my life summed up

1139. by right, time to grab hold of time. quickly shower, sleep before 1 am, to wake up in time for tmr's 830 class so as not to be sleepy in class. Fuck it. 1 night to feel in control of my life and not the other way round. but i'm in no control by doing this anyway. to the all time "fans" of this blog. you're going to see this naked jianfeng standing right in front of you tonight.

this is my life. essentially. wondering why it turned out like tt on bad days. giving thanks on gd ones. quite a fair bit of ups and downs.

1984: born.

1991: primary 1

1996: PSLE. did damn bloody well. 1 x yaya papaya. can go RI can go Dunman. wonder what would turn out of me if i went RI. thankful tt i chose DHS. coz in many ways i love the way i am now. (self centred piece of shit, its all abt how I and I like the way i am) which many tend to misunderstand. disappointment? i din get the 4A* that many of my peers did. but blessing in disguise. did better than many of them even tho i gt only 3. competitive shit.

1997: went to DHS. played ball. never dreamt of wininng. super act sei one. din noe wats humility. went on to lose all 3 seasons from sec 1 to sec 3. never study. grades fluctuated like the PSI this yr. but thankfully, it did fluctuate upwards too. out of no effort almost, just sheer interest for some subjects and being good at some other, did well enough to prove to the teacher who hated me that the most notorious guy in class could come out tops too.

2000: was stripped off being the captain of basketball without any explanation. that teacher have no idea what it meant to a 16 yr old boy when he wasn't given a chance for redemption. til today there have been urges of me wanting to go back to school and tell the teacher that i am not such a bad egg after all. went to start the win of basketball. since then i never looked back. another ya ya papaya. combine schs. graduated with prelim results of 9 pts. happy considering the amt of effort. but i knew i would not look back for O's. i was wrong. turned out, Os i also got 9. did better for most of the weaker subs. but din get the A1 for phy, chem, jap, and the rest that should have. thankful tt i went to VJ with buddies.

2001: leanrt abt humility in the first season. finally understood what it means to be a team. fouled out on the final, but the team still won. i thought i understood what it means to be in a team, that when you are out you still plac trust in your team mates and go on to win in the end. is this the act of surrenderence? i thought so. but not tested. we won. tts y everything was well and ok.

2002: captain finally. was out to defend the champs. lost in the end. many factors. injury. din focus on the process. focus too much on training and whacking hard. broke my leg. lost the season. down and out. i knew i was cursed that when i am the captain the team will lose. hav yet to prove tt wrong. As. did ok for my prelims as usual, considering the efort put in. give thanks to the 3 As i got in A levels. which would be of great help in the future. little did i know.

moved to aunts. house taken away. lived away from family. thought this could be considered family. tough.

2003: entered the army. bia for OCS. got in. give thanks to that. worked very hard to be the best. din get anything. not even platoon best or anything. i was always 2nd best. i wonder why. vice. 2nd best. deputy. assisting. that seems to be my role in life. i feel that i could not be the absolute leader of any organisation. i fit best as a supporting leader role. thats my belief in myself. robust in suggestions. but when in leadership position, somehow the team fails. something will happen out of my control and take it away. many instamces as seen later. OCS, worked extra hard. hated those who slack. put in my 101% everytime. not platoon best. not any best. nothing. even when i got appointment, its wing 2ic. what a coincidence huh. SOC 2nd fastest. slammed with 2nd lah. graduated, commissioning parade. parade commander!!! i thought to myself: this is it man. this is the day where i could make someone so proud, make my parents so proud of seeing their son shout those commands in the parade square. it went on to rain so heavily that the parade was called off. first time in history of OCS that cadets went thru a parade without stepping on the square. mum din understand what her son lost. coz she din know how much i've trained for, how much it means to me to see her and just get the nod of approval. din happen. commissioned. just for the records. i was platoon 2 PC. hahhaahha. spent awesome time with my men. sent for ranger course. out of course. pneumonia. wasnt sad. just tt i've trained so hard for it. was so deterined to just stay on. doctor told me if i'd stayed on theres really a chance i'd die.hahahahah. went on to recuperte. ORD.

2005: entered SMU, getting a scholarship. starting to feel confident of myself that i had a gift of making the impression at the interview table. i thought i had somehting different. i thought i was the creme de la creme. ha. my foot cream. but give thanks lah. shcolarship. as many think now tt i am scholarly. "all rounder" ha. failed a couple of other ingterviews. the real elite club in SMU. i failed that interview. hahahah. lost confidence. begining to feel that there are so mnay talents out there. got a good short internship. gd exposure. give thanks. lost the season. nothing. din put in much. so not disappointed.

2006: vice chair for ministerial forum. (just for the records.) president of bball? in the end also gena taken down. that really changed my whole view on frenship. but then again. we learn. sometimes i wonder why do i always need to learn it the hard way????? why do i have to fall to learn. ? its real painful and clearly not a smart way to learn. lost the season. this time as captain. see! when i am captain, nothing good comes out of it. sometimes i wonder if i am jinxed.

2007: this up and down has lef tme feeling that life is so random. it doesnt seem to be planned by someone. we r such situational people. when things turn out fine then we will be happy, when they dun then we turn out sad. yes, we can say that if we lead a life of surrenderence, we'd be living a purposeful life and thus understand. seek God in everything we do. means? tel him? i tell him wat. i tell him, pray tt we would have no injuries in the team. pray that he will proitect us from injuries and just play our best games. PLAGUED with injuries man. my body is giving way this yr. i dont know how to surrender. easier said than done. surrender means even if we lose also give thanks? how? i dont know. where is the line to draw between being competitive and beiing in surrenderence? sometimes i think some people in surrenderence are damn nua. surrender loh. then bluff myself that i have put in my best effort liao loh. whatever.

this season i am redefining everything in my life. perhaps coz i got too many blows consecutively. just like how people must be broken before they wake up. i need to wake up. i think.

i called my leader and asked him: have you ever backslided?

i wonder:

how different is the modern church from the mass of people who was witnessing the sacrificial in APOCALYPTO. when they lifted their hands and worshipped the sacrificial. ?

what it means to lead a surrendered life. ?

what does spiritual growth mean?

will i ever accomplish anything as the 'ultimate leader'?

will i ever get that nod of approval from my parents? my dad came to watch me play bball for the first time in my life this yr. i lost both matches. my mum came to watch my parade. it rained.

perhaps its coz of my attitude in wanting to prove something, tts why God is punishing me. but when does He wana punish me til? why does he not want to give me that chance?

each week i go to church feeling so much blood being pumped to every corner of my body. i feel so much emotions. and i wonder that was the manifestation of God and what they mean when God is amongst us. skeptical shit. yet to be honest, deep down in my heart i wonder if wat i feel in all has anything to do with.... i can't feel Him. i dont question about suffering.

Pastor "Dark" (i cant spell his name) mentioned that

"dont be mistaken that all of my attempts were hits. i have my fair share of misses." well. tonight i am just taking the approach of highlighting the misses that i had as well as the hits. so paint a non rosy picture but one tt is accurate. i could always use my life as a testimonyto others. after i accepted christ, everything went well. scholar. gd grades. blah...

but is that what being a Christian is about? to listen to testimonies and say "Amen!!" loudly and then listen to tragedies in life and say "Nonetheless, God wants you to know that He loves you"

why does God say "even if you may not understand" for tragedies and say "here, this is the gd thing in your life, go share it with the world"? is He a God of "spread the glory" but "dont hide the dark truths, just no need to highlight them" kind of God? why have no one given negative testimonies in church? because they r considered struggles and thus have been dealt with?

let's have realistic expectations of our leaders.

as i came to church the week before, was a bit late. came in saw yonghowe sitting in a the top left corner. and that really signifies what he's about, coz he's almost really the anchor of our tribe right? at the corner. for people coming in to relate to him and know its our tribe. without him to just stand there and fulfil his role, people might not even know that our tribe is our tribe hahahah. anchorman. but i really wonder how it feels humanly when you have to be in his postition. constantly sensitive to 12 lives. another 12 at shirley's side. fellowship with another 11 of his brothers under RL. i've done the maths. it adds up to 50 lives.

GOD!!!!!!!!!! this is called wrestling with you??? then i think i can do my finishing move on you now. Where the HELL are You!!! why do i have to type CAPITALS for you? You so big meh? hai. lightning strike me tmr lah. just dun let me burn here on Earth, leading this Fucked up life which is neither here nor there.

I'll be fine in a jiffy.

Wrestled. it is done. Journey Well.

Jianfeng to God, friends and all.