妈咪，我学乖了

妈咪，我以后再也不敢临时抱佛脚了。我这次学乖了。下一个学期我会好好用工读书，不要再沦落到像这一次，到最后是我自己受苦而已。竟然需要过了这么多载才体会到这样子的痛苦，我好像一生都没什么读书吧？我真的不喜欢被强迫度我不喜欢读的科目。 这是为了什么？不能说服自己，我很难咬紧牙根毫不质疑地去做我觉得没有意义的是。

总而言之，下个学期希望不会太迟。

hitori de benkyo suru..

i hate this feeling.. of facing an unknown circumstance alone. of facing something i have no efficacy of solving alone.. i felt this when i was in Brunei building my shelter and then it suddenly collapsed.

diaries that you really go back and read

you know how you blog and forget about it? tell me how many times have you went back to read your blogs? thats coz your blog is full of rubbish which is simply info overload. it'd take as long to reread the blog as to write them. so what for? most of the time its an avenue of letting go of your tots. but for some kinds of diaries, you really go back and read them dont you?

i just read one of my journals. in the midst of my exam, i really dont know how to write the word death.. haha. but well, that journal was my journal when i was in ranger course. the words were so few, but it really brought me back to some of the moments in those times. and everyday is an adventure in itself. so fruitful that i honestly cant rem all of them, coz its really can do everything. but i was reminded of some of the activities. AMAZING!

it is diaries like this that are worth going back to read. not some bo liao love story where both parties emo emo and stuff. but things like tt that are meaningful to go back and see how you've grown in that process and to remind you how amazing you have chosen your life to be. in the last 6 to 8 years of my life, every yr has been an amazing yr. starting from JC to army to uni. every yr has something in its highlights to boast about. i think this is my life. an accumulation of stories that i could tell. and obviously not the stories to tell about studying like times likie this. my God!@@@@ i hate studying. serious. i like the peripherals of studying for example CCA, knowing new people, hanging out together etc. but not studying in itself. seems like nowadays there are people who like studying for the sake of studying in itself. no? where do they find their motivation from? seriously? I think i might need to work very hard next term. i seriously think so. i am really hoping for average grades this term. nothing fanciful. serious.

I hope this really builds me

and i can look back at this and think that i was so silly now to be so stressed up by these things that seems like nothingness. but i think its a new breakthru.. of level of stress in a given period.

this life

I know its only going to get better from here. yet i find it difficult not to whin since everyting is such a bitch. studying is such a bitch when you are in it, but when you loook at it retrospecitve, its always nice because you look at the freedom times you had when in sch. breaks in between, time to relax, and engage in interesting things. no matter how the corporate folks try to replicate this with like team bonding things, friday morning huddles, its but an attempt to replicate that interesting interaction etc during sch.

things are oonly going to get better from here. at least that what i think it would be, even though i know its going to be a short 4 weeks of Dec before the whole cycle repeats itself. and of course i can lie to myself that next term is going to be easier since it is not the much hated accounting modules i am going to take. my archilles heels. but then again, looking at all the things i have in plans to do next term, i just think that its really overhwhelming, the things i set out to do. if i die today, i'd die with so many regret, not regrets, but feeling zan nen that i can't do them in this life. in life on earth. i have so many things that i want to do which i think if i dont, i really will feel so shitty. i wonder when i will be able to let go such that if i die tmr, i would die looking back and knowing that it has been a rather good life. i havent experienced so many things in life yet. but well. ok. quick blog. time to go back to study. me and my 2nd upper. whats with that?

lately

lately i've had some time on the train thinking about my life not ahead but thus far. this term i must say is really stressful. i'm not even sure by now is it a recurring thing or is it just post exchange or is it just me.

i thought about basketball styles. and mind you, before you judge that it is some boy thoughts wandering, there is actually a lot of profound thoughts into it.

in my sec sch team, essentially there are 5 of us who played thruout. there are a lot of other friends. but in the many days where we stayed back to play ball, and the results of it on court, it was 5. and i remember when we were playing in sch, there was some form of speciallisation, that the other team is more of a team play, and my team is slightly less. but i think that arrangement provided the variety in the team, such that we had weapons in most circumstances. I hope to think that everything in life happens for a reason. once again, this is a proper excuse when your current situation is good while looking back at times when not so desirable things happened to you, and you heave a sigh of relief and tell yourself that despite all those challenging times, you managed to pull thru and got to a situation that is quite ok.

long term impacts

I kinda could comprehend why people in SMU might get fall into depression. I always tell people, even someone as chill as me could find it really difficult to let go in this place. its kinda the ultimate i guess. yet transiting into this part of my studies, things have really not been the same. every yr is a slightly diff experience.