halloween night

I wonder if i'd still be celebrating halloween next yr. when work starts. perhaps. now i know why people dont like uncertainty. serious. i used to thrive on uncertainty. what happened? i need that certainty too. dont know why. my vision is in a slight blur. i guess i am tired, but i just cant put myself at home thinking tonight is halloween night and friends are out playing. haha. my carefree self might be a facade isnt it?

I forgot what I wanted to say

filled with emotions tonight, dont know where to start. by the time i got to here, i've a few frens who came over for a drink to listen me out etc. I think there is dire need to get my life back on trac. but I am procrastinating. I find it so tough. I am throwing all the emails on hold, claiming that I am too busy to reply, while I am procrastinating. I hate the idea of having emails to check at work, returning home to think that you finally have some time to yourself, but have your personal email and the mailbox to check. your whole life seemingly is to check those mails to see who has what in stall for you, and settling them. your whole life is on settling mode. actually the way I look at it, the need to find a good job, the need for a house etc are all socially created isnt it? once upon a time, we just survived. but why are we running in this race of modern life, seemingly living under better standards, but yet, life becomes someting about settling. abt making everything settled in place. if not you'd be deemed as not having lived properly. ok these are just whining.

losing the opportunity recently brought me back to the feeling of a certain pt of time in my life. when i was facing somecrossrds as well. the last time tt happened. i made decisions that susbsequently sort of like impacted my life. there are many tings in my life I can come to terms with, and thus at ease with. for the others, it is a life of remorse, regret etc. it blows my mind what regret can do to me. i've lived in that mode for such a long time. I can't take it anymore. a life of regrets.

come to senses

Am I aiming for the sky? Over confident?
But I know I could have made it. big drop in confidence level. ok. the fact that I still know.
at the crunch time, its not about anything else but yourself. and I fucked it up this time. I failed to perform in the area that I was supposed to perform. its like me not getting any points from my best moves in a basketball game. and it sure was a crucial match.

this is just great

this is just great. i should start emploring locking myself up for a month and experiment with sounds now. at least i get to see some light at the end of the tunnel of achieving something great. wow. ur hur. in a class that the prof is blabbering away on things that I am completely clueless about. not 1 not 2 but 3 modules that i am feeling this way this term. what is becoming of me.? i think I have to reflect now. my interviewer asked me about this today but gave me little chance to talk about my reflection. Its amazing

jap dramas always come during crunch time

its like when i am free i just wont think of watching. its always like studying time or something. its like one of those distractions like your kitchen at home.

yet it always captures me. in 1 way or another. nm the actor is Takuya Kimura or some onknown character. i think i have just grown to love jap drama in its raw form. no need the star pull factor. just plain storyline.

reminiscing moments

not even sure if i spelt it correctly. but as long as people understand.. it doenst bother me to get it all right. thats essentially me.

listening to some melodies in my com/ipod inevitably reminds me of times in Copenhagen/europe. i probably can tag this song to an image of me running along the man made lakes in Copenhagen city centre, while listening to my ipod, trying to capture every last moments i can of the city that i spent significant times in and will forever be a wonderful memory to keep. pretty sentimental, considering the many experiences i've had there, including running back after a late night out, cycling in the snow etc... each time, music kept me occupied, tagging those experiences to specific soundtracks with me. which will forever remind me of those moments. this is the wonder of Jay Chou isnt it. coz he can make you remember experiences, not because of his songs per se. Jay chou can make you remember a break up, a moment with a girl, a moment when you had to make a tough decision to leave someone, a song that you share with a girl, and so much more. he could even remind me of denmark, which i really have to give it to him.

coming back to the busy lifestyle in singapore, i wonder where i'd rather be. its really not tt clear cut. i know i have gotten over that post exchange syndrome long ago. once in a while. i think its the weather that determines many things. experiences that define culture, beaviour. i never the weather had such a huge impact til i was there.

friends too. i hope i can have another of such experience. from the bottom of my heart. just one more. and i'd be ready... for what i dont know. but ready to face everything.

studying endlessly always evokes emotions

for me at least.

which is why my mind wanders around when i am studying. which makes it really inefficient. i think i will give this one up man it seems. hai..

a while ago i looked thru my SMU email, in an attempt to clear mails. in it i saw many heartfelt emails from people. these are the emails that i save. and i even have folders. for example an LKC support grp folder, a basketball folder and what not. and coming back. i realised i was going to graduate from SMU soon. yes its still about 1.5 sememesters away, but i just feel, before i know it. i'm going to be gone soon. serious. i guess i wont say i feel a strong sense of belonging to SMU like i felt for JC or say dunman, but its a different feeling. one filled with more experiences rather deep ingrained friendships. and the experiences itself would prove to be worthy of rememberence i guess. but i guess in smu we are all so busy, maybe we'd only truly enjoy the frenship when we start working. i am making a big assumption here that we'd be slightly freeer when we work. which probably isnt true to start with. haiyo. this is life leh.

are my education days seeminly over? or am i destined to be a student my whole life? i like to ask overhwhelming questions. like "why cant we nationalise auditing"? since it fits well into the public good mould? or should it be paid by the investors? hm..

its 943. and i m not done with a single chapter. i am miserable.

familiar territory

somehow i find myself in a familiar position today. i remember last week sitting in almost the same position experiencing the exact same drag as I am today. somehow taking just 3 modules this term seems deceptively simple... it kills! the only difference this time, it is not AFA, but the also ever familiar tax module in SMU. my God. how did i even sound positive about picking accounting just earlier today? aha. and the biggest problem: i meant it. with all my heart. in this respect, i really agree with the old people's saying of work hard to be successful. work hard to be successful in your grades. you really have to be a mugger. first upper. what a dirty word.

AFA test

crunch time crunch time. its minutes away from a major test. seems major at least. i think for many of this term i am going to be grappling with this huge feeling of being a minor in class, of not having done my readings and therefore being sped past by the F1 like speed of how things are going on in class, yet still cope with this sense of self worth(lessness) to know that all is fine. this is the feeling of knowing that you are slowly deteriorating in school and school definitely is not the best place for you to be anymore. you feel placed behind by society so much that its time to leave this pond. you hope in your heart that there are other places where you can seemngly perform, thus finding back your self worth by feeling important in an organisation and being amongst the top performers in that league. but what league are we talking about? if you do not compete with the best is it any worth competing? i think so i guess.

the spirit of the games are such that.

grappling with so many things in life has cast a spell on me to be indifferent. to many things in fact. can we really lead life in this way? by having seasons of being busy and stuff and hoping that you will then have the life later to enjoy it back. I suspect it isnt that simple.

someone just told me really recently: since i've always been a strong advocator of good worklife balance, am i having any worklife balance now? i used to be able to justify that it is working for a future cause of being able to find a good job so that i have more choices to eventually get me te worklife balance. but essential the same argument is the one i am using against many for giving their life away. it is just a matter of the time horizon.

have i transitted somewhere? or do i just