saturday in school

F1's creating some buzz in the city i must say. yet i am in school, struggling to study in a predefined studying hours, but definitely miserably failing what i set out to achieve. a little lucky the date of the test is 3 days later than what i prepared for.

have i ever mugged this hard before? i dont know. i think things are getting more and more difficult such that you need a lot of time to get something in your head. or is it that we have been becoming more and more stupid? or is it just me?

internship started. got a taste of 2 days of working life, corporate life. interesting for the first 2 days i must say. but without my terminal in office resembling a pentium 4, i must say i am not impressed with the kind of IT facilities in office. it blew my mind about what to expect in the financial world. interesting projects tho. i am already beginning to be overwhelmed by what is expected of me in this short period. in fact i told a fren, i could literally count the number of days i am going to work. adds up to less than 30 working days. wow.

i hope i can do as much as i can in those days.

tiring thursday

now i understand those who half work half study. haha. killlllll me. thursdays are a 13 hour day for me.

a productive day (only first half)

have not felt so productive in a long whille. before lunch today, i've completed a long run. almost 2 hours. that sends a sense of accomplishment. its funny how the feelings of completing a run at different times of the day yields such different feelings. not tat i've been really productive since. just the feeling of going for a morning run is ever so refreshing. you feel like your body is being regenerated, couple that up with a detoxifying breakfast. i could feed on that sense of healthiness for a week. it feels good to be coming to school and study in the lib. not that i am starting already. been frustrated at how many websites i can't get to in the school network. such that i cant even blog this right away.

if running in the morning could produce such desired effects consistently, i would definitely do it.

this world, this cynical view of the world

i think the best way to live life is to be relatively current in the world, yet in some sense be blissfully ignorant about some of our surroundings. i hope a me that will know when to find the balance in terms of being useful in the world, yet also know when to give up running that never ending race for things that are at least as important. you have to stay current with your loved ones if u want to be current.

咳

我们还有多少个七年啊？人的一生，又能够犯多少个错？错过了，还能不能够等得到吗？
做决定真的很难，尤其当你把全部情况都设想的很周全时，就会禁不住想起自己放弃的其他选择，不过人生应该就是这样子吧。

the art of degeneration

i wonder if i still live in the age of being able to claim that i am flexible enough to learn a lot of things. because, truly, my inertia to learn things are getting real high. i am beginning to see the fingers once pointing to my mum, pointing to myself now. the very same mouth tt encourages my mum to learn english, learn to use new handphones, emails etc, is unable to tell the being tt it resides upon to learn a new software for example. ACL... hahaha. moreoevr, my learning discipline is so slow.

there was a time

randomness.... this afternoon is just filled with it. there's no pattern governing what I do. neither the impt nor the urgent. just random.

i remember once upon a time I had pretty cutting edge views in class, and there was just some sort of flair that i exuberated in my arguments. seems like they're gone.

and when the rest of the world seems to be settling down in their own lifestyles, you feel left behind. i feel left behind. i feel like i am still waiting for things to happen onto me, before which i can't move a chess in my game. i just have to wait here... and i hate that feeling. so many things being put on hold, while i wait for decisions to be made upon me. whether this company wants me, that programme wants me.. et cetera.

i for one and very willing to stagnate in this stage, because nothing seems to matter more to me.

days ago, i compressed my 'life story' into a 5 min version on a self introduction segment of an interview. i thought i did ok on that one, but it seems i find it very difficult to describe me. reminding me of which there is some of an evaluation based on the personality test that i did before the interview. ha. another random thing for me to do this afternoon and continue to procrastinate on my studies. damn.

i feel thrown behind by the entire world. i feel worried for myself. will i cultivate this sense of procrastination and go on like this my whole life? i seem to have no problem convincing peopel that there are things in life i am very passionate about. but i wonder if that's a facade. i can't seem to remember facts very well in my mind and i wonder if its because i cannot link the facts together to find a pattern for easy storage.

i definitely lose out in terms of my technical skills as a business student. i can only fill that gap with fluffier items like politeness, charm, relationships, experiences, etc. tough. absolutely tough.

The day you became mine was also the day that I lost you to your way of life.

"I thought I could stop looking for that someone, but have you found yours?"

the addiction of reading

it kills me, pretty slowly, to read your blog. yet i can't stop myself from checking it twice a day for first hand updates.

in response

no response..
i am so overwhelmed.. i have no response. it has seeped slowly into this stage of awkwardness. its really hard to describe. i feel so close yet so far. in some sense, shamed by the words you've mentioned, in some sense killed by those words.

the feeling of condemnation, that provokes me to think that i'd really never find that special person. and i guess i'm not even finding that person, but more like finding myself in the process. i am that self centred .. maybe.

i am no less idealistic than you. i too believe in the fairy tale ending of everything, just that i doesnt happen to me, or more like i can't, i just don't have the ability to make that choice.

many of your words so perfectly describe the situation. i almost could feel you more reading you than talking to you on the phone. phone is awkward. phone is cold. phone is fakey.

i hesitate to call you now even tho i read those messages you sent me along the way 20000 times a day. to remind me of us. the goods and bads included. and when i see that message, i think i know how hurt you are.. it reminds me of your anger. it stops me from shamelessly calling you and act as tho nothing happened.

i miss you. i don't know how to say it, but i miss you.. its crazy.

mousehole

i am right now reclining into my mousehole.
i deliberately missed an interview with a company the other day despite being shortlisted. but yet this is just a sidenote to what i am feeling right now.
this post almost acts like a saviour of my otherwise crazy day. but i just feel so so so bad now.
its almost like i need to get down somewhere to just let this out, and whine. to no one in particular, but just whine... like a little baby whose simply helpless about the situation.
hate is definitely a strong word aint it, but when some people say it, you know that he or she really means it since you know he/she ain't those kinda who can't control their emotions. it must have been a careful consideration and very thoughtfully putting across, yet not able to find a righter word than 'hate'. and thus i accept it. this someone is so important to me.
the stone's been cast and made too big a void.

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time,When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

do i still put any hope in this? or do i just contribute to the pain? am i contributing to this relationship or is it a partnership?

life of a recluse

'i am someone who has to enjoy balance all along the way one'
'i cant like work very hard for 5 years and think that i will retire after that'.

have i been achieving that balance? amidst all the sch work. i once justified it by saying that its to find a balanced job. but doenst that equate to delayed gratification? and i am literally throwin away this term for a delayed benefit of having a high chance of having a 'gd' job.

comin back. i guess i aint really that busy.

many a times.. this seems like a silent reply to another blog. i guess i need to read and just write. to no one in particular, but i guess i just have to write. i've a fren who maintains blogs from 4 languages. amazing.

more and more i am feeling like i am returnign to an empty room. i struggle to think of such stuff. life is unpredictable for me. i really could uproot myself and move to somewhere 10000 miles away. i really could i guess. this life seems to suddenly lack a sense of meaning. its definitely the void i'm feeling from suddenly being 'unattached'. i was effectively attached just days ago, at least emotionally. i don't know. i pride myself for very effective decision making processes. but in this area, i seem to follow no constant rules.

i am to blame.

why am i screwing up my life?

leadership from parents

think about it. my parents never told me the importance of leadership in any context. when i played bball intensively til i had to drop F maths, my mum scolded me and told me to drop bball. haha.

my Dad once lead a company that i guess was 50 strong. pretty impressive. but he never ever told me about the imptnce of leadership. i guess he never told me anything at that time since he wasnt there. haha. but now he tells me: 建阿， 男人要先成家后立业。 i'm like wtf. i thought i was in medieval times. and he said it , i swear to you, with an absolutely straight face. probably one of the classics i'd tell my grandchildren, that's if i eventually do have them.

my brother din ever tell me about leadership. maebe he was more relevant, and he probably knows what i was doing was relevant and thus felt i din need any advice.

i hope i dont need to tell my son about leadership.

i'm applying for so many jobs i wish i had 100000 lifetimes to try them all. or maebe 10000 life times to apply them all. maebe 1 of them, i'd be in cirque de soleil. one of my 'dream' employers, according to a survey.

adrenalin rush

i was reminded about how i got a major adrenaline rush when the email came in to ask for people who were interested in joining the ranger course as NSFs. i got an email recently, asking for applicants to something that could disrupt my life if i get it.... but i havent felt that adrenaline rush for a long time... normally when i get to make a decision that most people wont...