this is a story about xiao hei and xiao bai

right about 8 months ago, on new year's eve, 31 dec 09, i first saw xiao hei and xiao bai. it was in a hotel room and during that time they were so young, they had to be fed by hand, using a powder mixture and warm water. it was like caring for babies. we scurried to give them names knowing that we also had limited time and thus the very cliche and simple names black and white. the next morning, i found myself left behind on a very cold new year's day shinjuku morning, holding a cage with them in it, and not knowing what to do. I had to walk thru the underpasses so as not to allow them to freeze to death on the very low morning temperatures. i finally lug them thru the gantries of the metro, not even knowing if it was allowed but i figured if i covered them with a towel it should be ok. after about 1.5 hours of travelling and walking, i finally arrived home with the birds. They changed my life. Once someone who went out and stayed out til the morning drinking and stuff, they provided a lot more motivation to come home and feed them. they helped me develop a routine of waking up slightly earlier, to refill their water, food and stuff. they taught me the patience of knowing that they would poop everywhere but still wanting to let them out to fly everyday or so... most importantly they taught me about love.
having people or pets who are part and parcel of your life, u learn to live together with them. its really like having kids i guess. seeing them, poop everywhere, talking to them, letting them out while u make coffee in the morning... sometimes they even make coffee with me, sitting on my shoulders anticipating the coffee as much as i do, or like i see them in the mirror while brushing my teeth. they seem to particularly like certain spots in the room and so yea.. my shoulders are one of them. one of the pooping hot spots.
one day back, i found this mysterious rock like thing in the cage, and it turned out to be an egg! they're both supposed to be male birds but i guess whoever sold it must have made a mistake. so then started their mating season and mum started to be real agitated over small things. sometimes she would fight with xiao hei and sometimes its so intense they look like they're trying to kill each other. during those times i had to open the cage and let one of them out so that at least xiao hei could run for his life if under attack. however, each time I come back home, they'd be nicely tucked back into their cage, sitting on their eggs together even tho the cage is open! this is love isnt it.
sometimes, it would take a really long time for papa to try to convince mama to let him back into the cage. he would circle the cage, chirp at her etc, only to find her flapping her wings and threaten to kill him again... but he never gives up. each time he's wounded by her, he'd tuck away in his corner for a while, and start heading back.. flying back and forth..
my observations of them have really made my time in tokyo so much more meaningful and interesting. but as everything else, there's always a time to say good bye. i believe that their lives will be so much more enriched even if its a shorter time out there in nature. I believe that birds are not meant to be kept in cages.
Goodbye my little creatures. have a good life.

back to the beginnings

as i pack the last of my stuffs and reflect on the past 2 days where i have been home instead of saying my final farewells to the friends i made here, i realised my life is defined by boxes. as if the number of boxes i can shrink my life into defines how nomadic I can be, how willing i am to let go of things and so on. i've been used to reducing my life to boxes all my life.

as i bid my last goodbye to the place that has housed me for slightly less than a yr, i bid goodbye to other things like my birds who's been with me for over 8 months. time seems to fly and i wonder if having children would be the same feeling of time flying by and suddenly they all grow up and stuff.

sights and sounds of my time here really is one of those japanese kind of experience you'd see in dramas. i am already used to the 12 noon chimes of the schools in my neighbourhood, the 830pm disney fireworks that I could hear but not see, the occasional silhouette view of mt fuji in the distance that faces me when i turn my head right as i type away on my computer, cycling to the nearby supermarket and developing a sort of routine of what to buy and of course the occasional treats of sashimi or seasonal stuff like fresh oysters... not to mention the canteen staff whom i see everyday who always give me this look like where i am from and stuff. not to forget the onsen which is within cycling distance.. life here has drawn to a close, of course I still have a buddy here whom I can proudly say that I'd visit every once in a while, or for supper like usual. haha. Shinurayasu has been really great. And I probably am about ready to embark on the next stage of life in japan.

Ittekimasu. (meaning farewell, but we'll meet again).

Dido-Thank you

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel and
all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and
I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

What if God was one of us?

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
And yeah yeah God is great yeah yeah God is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

been wanting to blog

job hunting has got to be one of the times you really get to discover yourself because it is so so so mental. while waiting for a final call from this certain company, you obviously have to continue to pick it up and find other options because its all about options. no matter how confident you are of it. today i got another news from this other company that I wanted very to be part of and i see it as one of the few options that could really rescue me from my situation now and put me in tokyo with a meaningful purpose.

looking at my birds, i've always had different inspirations from observing them. they've been alternating between fighting and being loving that I've been leaving the cage open in such a way that when they try to kill each other, one of them can fly out. but each time i leave it open, of course i leave myself the job of cleaning their shit around my room, which I have really grown accustomed to. anyway, regarding that, each time i leave them out, when i come back after some hours, I find them lovingly tucked in the cage with its top open, as if telling me that they eventually choose to be close to each other and sit on the eggs in show of their love. birds are like humans.

at other times, when i just look at them trying so hard, being just as a bird should, being responsible for in such a disciplined way to hatch their eggs, I get strength from them to work hard towards what I want too. there are so many things that I tell myself these days. but telling myself is easy, having that faith to keep up with it is another thing.

these are the things that i tell myself:

I already know whats at the end of this. and that is that I would be in Japan. its just which way I choose to go there, and the process. so this is just about the process and how I embrace it and enjoy it. its not easy, but neither is it impossible.

I have defied all odds not once but many times. I am used to accomplishing seemingly difficult to accomplish things. I am used to a life with such ups and downs. I know what it takes to be a winner.

having been watching dramas again, 2 things that came to my mind.

1. I'd love to have a father who speaks meaning into my life with few words. like those in the drama. haha.

2. the other general theme in most japanese dramas for love to work out is that you have to stay near each other for there to be tons of times to meet each other coincidentally, like at an okonomiyaki restaurent nearby, at the dry cleaning store, at a ramen store etc. which is bullshit in tokyo's context.