1 stone kill !@#$%^ birds

i intended this to be to yonghowe my MENTOR as per discussed today hahah. but then again i thought it'd be relevant to all, almost all who regularly read my blog and feedback to mi one. so well.. 1 stone can kill !@#$% birds! why not. its 243 am in the morning. i dont have a class tmr but have to reach sch at 9 am in the morning. @#$% and this is made possible only coz the caffeine still runs in mua budy and i've finally finished whatever i am supposed to finish tonight b4 going to sch to discuss the hw at 9 am in the morning. so i guess i have some slack to BLOG.

howe: regarding the qn you asked me today, i felt really down and out on sundae. honeslty. i sincerely think i must accept responsibility on the misjudgement. this is me. i always wana accomplish too many in too little time. i agree tt sundae was a classic example of trying to do too many and ending up neither here nor there. i am somewhat apologetic but then again, i din really have too much of an alternative. if you want the explanation you can read the appendix below haha. nah.. i can tell u when i see you. its mum and dad.

in the car i felt pretty shitty. i noe tt people are waiting for me, pressing me if you din realise. i've got calls from 5 different people thruout i think. appreciate the tone at which you speak. at least u tried to sound patient and understanding and all. "a bit late" deeply engraved into my heart. i'm not insensitive. every min in that car was tough, honestly. i already have the prep for pple to ask me how come i so late so on n so forth blah blah blah. and i know the family's been real understanding. i regret not having the chance to interact with huan's boys, the girls and so on. but i assure you that i love jason so much i dont know how to describe. people have been judgemental abt this i know. and i've at times struggled. but honestly, i dont need that extra affirmation from anyone to let me know tt i love jason. i know i sound self centred on this one. pardon me for tt. so tt closes the episode. i know tt people have been nice and affirmed me tt jason enjoyed blah blah blah. but i also noe tt deep down many would think tt it could have been much better. i am totally aware of tt. will try to do better next time.

on the drive to the party, i felt deeply enraged at one point. i told myself this is the way i am going to tell off anyone who questions me. "i could have just turned it down when mummy said no at first, but i pushed it and took responsibility for the use of the place.. i could have saved myself all the trouble of coordinating, being the middleman, but i chose to make it a rara one coz jason seldom has this kinda party which we enjoyed when we were young. i could have used my weekend 'efficiently' effectively' to do other things. but i chose to do this." i guess i just dismissed all these in certain control. i think its some form Godlyness that kinda woke me up. i realised those words come from the self centred me.

i wun bitch abt the lack of time tonight. i dun have time to do tt.

that closes the sundae.

the past 3 days have been crazy for me. i noe i look funny todae. pple's been asking me if i am ok. sometimes i wonder i pack myself to this extent, am i happy? i think i am but pple think i am not. i guess i just cant help it when theres so many things on my mind. but i really reckon that leading a term of this lifestyle would eventually be good? why not?

i realised i havent shared in a long time. and when i share i cant stop.

honeslty, a single dinner or suppper takes so much from me now. haha. i nearly gave up turning up todae to go home early to finish up on hw. i've got a KIV stack as high as a mountain i suppose. which normaly i'd be super secure to just heck it. but this time theres a research report that involves others. and i have to honour it. there r tons of things to settle basketball side. and of course. the never ending classes.

i called a friend to speak to for 30 mins. thats it. 30 mins. to just listen to a human voice. haa.

this is a pic that i love at the moment. someone told me today that i have to be super narcissistic and tell myself in front of the mirror everydae "i'm v handsome, i'm v handsome" i really hand it to the guy man. hahahhahha