

jap dramas always come during crunch time

2008-10-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

its like when i am free i just wont think of watching. its always like studying time or something. its like one of those distractions like your kitchen at home.

yet it always captures me. in 1 way or another. nm the actor is Takuya Kimura or some onknown character. i think i have just grown to love jap drama in its raw form. no need the star pull factor. just plain storyline.

reminiscing moments

2008-10-13T05:48:00.001-07:00

not even sure if i spelt it correctly. but as long as people understand.. it doenst bother me to get it all right. thats essentially me.

listening to some melodies in my com/ipod inevitably reminds me of times in Copenhagen/europe. i probably can tag this song to an image of me running along the man made lakes in Copenhagen city centre, while listening to my ipod, trying to capture every last moments i can of the city that i spent significant times in and will forever be a wonderful memory to keep. pretty sentimental, considering the many experiences i've had there, including running back after a late night out, cycling in the snow etc... each time, music kept me occupied, tagging those experiences to specific soundtracks with me. which will forever remind me of those moments. this is the wonder of Jay Chou isnt it. coz he can make you remember experiences, not because of his songs per se. Jay chou can make you remember a break up, a moment with a girl, a moment when you had to make a tough decision to leave someone, a song that you share with a girl, and so much more. he could even remind me of denmark, which i really have to give it to him.

coming back to the busy lifestyle in singapore, i wonder where i'd rather be. its really not tt clear cut. i know i have gotten over that post exchange syndrome long ago. once in a while. i think its the weather that determines many things. experiences that define culture, beaviour. i never the weather had such a huge impact til i was there.

friends too. i hope i can have another of such experience. from the bottom of my heart. just one more. and i'd be ready... for what i dont know. but ready to face everything.

studying endlessly always evokes emotions

2008-10-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

for me at least.

which is why my mind wanders around when i am studying. which makes it really inefficient. i think i will give this one up man it seems. hai..

a while ago i looked thru my SMU email, in an attempt to clear mails. in it i saw many heartfelt emails from people. these are the emails that i save. and i even have folders. for example an LKC support grp folder, a basketball folder and what not. and coming back. i realised i was going to graduate from SMU soon. yes its still about 1.5 sememesters away, but i just feel, before i know it. i'm going to be gone soon. serious. i guess i wont say i feel a strong sense of belonging to SMU like i felt for JC or say dunman, but its a different feeling. one filled with more experiences rather deep ingrained friendships. and the experiences itself would prove to be worthy of rememberence i guess. but i guess in smu we are all so busy, maybe we'd only truly enjoy the frenship when we start working. i am making a big assumption here that we'd be slightly freeer when we work. which probably isnt true to start with. haiyo. this is life leh.

are my education days seeminly over? or am i destined to be a student my whole life? i like to ask overhwhelming questions. like "why cant we nationalise auditing"? since it fits well into the public good mould? or should it be paid by the investors? hm..

its 943. and i m not done with a single chapter. i am miserable.

familiar territory

2008-10-08T03:34:00.000-07:00

somehow i find myself in a familiar position today. i remember last week sitting in almost the same position experiencing the exact same drag as I am today. somehow taking just 3 modules this term seems deceptively simple... it kills! the only difference this time, it is not AFA, but the also ever familiar tax module in SMU. my God. how did i even sound positive about picking accounting just earlier today? aha. and the biggest problem: i meant it. with all my heart. in this respect, i really agree with the old people's saying of work hard to be successful. work hard to be successful in your grades. you really have to be a mugger. first upper. what a dirty word.

AFA test

2008-10-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

crunch time crunch time. its minutes away from a major test. seems major at least. i think for many of this term i am going to be grappling with this huge feeling of being a minor in class, of not having done my readings and therefore being sped past by the F1 like speed of how things are going on in class, yet still cope with this sense of self worth(lessness) to know that all is fine. this is the feeling of knowing that you are slowly deteriorating in school and school definitely is not the best place for you to be anymore. you feel placed behind by society so much that its time to leave this pond. you hope in your heart that there are other places where you can seemngly perform, thus finding back your self worth by feeling important in an organisation and being amongst the top performers in that league. but what league are we talking about? if you do not compete with the best is it any worth competing? i think so i guess.

the spirit of the games are such that.

grappling with so many things in life has cast a spell on me to be indifferent. to many things in fact. can we really lead life in this way? by having seasons of being busy and stuff and hoping that you will then have the life later to enjoy it back. I suspect it isnt that simple.

someone just told me really recently: since i've always been a strong advocator of good worklife balance, am i having any worklife balance now? i used to be able to justify that it is working for a future cause of being able to find a good job so that i have more choices to eventually get me te worklife balance. but essential the same argument is the one i am using against many for giving their life away. it is just a matter of the time horizon.

have i transitted somewhere? or do i just

saturday in school

2008-09-27T03:00:00.000-07:00

F1's creating some buzz in the city i must say. yet i am in school, struggling to study in a predefined studying hours, but definitely miserably failing what i set out to achieve. a little lucky the date of the test is 3 days later than what i prepared for.

have i ever mugged this hard before? i dont know. i think things are getting more and more difficult such that you need a lot of time to get something in your head. or is it that we have been becoming more and more stupid? or is it just me?

internship started. got a taste of 2 days of working life, corporate life. interesting for the first 2 days i must say. but without my terminal in office resembling a pentium 4, i must say i am not impressed with the kind of IT facilities in office. it blew my mind about what to expect in the financial world. interesting projects tho. i am already beginning to be overwhelmed by what is expected of me in this short period. in fact i told a fren, i could literally count the number of days i am going to work. adds up to less than 30 working days. wow.

i hope i can do as much as i can in those days.

tiring thursday

2008-09-25T03:02:00.000-07:00

now i understand those who half work half study. haha. killlllll me. thursdays are a 13 hour day for me.

a productive day (only first half)

2008-09-23T03:07:00.001-07:00

have not felt so productive in a long whille. before lunch today, i've completed a long run. almost 2 hours. that sends a sense of accomplishment. its funny how the feelings of completing a run at different times of the day yields such different feelings. not tat i've been really productive since. just the feeling of going for a morning run is ever so refreshing. you feel like your body is being regenerated, couple that up with a detoxifying breakfast. i could feed on that sense of healthiness for a week. it feels good to be coming to school and study in the lib. not that i am starting already. been frustrated at how many websites i can't get to in the school network. such that i cant even blog this right away.

if running in the morning could produce such desired effects consistently, i would definitely do it.