in response

no response..
i am so overwhelmed.. i have no response. it has seeped slowly into this stage of awkwardness. its really hard to describe. i feel so close yet so far. in some sense, shamed by the words you've mentioned, in some sense killed by those words.

the feeling of condemnation, that provokes me to think that i'd really never find that special person. and i guess i'm not even finding that person, but more like finding myself in the process. i am that self centred .. maybe.

i am no less idealistic than you. i too believe in the fairy tale ending of everything, just that i doesnt happen to me, or more like i can't, i just don't have the ability to make that choice.

many of your words so perfectly describe the situation. i almost could feel you more reading you than talking to you on the phone. phone is awkward. phone is cold. phone is fakey.

i hesitate to call you now even tho i read those messages you sent me along the way 20000 times a day. to remind me of us. the goods and bads included. and when i see that message, i think i know how hurt you are.. it reminds me of your anger. it stops me from shamelessly calling you and act as tho nothing happened.

i miss you. i don't know how to say it, but i miss you.. its crazy.