friday

its a friday night. and i am looking desperately for a companion to.. i don't know. catch a show? because i know that the next few days will be another chase of crazy submissions and assignments and then after that will be exams already. gdness. i cant see the next night wherre i will be free for even coffee or anything. i tink this hols is the key if i ever wana get my life in smu straight. if not i see myself being a hamster on a spinning wheel. many would say such deep reflection is good. i question.
perhaps i am a loner? i have no friends. or is it the case where i have too many friends? or is it nobody has friends in uni anyway? hi bye friends?
and the number of people who told me no to a show tonight is like wow. i am just short of whining or begging people to freakin watch a show with me! i need a break. i think not so much from things.. but people. more like their rejections? i dont take rejections well cause i seldom gana rejected? i'm not so sure about that.. haha. but i find i have lost that man.
gana rejected more and more man. haha. gotta learn to take rejection. either that or i gotta work on charm/persuasiveness... man.
i finally got to see the face of the guy Sharlene is kinda like dating.. and i find myself really sore about it. girls seem to be able to find exeptionally handsome guys after me. any girls wana try? i can guarantee that. i'm just short of posting that picture up.
how happenening.
friday nights seems so sad nowadays.

rat races and approvals

i was staying at my pastor's house last night. yes. my pastor's house. dont sound shocked. he's a young PE teacher teaching at St Gabs, where i followed him the next morning to do the last round of community service for my Leadership and Team building project. you know when i mention this friends always give me the same look. as if like how can a person like me get so close with some one named 'Pastor'. or as if my pastor is gay that i stay over. haha. sorry ah yong howe.

aniwae. i am doing this again. we were just talking about doing urgent things that are not important. classic example: bloggin. i cant resist the temptation of not writing it down for the fear of losing that beautiful thought in my mind. yet i've got tons of other more important things to do! like going to see a doctor and studying for my test tmr! yet i am doing this at 730 pm, sitting across the rain alone in school. what tranquility of mind? i beg to differ. more like a getaway where i face myself away from the crowd.

we were talking over teh alia and teh tarik at around midnight. isnt this the life i've been looking forward to? huh wil? haha. shared abt my mum. shared abt learning to say 'no'. he always says that this is my strength and my weakness.

hours later we talked over breakfast (yes!!now you see an eating generation dont you?) and just had good time sharing aout anthing under the sun. hours later shared over lunch.. (ok stop eating!!!) and we shared abt the church, me being the devil's advocate, providing interesting perspectives blah blah blah. whats my point? is there a value in being upfront? can anyone ever be upfront and not be misunderstood? my fear is that if i just take this to a perfectly transparent level, it'd be offending many pple who are already framed themselves. just like how some pple judged me when i posed questions in class. i am fortunate that at least i think the majority of 'rationale' people would think that i was genuine. and indeed i am. i am upfront, thats me.

journal on the go?

was on the way back from sch and had a companion back. rachel. had a short but sincere talk with her about her we both feel about our grp of friends in sch. no gossips, but just observation talks. i realise it is the time when people start to reflect about poeple? after 2 terms and a mega event, i guess we are all exposed enough to kinda like evaluate on each other? i wonder if we would still behave the way we would if we know better the rules of the game of life. i wonder if people who do others a favour are people who are in a way more far sighted? someone once said that we should all accumulate our goodwill accounts to others. yah i remember now. cialdini!!! because people are more likely to say yes when you have done a personal favour to them. of course not with the intention of getting a favour in return, but rather a sincere heart.
my sincerity was doubted recently when i posted questions during a presentation session.

when was the last time you did something for the first time?

既然是这样。。

让我来想一想怎么让每个人读了都不知道我在写什么。

有人对我说了这样的一句话。‘我们来聊聊一个贴心的话题。我们的妈。'

thats the look...

attention deficiency syndrome

villagers, i am down with a serious illness. i may not be around anymore in time to come. you'd better see me while you can. theres not much time now...

thats probably the official definition of ADS

during this month of aloneness i think i've really contracted this disease... it was tough not getting beeps from ur handphone in the day.. tough looking at it to check for msgs just to realise that u r doing it for nothing at all?

in sch on a saturday morning.. wat the... perhaps just a discipline for me to wake up ealy enough in the morning to use the computer and BLOG!

finally?

there is more than just one thing on my 'before i forget' list. and they constantly go round n round in my mind. it is 138 am in the morning, and i;ve gt a make up class tmr at 9 am. but i had tomyam noodles just 20 mins ago.. cant really sleep yet. stomachs making funny noises. i think at the rate i am eating, there'd be a hole in my stomach soon. remind me of a movie poster, ithink its dams family values or something. someone holding a candle thru the hole of anothers stomach.

if you are reading this sharlene: this blog is dedicated to you. i've tried to refrain from talking about u here. i dont know y. but not todae.


why is love such a problem all my frens seem to have problems fr it?






she told me she dreamt of me giving her a surprise in her kitchen.. and she missed that feeling all so much.

Shar, thanks for the memories.. i really have to move on from u. i have disappointed u with my insensitivity. so have u with your actions.

before i forget.

as we get older

as we get older.....

i've got this 'prophecy', 'theory', whatever you call it, that as people grow old, their skin becomes numb-er than when they were young. both physically and mentally. we just grow more immune to things, just like the way our body's immune system works. remember when we were young, when we hit our legs against the table by accident, i remember that the feeling was really excruciating pain!! but nowadaes we seem to hit our elbows against almost anything, but feel nothing.

i also remember myself just sitting at a corner of a restaurent while my parents were doing things like entertaining guests, or when i was sitting at the rear seat of my dad's car.. i remember those times being times of random but concentrated obervation of my surroundings. i seem to remember each name that i came across, each detail at home. from whether theres still milk in the fridge to how many cans of campbells soup was kept in the drawer. i seem to be able to remember details.

but now i cant seem to remember a thing!! i just forgot that i havent finished the pink dolphin that i bought to finance class!! what the. and i need tools to help mi remember my schedule. i tell u. i dont know my life without that book man.

and i suspect that thats going to cost me so much in the long run!! whats business? i think business rewards the best observers in the world. think abt it... : if you have a perfect feel of what the world is like, you dont need surveys, you dont need to hire people to market your product. you'd know what people are feeling. you can even predict what people will WANT!!! demand!!! i pride myself for having a relatively good sense of what the world ard mi is like? in more than 1 facet of life in spore.

how do you know that? u probaby get a good feel of yourself when most people agree with what you sae? like when you sae something is nice, most people would think that that thing looks pretty pleasant too? i'm not so sure.

been doing very badly for tests lately. i wondered when did i start having pride in my work one.. coz i remember when i was dunman high, sec 2 i was doing pretty badly. so i thought that hey, perhaps dunman high was a gd school so its normal to be an average student. so i din really bother about why i did badly and stuff. but suddenly my grades had a big turn in sec 3. it became really gd suddenly. i din put in special effort for that. it just came. fortunate huh. but well, now everyone seems to care so much abt grades coz they noe that the corelation between grades and money earned have never been more significant in our lives. the marginal cost of not doing well is much higher now than in sec sch or jc!!! my gdness. i wonder if publishing like this would spoil market. but well. its so obvious aniwae.

but come on. society is like what. it doesnt reward people with the best ideas. it rewards those who CAN COMMUNICATE other peoples brilliant ideas isnt it? communicate. overused word. overrated. abused.

in a snapshot

outer looks and inner shoutings.

my blogs are never an avenue to share my delights in life. its more of a place where i dump all the burdens in life. i wish my mum reads my blog.

i normally share my happiness with friends, seek personal assurance by telling them about my 'achievements'. i like it when people look up to me, when they have the look in their eyes that they wana be like me? wateva.

lately i have been trying to be what i am not.

was jus back an hr ago from picking up my mum from the airport. everytime she comes back from a week's trip to Chengdu, she never fails to bring back tons of clothes. before i could even wear them, she'd be back from the next trip.. out of which i'd probably really wear like 1 or 2 pieces of them ecoz they just look really bad. its one of those appreciation showing sessions again. wearing what your mum bought for you to make her happy? i m not so sure abt that. i bought a piece for my grandma when i was in shanghai. it makes me happy to see that she likes it and really wears it!! so i guess it works.

what really pains me is that when i leave mum for upstairs, i cant display what i wana display, but have to show her a son that shes proud of? a son that has taken care of himself well? the worse part abt life, is leaving her showing that i am fine and all, but crying on the inside that i really do not wana go up?

it reminds me of a scene in 'AI'. when young boy (i forgot his name) had one last day to spend with his mum, and at the end, just like any routine day mum gets sleepy and he wants to pat her to sleep like routine but his heart is crying out? yet he has to show that he totally enjoyed the last day with mummy? what unfailing love.

sometimes i seek to be that robot who can show unfailing love to his mum? i feel bought over.. like packed in a box that says: filial son, will not leave you even if you abandon him.

few who can read me.

we tend to think its tough to understand people who dun open up?

tired, unwanted, lonely, attention deficient syndrome, not alone but lonely, jianfeng

overwhelming feeling of unwantedness..

爱我还是他

爱我还是他
黑暗中的我们都没有说话 一直想回家 不想你回家寂寞深的像海太让人害怕 温柔你的手轻轻揉著我的发 你的媚颜说你渴望我拥抱你身体却在拼命逃 等欲望在燃烧你爱我还是他 是不是真的他有比我好你为谁在挣扎
你爱我还是他就说出你所说的真心话
你到底要跟我还是他
爱 爱 爱她 这是不是命运对我的惩罚 爱你也没办法 恨你也没办法陷在这个漩涡只想挣脱它拉住你的手却让我也被拖下 你的眉眼说你不渴望我拥抱每当爱变成了煎熬 你就开始要逃
你爱我还是他 是不是我可以做他的好为谁在挣扎
你爱我还是他 我宁愿听到残忍的回答
也不要再被耍你爱我还是他我为你找了一百个理由我就是那么傻 爱我还是他是否沉默代替你的回答我应该明白吗
爱我是他噢你都已看不到我们的好 我还会心牵挂
你爱我还是他是否沉默就是你的回答我们都别挣扎去爱他

st gabriel's reflections

2 mar 06

as part of my morning thoughts after being in VJC yesterday and in st gabriels sec sch this morning. was just observing behavioural attitudes of students when they are in school.

wow. i din noe it was like this.

observation 1: the lower sec boys would open up their books b4 flag riasing and sit down at where they r supposed to sit. the upper sec boys would gather in groups to talk about anything in the world. seems like peer infuence is much more rampant in upper sec than lower sec.

observation 2: they've got morning silent reading periods where they are required to sit down and read for about 15 to 20 mins at the parade sq. i suspect this period is for the teachers to take attendance more than for them to read. perhaps a little biased view huh. haha.

obersvation 3: some students were made to stand up. i wonder if its coz they din bring their books or somehting.

obs 4: express students are much qieter than normal students!! they listen more.. but still they r excited.. facis r quiet. leave it to lily. too many pple in class not condusive. haah. use of chim words perhaps the guys dun listen coz they dun understand.

obs 5: wat do you leanr thry flag day: sporeean all stingy. see u run away.