what a blow what a blow

what a blow.
this term i realise many things about miself.

1. i am more stupid than i thought i was.
2. i crumble at stress more easily than i thought i would.
3. i couldnt multi task as well as i thought i could be.
4. i din choose to be like me. i am just like tt. i am not that versatile. i am JUST like tt.
5. i wonder why i am in certain places at certain times.
6. i wonder how i arrive at certain decisions.
7. i still make them anyway.
8. thats life isnt it?
9. no.

i wonder if you know..

one could really fall pretty badly within a short period of time. and i think this lesson is really a great lesson for me. clearly i am not worthy of such flatter. so pls do bring me down to ground zero and not continue to let me float up on cloud nine. indeed it has been a smashing 2 years trying to keep up with what i have 'achieved' and it is really tougher to let go. is it still impossible? i would say it is not. i am willing to give it a try. to really whack the rest of the 3 terms and give my friends a different perspective. a different start i guess. and then perhaps they'd change their view on me. why do i want that? i guess everyone would want people to feel that they have the competence and ability to follow thru whatever task they are given on hand. i always give people the feeling tt i am like fighting a multi front war. i think it is time i concentrate on one war. and fight it well. a change of strategy huh.

these days

these days i do anything.
watching heroes and it does not hav an ending! why do i hate serials tt do no hav an ending?
ringing in my ears from loud music. am i still as proud tt i am deliberately not doing anything this hols? i must say tt it is eroding man. what am i doing with my life now? settling other peoples's problems now tt i look very free? i feel stretched. people are constantly on the lookout for people who looks free who can then do the ground work for them. i'm like one of them. i should tell every one ard that i am sooooo busy. been filled with many psycho theories.. must be the influence of heroes. i cant watch shows with too much narative. i'd hav an internal voice narating in me away...
music works wonders.
i hope jie wei is going to do well in her exams. coming already, which i feel that our prep levels r pretty similar. i sure hope she dun buang as hard i did man.
and i pray tt she'd take the disappointments in life in a manner that would shape her to be stronger. God sure dangles carrots in front of you man. the place it right infront of you and take it away from you feeling. i know it man jie. if no one else knows it. i'd. and it would come back and haunt u.. sure you can let go and stuff. but it will come back. but i just pray tt thru all these, you would understand the 90/10, 80/20 rule in life. whatever you wana call it. if we could influence 80% of the people under us, we are considered successful already. if we could have 80% of the things going the way as planned out, we are considered successful. learn to place things in perspective. learn to reevaluate the goals we have. intermediate terms.

what am i rambling away my dear?

why am i?
here?

i sure dun have your patience to copy entire song lyrics to show your emotions at this very moment. :) i'd just say my song would be... that braveheart theme that has those pipers playing in the background.

i feel like i am getting skeptical about the church. God. my spiritual life.. yes highlight.. highlight. i feel this way. but dont process with me abt this for the time being ok? no one. let God.
skepticism stems from the fundamentals. on my relationship with God. it sure is a gd relationship.

life is about sharing. what could be better bonding than sitting down with new people and realise tt they share the same thinking in life?

konk out. off to the library tmr.

complacency

for a good 23 years of my life i guess i have lived in certain complacency. sure i know that i am talented because people tell me that. but i guess it takes a hard hit before we wake up dont we?

furthermore things have been going too good for the recent future i guess to set me floating on cloud 9. but yah. this is the yr or sae sem, that i know i am not that good after all. i feel that everyone's like running their own races and i am still at the startline decidin on which race to run. haha.

so come this summer, i really pray to God that the spirit of laziness will flee from me man. really pray.

darkest hour

as i gathered back to see the reason why it is so difficult at this hour, i realised its because i have been a procrastinator. it gets the coldest just before dawn.. blah blah blah. self help. 90/10 principle.

seems like my day has just begun at 12 midnight, and i am suddenly stunned at the amt more i have to cover, then i realised that i have wasted my day away. not knowing that each assignment could take 5 hours to go thru. just to go thru. not even doing. just reading the qn and reading the answer that follows.

i suddenly feel that i need an exchange now. univeristy all of a sudden feels like army once again. 8 terms of tough studying. similar to OCS service term 1 and 2 then pro term.. yada yada.

and the tough part is that i know i have to impose on people to psyche me up.. keep me going. blah blah.

sure university should be the best time of your life because it is one the few moments of your life when you know what you wana do and actually have the extended free time to do it during the vacations. yes! i think that is the main value of university now. 4 mths of doing just exactly what you wana do. no need to think about anything. so it'd be real sad if we are rushing to fill up our holidays with things that are "good to have" like a banking internship, a summer school programme in a great university abroad.

choices my boy. choices.

when you wake up

the other day i woke up to macdonald's breakfast, wow. din know it could serve to be such a booster for the entire day.
stresses of a writer, designer, anyone who derives their work from no existing frame work, shag!! we all work so conducively in our confort zones of frameworks, just do what the other in front of me has done. that false sense of excellence just because it has been accepted before. ten year series, past yr papers.