life defining moments

you know how sometimes there are things are redefines the way you look at life once again. like you always thought you were an extrovert and suddenly you discover this real deep side of you that says that you have been hiding all your life. and things start crashing down on you coz your fundamental beliefs of who you are just comes crashing down on you.

things will never be the same after. i always pride myself for being an upfront person, thinking it really empowers me to have quite some self control. i always pride myself for being a people's person and thus have quite a number of close frens. today, that belief is gone. i guess i've gotta reexplore this meaning of being a true fren. as theres no coincidence to why i could convince myself that i am indeed close to many frens, i really have wondered if all of these frens are really close to me. yes i could feel the genuineness when someone tells me he/she feels really close to me and stuff. but i start to wonder isnt there elements of girlish wants of exclusivity in all of us? that if my 'best' friend is spending more time with his this other friend, it might be a one sided friendship? i've always needed this kind of understanding from people who treat me as their best friends or at least close friends. i guess i need to redefine their feelings towards me. i always thought that there'd be understanding and i assumed that people treated me like 100% friends.

i've always been known to be diplomatic, knowing what words to say at what time. someone just told me today that because i am so diplomatic, he doesnt know when exactly i am true. almost sounds like i'm putting on a mask all my life. and i start to wonder, i've always been true to myself, but what if i've been lying to myself all along? i've had track records of cheating money, cheating on feelings, and each time i felt so bad after that.. perhaps i've really crossed the line this time i dont even know. perhaps i felt that i have been true to myself but i havent all these while. how would i know? i could show that i am upfront here in my blog, i dun even worry that the parties involved would read this., but have i been wrong? have i been putting on this false front to gain people's trust? to be very honest i really dont know. and i dun think anyone would ever know this deep about themselves. yes, we could say we are true to ourselves and settle as that. but what if theres something deeper?

this has always been something i've believed in. on one look its perfectly normal isnt it? but going deeper is it basketball that i am pationate about or is it just something that i am gd at that i am anchoring myself to? is it the love of the game or is it the love of self glorification during the game that i am looking for? people do more of the things they are gd at isnt it? have i gone past that stage of self-glorification? apparently to some i havent loh. i guess i havent. not so noble.

will i ever bounce back? i guess not you know. i think not this time. i'm trying very hard not to let all the self-pity bounce back in, its tough. when we look back at how we are brought up and try to link factors of our behaviour now to then, futile exercise.

sometimes i think things just happen. for no reason, sometimes the reason gets so murky you cant even get past urself. you dont even know what exactly you are thinking. i think i could manipulate my words so much that i even deceive myself. wonderful. i'm like so good at this: when people misundestand you, just listen first. dun try to explain urself. just try to listen first. do rebut others. just listen first. and then? after listening? i walked away from todays session not feeling wronged but feeling disappointed lah. i guess i understand the feeling when people say they are not disappointed at others but themselves. not that theres anything i can change. sometimes i really admire the image of Jay Chou. i think to be a celebrity, should be like him lah. i'm the kind who talks a lot. who tries to make a lot of sense. he's the kind who just do it. no need to sae a thing. i wonder how he copes when people wrong him.

i look at what i am doing and can't help but ask. am i living my life the way i want it? what kind of life do i want anyway?

seems like the kind of life where i gallop away in the pastures and mountain fields and i sit down once in a while and give thanks to God for all his creations would be great. that i would just pass everybody by and remember them as they best are would be gd too. i for one am someone who treasures memories. the memories with the Vietnam boys and girls, the memories i have in Taiwan, Japan, blah blah blah. are best, perhaps coz they dun live to the expectations you would have if time were to continue. then again.