life defining moments

you know how sometimes there are things are redefines the way you look at life once again. like you always thought you were an extrovert and suddenly you discover this real deep side of you that says that you have been hiding all your life. and things start crashing down on you coz your fundamental beliefs of who you are just comes crashing down on you.

things will never be the same after. i always pride myself for being an upfront person, thinking it really empowers me to have quite some self control. i always pride myself for being a people's person and thus have quite a number of close frens. today, that belief is gone. i guess i've gotta reexplore this meaning of being a true fren. as theres no coincidence to why i could convince myself that i am indeed close to many frens, i really have wondered if all of these frens are really close to me. yes i could feel the genuineness when someone tells me he/she feels really close to me and stuff. but i start to wonder isnt there elements of girlish wants of exclusivity in all of us? that if my 'best' friend is spending more time with his this other friend, it might be a one sided friendship? i've always needed this kind of understanding from people who treat me as their best friends or at least close friends. i guess i need to redefine their feelings towards me. i always thought that there'd be understanding and i assumed that people treated me like 100% friends.

i've always been known to be diplomatic, knowing what words to say at what time. someone just told me today that because i am so diplomatic, he doesnt know when exactly i am true. almost sounds like i'm putting on a mask all my life. and i start to wonder, i've always been true to myself, but what if i've been lying to myself all along? i've had track records of cheating money, cheating on feelings, and each time i felt so bad after that.. perhaps i've really crossed the line this time i dont even know. perhaps i felt that i have been true to myself but i havent all these while. how would i know? i could show that i am upfront here in my blog, i dun even worry that the parties involved would read this., but have i been wrong? have i been putting on this false front to gain people's trust? to be very honest i really dont know. and i dun think anyone would ever know this deep about themselves. yes, we could say we are true to ourselves and settle as that. but what if theres something deeper?

this has always been something i've believed in. on one look its perfectly normal isnt it? but going deeper is it basketball that i am pationate about or is it just something that i am gd at that i am anchoring myself to? is it the love of the game or is it the love of self glorification during the game that i am looking for? people do more of the things they are gd at isnt it? have i gone past that stage of self-glorification? apparently to some i havent loh. i guess i havent. not so noble.

will i ever bounce back? i guess not you know. i think not this time. i'm trying very hard not to let all the self-pity bounce back in, its tough. when we look back at how we are brought up and try to link factors of our behaviour now to then, futile exercise.

sometimes i think things just happen. for no reason, sometimes the reason gets so murky you cant even get past urself. you dont even know what exactly you are thinking. i think i could manipulate my words so much that i even deceive myself. wonderful. i'm like so good at this: when people misundestand you, just listen first. dun try to explain urself. just try to listen first. do rebut others. just listen first. and then? after listening? i walked away from todays session not feeling wronged but feeling disappointed lah. i guess i understand the feeling when people say they are not disappointed at others but themselves. not that theres anything i can change. sometimes i really admire the image of Jay Chou. i think to be a celebrity, should be like him lah. i'm the kind who talks a lot. who tries to make a lot of sense. he's the kind who just do it. no need to sae a thing. i wonder how he copes when people wrong him.

i look at what i am doing and can't help but ask. am i living my life the way i want it? what kind of life do i want anyway?

seems like the kind of life where i gallop away in the pastures and mountain fields and i sit down once in a while and give thanks to God for all his creations would be great. that i would just pass everybody by and remember them as they best are would be gd too. i for one am someone who treasures memories. the memories with the Vietnam boys and girls, the memories i have in Taiwan, Japan, blah blah blah. are best, perhaps coz they dun live to the expectations you would have if time were to continue. then again.

i've got 6 windows on msn....

but none of them seem to be a friend. ok. i admit that i am exaggerating. one was asking me about a test he was going to have comin fri which i took on mon. i mentioned minimally, not compromising any integrity. the last i said tt, he said "oh wow, that was really helpful" in a sarcastic way. our window had nothing more as soon as i said my last "clue". is this business sch phenomena?





i've got another one who said this "i dun usually f$*k people on msn, so we'll talk after exams"


this was my reply "then you'd better give me a f%&king good wake up call"





rough night.





frenship is so fragile sometimes huh dun u agree? i for one am not sure if my frenships were the result of others' efforts on me or the other way round. had dinner tonight with lee teng and budt. this seems to be my effort huh. i even told shiro "aiya, my exams heck lah. u come then sae." seems like i am prepared to prepare early for exams this yr.





so how've have everybody been? i wonder.

i'm feeling like the t shirt now. our camp t shirt for yr end camp. nice huh. how apt. just like the way we feel now i guess. lost sheep. i know this'd def make some heads turn and make some eyes roll.

on hindsight, there are things to be happy abt too lah. recently reformatted my com, its working like a ferari now. with nice window fonts and stuff. pretty much customized to the way i want it to be.

reformatting

someone commented that i havent been blogging for a while. i wonder if the need to blog comes from moments of surges in emotions. and that might just explain why i havent been blogging lately. maebe my life is too mellow to allow me to blog. i wun have anything to sae anyway.
or maybe the need to blog comes from a need to release sadness. this is so deja vu man. i seem to have written this exact same thing like a yr ago when my emotions were less fluctuating?
ok. i guess i have stg to blog abt now. my lappie is kiling me man. looking at it struggling to even start up, i feel like putting it to sleep forever and lessen its pain. yet i need it so much that i cant afford letting it sit in the laptop "doctors' for a half day. ever felt tt your car needs servicing but you cant let it coz ur sched is so tight and u need to go to places to much that you cant send it to the garage?
i suspect that chinese in Singapore is made up of 20% english speaking ones and 80% mandarin speaking ones. but perhaps amongst the so called higher educated echelon, the ratio is more towards 40-60 or so. at least for the top 5 jcs, 3 of them are dominated by predominantly eanglish speaking people? and another one being somewhere of a hybrid one. so i suspect that we are all clouded with the illusion that there are more and more english speaking people around. i suspect that to Excel in selling anything at all in Singapore, it is still trying to sell it to th heartland Ah mas and aunties that helps. oh its bugis already. by the time i got this thing starting, it was already eunos man. hai. ok. other times ahead. studying night.

so what's the moral of the story

when do people say that phrase?

when they think that the audience doesnt understand what they are talking about.

so whats the moral of this story?

this is so confusing

worshipping God has to be intentional
the act of surrendering to God means leaving doing the things to your best and leaving the rest to him, which equates to things being incidental?

to do well in life, daily trainings has to be intentional
to do well in life, we have to sometimes learn to let go, incidental?

this is getting sick: which part of this man does anyone think i look like?
hahahha

stum stum dum

korean drama is indeed taking over in Singapore man. but i just fall asleep on goong...
as of this moment my elder brother is actually in Korea doing his what he call his Korean Drama trip in Korea. haha. he's going to visit all the places that we watched in the dramas. just to name a few he's going to the 'full house' in full house. he also went to the palace in goong.