Friday, April 17, 2009

halfway mark

this is like the point at which you make a turn during the marathon. the 21 km mark and you suddenly turn around and embrace yourself, kinda psychoing yourself that you've done half, and the image of a half empty half filled cup comes to you. you try to psycho yourself to focus on it being half filled... but inevitably, every moment you feel that tinkling discomfort from this constant pace of pounding on your knees and ankles, you just can't help not thinking about the other empty half of it... you've suffered x hours yet its just halfway thru.

sad to say: i'm not really feeling that way. obviously the efforts in studying the remaining papers are assymmetrical.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

crunch time

come crunch time, its always the time with most thoughts. obviously not a very productive time to be emo momo and wild in your thoughts, but its times like this that i guess sets you thinking and questioning since life is kinda pain. haha. this time round, my worry surfaced, about not feeling the pressure early enough and by the time i realised how much time i really had, its really pretty much very very late. i'm starting to see many things requiring me to do now and of course that has kinda set me up slightly on biaing for the day, but well we'll see. pressure obviously also came in the form of the pressure to perform... its like basketball. if you've devoted an entire season training hard, then the game is for you to lose. if you went in with a nothing to lose attitude then yeah i guess the pressure is off. of course in the end its gotta be a combination of both. you dont wana overpressure urself on the need to perform, yet its not a nothing to lose situation. you just have to come at ease with yourself about what is this thing all about to you. i for one have trememdously shifted my attention away to focus on how enjoyable the process has been. and i'd gladly admit that this term i really enjoyed studying in itself. never mind the pressure from tests and stuff. but studying in itself was enjoyable, not to mention the 'high morale' when you think you've got it and seem like you understand, and of course the self efficacy you get when you know that you played a significant role in championing group efforts which otherwise would have been different without you. of course its not been a perfect season, like how i am fooling myself that lakers are still the team to watch. much as i'd like Kobe as MVP, its not him. all i can really hope for now is that they'd peak at the right time, the same that i'd peak at the right time with adrenaline to be my best during the exams. after it, i can suck at studying for all i care, because after that all the competency i need is on partying!
make sure i am at my best during the right timings and everything will be fine. thats all for now. the NBA playoffs are starting very soon and so are my playoffs. i've got a grueling road trip ahead of me, with back to back games, in fact 2 games in a day and after tt, no one's gonna enjoy my postseason coz i'm going to enjoy my NBA postseason intensity! I think i'd blog a week after the end of my exams and say the same shit i said last semester: i seem busier after exams than during exams. you know me.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

music

the value of a song comes big to me on the timing at which i listen to it.
i'd pay a good price for a music player that could read my mood and play songs according to my mood. that's why we need playlists and DJs.

Strange and beautiful

I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

an unusual morning

wow. on the train with uniform clad students. cept that they're going to school but i'm going home from a long night of studying in school haha.
i walked out of school in the dimly lit morning light.. feels like going for morning classes in sec sch or primary school. one of those mornigns where i go to class earlier than usual. usually its like the first day of school where there is still quite some excitement about school. of course after that it dies down and its all downhill from there haha.
anyway, the gist of saying this is: as i was rushing towards the green light that only lights for a brisk moment of 26 seconds or so, with my bag and doing a brisk march with that, it reminded my of a time when i had to run extensively with a bag. during army. and it reminded me of my ranger course. a look into the sky reminded me of how i used to just look at the sky and wonder why i was doing wat i was doing in those times. and i guess i've never been as close to the sky as then, as close to a higher being beyond our comprehension. but i just spoke extensively to Him. maybe true enough, there was a Need for Him. maybe its just that i was closer to Nature. closer to the world as it was intended to be. rather than the many other synthetically created wants/needs/ stuff that we deal with everyday in our lives. i dont need to name them do i?
and well, i remember those skies. probably those times latest into the nights, when you are able to see the clearest skies. and of course without the light pollution in the city, which allows you to really see. its such a revelation that less light lets you see so much more.
its such a joy typing away now. but its nearing my station already. the half an hour journey suddenly become so short. perhaps i can blog my way through in japan.
probably ties in with my recent facination with oldies, or maybe songs that we used to hear a lot. haha.
i miss those schooling days. boy oh boy. i think i will miss SMU.
i think life is just this accumulation of experiences. yes. duh. everyone knows that. but i think its more than that. its the moment when you look back and reminisce about it that makes it so valuable. this is the way it should be. this is the way it should be.
that we feel this bitter sweet that we once experienced it. but find that its hard to experience it again. its this bitter sweet that defines life to me. you know the feeling of liking a song and not remembering it, but when it comes back somehow and you hear it again, and find it and sorta try to capture it by keeping it in your itunes or something. its that feeling. or perhaps even more accurately, when you hear your once favourite tune on the radio. and just enjoy that moment. knowing that you cant really capture it somewhere. knowing it will end. but just enjoying everymoment of it while its still playing. that's life i think.
today i was walking back home from the train station, and listening to the right songs, walking with the right mood just allowed you to experience and observe things that you just whiz by everyday. out of the train door, i trodded down the stairs, walked in between people. there there was, a little TV screen that was showing trailers of a new chick flick called 17 once more or something. and i just thought: created media like this essentially means nothing dont they? but then again, a great movie like Forest Gump to me, could have an impact that could be unfathomable. and so i stopped briefly to think about movies. as i was doing so, there were already hords of school children walking towards a nearby sec sch with their same coloured uniform. along the way, with the company of my music, i looked up at the building of the shopping mall and it stood serene, with the morning birds flying past. i immediately thought: i should pen this down before i forget it man! and then i thought: i could whip out a pen and paper, and start writing away. but that would compromise on the experience isnt it? i could attempt to remember the experience, but whatever i write here definitely cant do justice to that moment i was trying to describe isnt it? i could pen down every single moment of my life, but if i spend my life penning down my experiences, my experiences would only consist of those moments in that study room isnt it? i go for the experience. in a way selfish that i am keeping it all to myself and not passing down any form of written legacy to the 'next' generation. not that anyone would really wana read these crap in the first place.
i walked by and suddenly the smell of freshly baked bread come into my nose and it felt good, tho shortlived. it was a morning that i hadnt experienced for a long while as a uni student.
as i was walking home, the song that fitted nicely into that surrounding experience came to an end. i hurriedly scurried for another song that could at least be of close substitute. but by then, it was gone. now isnt this life?
there's so much that i could write.

Friday, April 03, 2009

sorta a great wrap up

offiicially the last day in sch. had lots of fun and booze and all. sorta like just wana reminsice those moments in sch.. sorta like the last time we are doing everything. walking thru the councourse, gettting a drink in sch with the student discount... etc.

SMU has i guess, shaped me in ways unfathomable by my mind to comprehend but yet it is able to let me articulate about it, ways in which i will remember for a long time to come. yes, we can bitch about it like 90% of the time, about the workload, about this and that. but pls just humour me with the the remembrance of these amazing times i had. coupled with the fact that each time i graduated from JC and sec sch etc, i just felt, if i had the chance to relive those moments, i would have attempted to appreciate my sch life a little bit more. in the same way, i'm in the library now, typing this long story about how my night has been going on. typing on the keyboard hard enough for my friends in the library to sorta like wonder why is this semi drunk dude typing on his keyboard so hard.

and thats beeen the 2nd half of my SMU life thus far. many nights of working relatively hard compared to my usual work load, and then just seeking that level of comfort to sorta like comfort myself that i still have like a life in the form of like drinking in the school bar and sorta like talking to different pple here and there and seem like i have made my dues in school such that i would have a decent conversation with anyone and everyone in school. matter of fact is i am just typing this out with some friends seemingly oblivious to my queer behaviour in school right now. and my sms is ringing every now and then.

thats it? my smu life. ?

i'm still in the fucking lib tho. tats open for 24 fucking hours this period.