Wednesday, January 28, 2009

understanding yourself

attempt to describe the word 'understand'. one of the meanings of 'understand' is 'to grasp the meaning'. Meaning you have to understand the meaning. another meaning of 'understand' is is 'to interpret in a number of possible ways'. means to understand the word 'understand' you have to understand that there is more than 1 understanding of anything you'd like to understand. meaning you have more than one meaning to anything you'd like to find the meaning of. to understand life, you have to find the meaning of life. to understand yourself you have to find the meaning of yourself. what do you mean by 'yourself'? you could ask the question to the questioner: what do you understand from the meaning of 'yourself'? 'yourself' means yourself. I understood this by attempting to find the meaning of what it means to be myself. what does it mean to be myself?

When we question this much, we think we understand the meaning. but i guess we get more confused. and give up someway. and when we revisit this issue, we think since we've given x hrs of thought to this. we understand the meaning of life. one of the greatest fallacies in life is in thinking that understanding of life if proportionate to age. at least thats what i think. sometimes i think the older i am, the more i understand. at other times, the older i am, i think i am more confused about life than when i didnt start thinking about it. my observation tells me, age is not proportionate to understanding. but rather, it is proportionate to belief. the older you are, the more ingrained your belief towards a subject matter is. meaning your understanding could be more true to facts, or more untrue. the intensity is higher, but nobody knows if its true or false. whats true?

the irony and cliche thing (at least it is cliche to me now) is often put this way: you will only attain true understanding when you understand that there are many answers/perspectives that can be offered. sometimes that sounds to me to be as good as not knowing anything. at others it entails meaning profound enough to make me 'feel' enlightened for a long moment. almost the kind of motivation for you to do anything after reading a self help book?!

any good essay according to my JC teacher entails a balancing argument. especially an argumemtative essay. also a good essay can never be complete without a good conclusion/ending. i dont know how to give the other side of the argument to a piece of writing that argues that: the only truth is when you understand that there is no 1 definitive stand, (which by the way is another major no no for essay writing according to the same person). i also have no major conclusion/ending for this.

i shall end here. because i have to go back and study 'strategy'.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Chinese New Year Revelations

Its kind of ironic how sometimes Chinese New Year, supposedly a time of reunion, makes you realise just how much meaning there is to this 'ritualistic' gathering. ritualistic or not, i guess its up to the family. and there is no guarantee that the family that thinks they are united, is in fact united. not naming names, i've got people who are in denial that their side of the family is intact and gathering well, while the one that seems to be heartless in times of need, actually, in my opinion, shows more family instincts, the whole sense of that word. i honestly wana silently boycott gatherings that seem ritualistic. gatherings that lose more meaning than if we were not to gather at all. who are we gathering for? why? for what? pardon me but i understand that there are politics involved in this thing. coupled with space constraints/ relationship problems etc. ie which brother or which sisters are not on talking terms with each other etc. sometimes i wonder if the solution to this is to have a smaller family with less siblings so that the permutations of possible conflict will greatly decrease. better still. no siblings, no slibling rivalry. no children, no inheritance problem. but i guess that also means no gathering haha. I once viewed this reunion dinner time on Eve on a sacred note. always wanting to be there til at least midnight to observe the tradition of staying awake for ur parents for them to live a long life. haha. this year i just felt so out of purpose for this practice, it made me wonder: why?
and I guess stress builds upon the fact that we all see each other again on the same day, some uncles/ aunties had a quarrel on new years day. haha. i can only laugh at the matter they are quarreling over. serious. and smart mummy: she booked a flight way before to China on a holiday. sounds gd. I support her going away for a short one. of course she just needed to sound like it was a well deserved trip for her. Mum always has this trump card of hers that if you do not do it her way, she'd just start sounding stressed up with all the things piling in her life. Even when she's technically not working now. i guess not working has its stressful parts as well. as i would understand it. since everyone else now thinks that you are damn free to run errands for them. to do all the non recurring things for them, which ironically is on a recurring basis. so i guess mum is valid. aha.
CNY is indeed a stressful time for any family i guess. simply because during this time of the year, we see each other more often than normal. which tilts the balance.
us 3 brothers see it all from an outsider's perspective. because we dont gana since we r not directly involved. Grandma kinda is neutral to anyone who didnt come out from her. this means the son in laws, the grandsons etc.
so well. all the bitchin aside. i guess i saw more of my brothers lately. not tt we dont see each other not tt often during normal days. just during this period its intensive. and yeah. i guess there still are things worth appreciating. like seeing my adorable younger sister start talking to me.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

in the lib

just a month ago, I was in the same lib. but the feeling was so different. i feel like i am sitting in starbucks listening to my music. it feels so good to have TIME. time to carry things you are supposed to do at a pace leisurely? i am not sure. i might not enjoy this for long. but i sure am enjoying the slowly mugging process rather than cramming everything at the end. in that sense i think studying can be fun. and i definitely have never experienced tt liking for studies. perhaps when i was doing japanese.... haha. or like when i AM doing japanese now. it feels so challenging to understand more and to know that what you are learning now is really going to benefit you. : )
i love studying. learning. to be more precise.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Forever Love

within the next 2 weeks, highly likely that I will listen to this song live, and perhaps only in the midst of that performance will i really understand its true meaning. I really love this song.

Forever Love

by X Japan

もう独りで歩けない
時代の風が強すぎて
ah 傷つくことなんて
慣れたはず だけど今は。。。

ah このまま抱きしめて
濡れたままの心を
変わり続けるこの時代に
変わらない愛があるなら

Will you hold my heart?
涙 受け止めて
もう壊れそうな All my heart

Forever Love Forever Dream
溢れる想いだけが
激しく せつなく 時間を埋め尽くす
Oh Tell me why

All I see is blue in my heart

Will you stay with me?
風が過ぎ去るまで
また 溢れ出す All my tears

Forever Love Forever Dream
このままそばにいて
夜明けに震える心を抱きしめて
Oh Stay with me

Ah 全てが終わればいい
終りのないこの夜に
Ah 失うものなんて
何もない 貴方だけ

Forever Love Forever Dream
このままそばにいて
夜明けに震える心を抱きしめて

Ah Will you stay with me
風が過ぎ去るまで
もう誰よりもぞばに

Forever Love Forever Dream
それ以上 歩けない
Oh Tell me why Oh Tell me true
教えて 生きる意味を

Forever Love Forever Dream
溢れる涙の中
輝く季節が 永遠に変わるまで
Forever Love