happilyness

haha.

on the way down from the PEAK in Hong Kong, i imagined myself looking at the same scenery that probably just about a week ago, was enjoyed by jie wei and her friends.

and i was walking down this trail at night with a group of friends, and i started to think how happiness is such a process of back and forth in your heart. its a never ending cycle. you think you'd be happier like this, it doesnt happen, you wana get back, its not possible to move back. you move along and am afraid of looking back, living a life with certain regrets. the worse thing is to move along with regrets. you finally moved along, something changes in your life again. you wonder what decision you should make now, and you consider all the different scenarios that might happen, and realise that every one involves you feeling shitty about something. and you make a choice, knowing that you are trudging towards some form of unhappiness. yet there's nothing you could do. yes, with this, it is the optimal amt of happiness you'd get. yet, at those moments when you just feel shitty, you cant help but feel about this.

i thought i knew a lot. the more i knew, the more i realise i dont know. true for everything. i thought i was good.

Hong Kong

i've got people who claims that they still do read my blog every once in a while.. somehow i find that amazing.

I am a fan of Heath Ledger. Ironic how sometimes you only become fans of people when they are dead. its a coincidence for me. his performance in the dark knight is simply stunning. and note there's no mention of the word 'batman' in any written form even though it was being memtioned countless times. who would have imagined that just 15 years ago, the exact same movie about the same superhero and the same villian was being made, and it still didnt fail at quenching the audiences thirst.. i guess they'd start making sequels in shorter product cycles now. like eventually there'd be like an x men movie or something every 5 yrs or so. unimaginable.

I am a fan of joker.

amongst the countless facebook pictures posted by friends in Hong kong, (i didnt take a single shot from my camera in hong kong yet), seems like i am having so much fun huh. its kind of a gd experience i'd say. but i guess europe once again killed everything since its kinda like saturation pt in terms of my 'international' exposure term in smu. i guess i miss spore more than anyting now, despite the fulfilling schedule here. for example, i went to Linheung dim sum this morning, the one said to be hong kong's most authentic dimsum place. following which to repulse bay where its said to be the place for people watching, tho weifa and bingkai and myself wouldnt agree to that. and then we went to a german beer house to have again, the same good old pork knuckles and sausages and the usual 1 L beer.. pretty authentic tho i'd say the real one is def better. really make me think of the regret of not going to hofbrahaus in munich!!!!

despite this great itenary, and wonderful hosts, bus rides back to starr hall still makes me think of so many things, despite friends being right beside me. and sometimes i just get really filled with thoughts that i will never be able to put down in a blog like this. about jie wei, and how decisions are being made, about what there is in the near future for me. if i'd told you that europe didnt change me and some of my thought processes, i'd confess now that i am bluffing you. many things have changed. my outlook, the way i look at things, the way i think.. even my lifestyle has changed in a way.

My relationship with God has evolved as well. its hard to explain, but sometimes its like how a relationship evolves. my relationship with my dad evolved over the years as well.. so i guess its normal. i think its beyond the ability of language to articulate relationships, and i think sometimes the less we talk about it, the more we feel it.

5 things i miss the most: (in order)

1. jie wei
2. singapore
3. good old beer time with friends
4. beach volleyball
5. the feeling that i am still a student

this is too much for me

you know my last one spoke about the dilemma of making life overmeaningful, thereby making it too eventful and each one comes to an end and it overwhelms you with this sudden gush of emptiness. i came back to copenhagen, and was afraid to do so. i even went out for a short walk but was even more afraid to do so. for my last round of copenhagen signifies my departure from europe and also someone. i couldnt raise my head til the last moment, and i looked at the sky to embrace singapore and hong kong coming into my itenary soon and how much i'd appreciate both of them. i guess i really might be able to look back and feel good when i have the distraction of those. but in the meantime, in my long but short 24 hours here in copenhagen, i am suffering. immense suffering, packing my bag, saying my final goodbye. i locked myself in the room the rest of the day, sleepy but unready to sleep. because lying down in the room just is too much for me to handle. especially when its like just within 4 walls.

ok. its much better now coz my landlady invited me for dinner since she knew i didnt have much to eat, and i sat down for the first time with the danish family.. its funny that i only sat down with them and had this 'host family' feeling on the last day in denmark. :)

now its time to settle admin stuff and pack.. its just hours before i depart now.. and i kinda am spiralling into that depressive mode again...

loneliness

learn to cope with it. you know how sometimes you can be with a group of people and still feel lonely? the light outside is slowly dimming.. while i'm in an awkward position of not knowing what to do next, while friends are watching some stuff together. i could go up and pack my things.. i think now is like.. i dont know i feel sad because i am leaving europe very soon, or because i'd feel that copenhagen will overwhelm me because i am going back to pack up and reall leave europe for good.... or is it because of something else? sometimes i think a life that is really meaningful is one that is really sentimental and we cant avoid it having its share of happiness and sadness, just like the one i experienced earlier in the week, another intensive week of bonding with french students who are learning english. and of course now... leaving europe.. for real. many of my friends are already back in singapore in fact.

all good things come to an end. cherish it while its there.