2 nights in a row, i've had this feeling. its the feeling of having half an empty stomach at night. today was coz i had early dinner. and no worries abt this usually coz.. i dont know. last night i went down to eat supper alone, a very utility-driven approach of going down, buying someting and chop chop eat alone. i experienced a fat cat sitting on the chair beside me, sleeping, with dozens of other uncles watching chelsea play burnley i think. and i realised how lonely i was. and i realised how the world including that cat could walk by me tt night and not know that i was there. i dont think i need the whole world to, but i havent done this in a long time. eating alone. eating for the sake of eating. i think i have to deal with it, because in japan i am dead sure i'd be doing tt most of the time. eating alone in my dorm canteen etc. and last night triggered this downward spiral of that emotional self pity... a moment ago, i went to the kitchen, half deciding on whether to cook that packet of instant noodles, or going downstairs and pay $4 for liek a bowl of noodles. honestly it was a hard decision. so difficult i relegated to coming back to my rm and type this. and i am still hungry... and lonely.
i dont wana call dad to get me out to eat, i dont wana call my bro. i dont wana call anyone. i'm done. at the same time, i was talking on msn with 1 or 2 frens, yet eager to not show them that i am overly enthusiastic about replying so as to hide my loneliness. this is pathetic.
this as it seems, shows just how fragile my life is. once upon a time, its like we had a number of layers of frens family etc. when 1 crumbles, the rest follow. they dont fail u, you fail them because u hide in own shell and wait for the world to come notice.
dont get wrong. nothing abt this is abt transition. i'm not in depression mode coz i am leaving SG and going to miss everything here. in many sense of the word, i cant wait to leave. there is no explanation to this and i hope there wont be any attempt, because i dont like how pple like to find patterns in things in order to aid their explaining of it. we r not comfortable living amonsgst things we dont have an explanation for, therefore we find explanations to everything possible, even if deep down we do know tt some of these are totally nonsense. and you know wats scarier? its when we dont even realise that some of our explanations are flawed. maybe we are brought in such a way that as long as it sounds logical, it must be THE reason. and to me thats scarier than not knowing the answer.
i can type for hours here but my mind works way faster than i can type. i can never accurately depict how i feel on my blog, because:
1. i only blog when i am sad.
2. i blog randomly and there simply isnt enough time to express evberything i wana say.
3. i forget my thoughts.
