today, i think i should not have external factors sway my day anymore. indeed life should be more purposeful than this lah. i feel so childish now. like primary sch got 90 for matsh then din get A* then sad like tt haha. cept that this time is its not between A and A* lah. hur hur. more like A pass and A fail. gr... want to grind my teeth also tough since the wisdom tooth is killing me. wat an oxy moron. wisdom kiling me.

i am really looking forward to the summer holidays coming. but i just think that it would'nt be as worth the wait as i have experienced last yr. "eh its here already ah ?" before you know it its already gone. but i hope at least with my discipline of like holding off certain things especially an internship, it would be ..

i feel like a little boy on an island trying to get the attention of passing boats. but they just sail by sia.... yet, that boy tries to tell himself that its ok, i've still got the monkeys on the island who cares about what i do. and when the monkeys ignore me i'd still have the boats. hm.. self deception. i guess this is the feeling that people get when they mention that in uni you don make that many friends. and then you can always fall back on the true friends you made over the years. but why is it so that i am spending so much time with the friends that so called dun matter, but not spending time with those that do? 80-20 and 20-80. think it may go up to 90-10 next yr.

make me think not that way...

i just found a great place to take photo in SMU. right on top of the new tunnel built that links stamford road to plaza sing. ha. where's my jungle hat. i'm in that mode already.

effect of a summa cum laude on your job pay: $500,000
being bubbly as always: priceless.

there are some things in life that can't be bought, for everything else, SMU equips you for it.

TGIF

jason: everyone's been thanking you... haha. and i don't think you are a spiritual orphan. the definition of orphan is one who lost one or both his/her parents who is/are dead physically. so 1: you are not an orphan. coz both mama and papa are around. and 2: neither are you a spiritual orphan, because you have a great spiritual father(samuel), grandfather(yonghowe), great grandfather(Ps RO) .... and the list goes on. on top of that you have great people you can turn to anytime for guidance like Ps Vic who has a genuine relationship with you. jason i think there is no need for you hide those feelings in your heart and focus only on the happy things. we can only overcome and conquer when we face straight up to our fears or worries or unhappiness.

each day we live, do we remember to give thanks and celebrate the friendships that we have? to be honest i once thought about the genuinity about the friendships in the tribe and i do get skeptical sometimes like sometimes friendships are so thin we are almost hi-bye friends. and there is always that sense of uneasiness when you see someone whom you obviously know is in your tribe but you just don't know what to say. but by the sheer genuinity of love and sharing and effort that some of our leaders have shown us, i am convinced that we are more than just a hi-bye tribe. and i really do feel bad each time i have been away for an extended period of time, seemingly as if i havent been putting in my share of effort to make this work, i do feel bad. thinking in my bath that society works in a way that requires human beings to give by the sheer fact that they have been given. for example, we would unconditionally raise our children by the fact that we were raised.. people who have been blessed by scholarships in turn give back to society in terms of setting up scholarships... and i believe that for this system to work, we must all give in simply because someone else has given to bless me. :)

in all simplicity, pls do not hesititate to give an extra smile to that not so familiar face in your tribe. pls do not shut one down simply coz they are different. yin huan and I are sooooooo different, and i used to find him arrogant and so did he. but we just clicked and guess what, i came to know of God thru him. God works in many wonderous ways, you'd never know when that ugly friend of yours is going to change your whole #$%^&life.

just had dinner with the CEO of The Right Angle Group. a simple yet great man. and you know this is really what they call the league of extraordinary gentlemen.. he sorta brought me back to living again. and we always do need people in your life to tell you that you are alive don't you?

let's not stop giving thanks for people around us. people whom God has put right beside you at this very moment for a reason. and celebrate.

~Bawah Boy

still hunting for myself in that Remote Island

what title todae?

i am drained. i am exhausted. i cant come up with a brilliant idea anymore. dont expect anything more from me than a dismal underperformance. sitting in the middle of nowhere, i am even amazed that i could have seemingly 3 hours or so to sit down before the next meeting. JAded? a prof kinda defined the meaning of that word to a new level today man. but well duh..

do i sound jaded to you? i probably am not. just one of those moments. you know how its the 'in' thing to declare that you're a fighter to show that you are not giving up? like how David Beckham recently mentioned when there are rumours of him being redrafted back into the England Team? matter of fact? STOP WHINING. have you heard the phrase 'bite the bullet'? how did anyone come up with that? it sounds more like a scene in matrix or superman than to sae "Lan Lan suck thumb" right?

God probably created times like this to remind us to stop and smell the flowers, look at the clouds right? hm... so why did God create Wisdom teeth that grows perpendicular to the normal way teeth grow?

love hate relationship for seeing people walk by me.. means i am actually free enough for people to walk by me. also means that i am unnoticed..

lately its just been a feeling of being unappreciated by people in sch lah i guess. am i secure enough to know that there always would be people appreciative? haha. someone once said that to be secure we really have to know what we want in life and avoid all the fluctuations in emotions in between. agree man..

people comment that my blog is very real. i dun agree. i have missed out discussions on girlfriends, people who came in and out of my life. doesnt feel that good when i dun read about myself in that someone's life when i read her blog too.

pain pain pain!!

pain pain pain! my tooth pain pain. its going to last a week, but in a week's time i am going to take out the other side, so effectively it is going to last a month!! this misery!! ohh..

ulcers

these days i have ulcers in my mouth like half the time of the year. and it really affects my mood. appears as though i dont like to talk to people anymore. not really the case but just that its really tough to talk.

are you sure?

are you sure when we start working there'd be less uncertainty? i dont think so. perhaps less in a way that you dont have that choice at all. at least we do have that choice of doing what we want on a shorter scale of time right now. say every 4 months you could evaluate whether where you are going right now is the right path you wana follow. when you work, i suppose that volatility is less. some time ago i had the privelege of sitting down at a friends place the way we do it in jc times. and it was such a time to relive those memories and know that we still have this flex. my friend is working but we could still sit down over some titbits and just talk the night away. its in our hands? to what extent? as i write this, i received a mindef ops manning instruction to log on to the website to se emy manning details. this leads me to rethinking what whether i made the right choice being so 'on' in ns, thus leading to this level of involvement even til now. 2 ways of looking at it right, the positive "oh this builds me as a leader" mentality and the "not my business" mentality. my goodness. i sit on the fence often enough to let that add to my constant struggles. sometimes i think i think too much. people used to tell me that. there's so much i wana learn as a person. but just to make money. but also to learn almost everything that i can. haha. side talk. i seem to be drifting in my thoughts. does that matter? my blog really aint that different from anything. you might as well go to Excel and generate a random number than reading such randomness in thoughts. hm..
someone once told me that if life is purposeful your moods will not fluctuate with circumstances. is that true? life is more than earning the max amt of money. true. do you realise my blog is in real terms simply revolving around these issues? u read one you've read them all. :)

dear blog

dear blog,

today i was asleep at the couch listening to busy people talking about work and stuff. and i know for sure i wasnt asleep, yet i refused to get up. as if living in denial that i am asleep and i do not need to be like them. times like this, i really feel insignificant. in the midst of looking at my peers find their footing in school, i struggle to find mine. i am like neither here nor there and i dont know why. seems like i've planned for certain things, but they never seem to happen.

where can i find my significance? i think i obviously know the answer already. we only have one life, and it is so true that we can never try to do everything. we all just have to find our footing. like hunting in the jungle?

walking in the midst of people in school, i slowly feel more and more i am sick of like saying hi to the endless streams of familiar faces in school. i just want to be significant. why is that so? because my father once found his significance? and thus a tiger's son is no pussy cat? or just that all boys have the i wana conquer the world mentality?

this term has exposed me to a number of projects that has worked us late into the night, and it is times like this we find that things are not productive and we are arguing in circles.. i thought my strength lies in being balanced in my views and as such most should see eye to eye with me? or is it the fact that i have assumed that that made me somewhat pretty one sided in my views and not so open any more? what happened to the 'everything' is open for discussion me? i found that i have been less patient lately especially in listening to other people. i am like constantly rushing for time just to sit down the next moment not knowing what to do.