now it happens again

hols supposed to relax right? doesnt happen to me leh.

in my conversation with people i realise that the blog is increasingly taking over our lives.. especially in the arena of gossip. haha. we are all blinded by the inactivity of the internet. remember: for every 1 comment people place on your blog, there are many other readers who've read but not left a comment. for every reply in your email especially in yahoogroups or something, there are tons of others who've read the mail but just went hm.. to themselves! haha. and people do tok abt your mails and blogs especially. but well not that i care lah.

looks like my hols is gone again. before it even is. i've got almost 80% of the days filled already. this came true after i decided to go to vietnam earlier to back pack befroe doing my CIP there. trying to live on US$300 in say 2 weeks? i think i'd need a begging bowl, if not a nice ass. :)

so well. i duno leh. whats wrong with me ah? am i trying to do everythig? does tt mean tt i dun noe how to prioritise? or dies tt mean that i do know how to prioritise since i can 'prioritise' these stuff above playing games and stuff? well.. seems like my first hols is spent in such a way that i've got no hols. :)

when i am back either i am bz with orientations or i'd be doing an internship tt lasts for sae a month. thats if i get thru lah.

sounds like my life has only these few things:
my disappointment when my mom doesnt seem to love me
my busy life
my lousy relationships

Hey God:

i feel like leaving for a while. i feel like knowing people different from here. like vietnam haha. is it the people here letting me down or am i having too rosy a pic for people elsewhere? i think i am misrepresenting my feelings here again. i noe theres seems to be a whole lot of pessimism here, but believe me, there isnt a lot. just some.

Hey God, what does it feel like to be like u? dont you ever feel stupid helping people? or is it your time hasnt come yet? i noe people will be like 'how can you gauge God on a human basis? He is different and we cannot imagine how great He is and so on. but if i do not gauge him in a human way then how do i gauge him? i'm not taughty to gauge anything in another way wat. aiya.

at home the whole day again. but going out soon lah. i dun feel like going out to make people happy anymore. i am going to be selfish ahhaa.

this is the way i wana live it

this is the way i wana live it. today i turned away all appointments and outings. just to stay at home to read and do the things you do at home. i ended up meeting a fren at a cafe in siglap. left for home pretty early by my standards. 10. was reading on a bus and missed my stop! wat was so dfferent todae? i'm not a bus person to start with. normally i'd just cab back. but today i thought i'd save some money. but missed the stop.? no worries. i walked. on the way home i just thought, this is the way it should be isnt it?

i felt so easy walking tonight instead worrying abt the minutes spent on walking. i used to quatify how much my minutes were worth and end up cabbing alot coz i felt my price was defnitely higher the cab fares. i end up spending lots on cab. tonight was just different. i felt totally easy. could even think and reflect on the way back. haha. i wished everyday could be like this. i guess when i have less to do, i have more to live.

before i forget abt this.

i've got this long dream on an afternoon nap in a day when i decided to stay at home the whole day and which i turned down my frens for all outings and stuff. bad idea to stay at home huh.

anything before this i probably forgot. but my dream started with this. that i knew that 3 of my very impt frens in life dan lin and sharlene and angeline were supposed to be like out together. think they went to watch a show or something. so i was like urm ok. i went for service as usual which i dont know why was near macdonalds'. like the one with those drive thru at east coast. all of a sudden as i was sitting by the aisles i saw angline sharlene and danlin in church. i din noe who brought them there.

all of a sudden i needed a piss and so i went out. i saw almost all the motherly and fatherly figures in my life on the same table!!! on one, yong howe and shirley was with my mum and dad and uncle or something on a stone table by 'macdonalds' discussing a deal which seems to be like church ordering fruits or somehting. hahahaha. seems like a big deal coz i remember the defining scene was when my mum settled the deal and then called to tell someone 'XXX, 我们已经谈妥了。 以后可以好好过日子了！’。

in the dream i was sad to hear that coz i wasnt the first one mum wants to tell the 'exciting' news to. dreams definitely do reflect a lot abt your life dont they?

its like 2 episodes of drama in one dream. whew. long and tired. i think i even perspired during the course of having the dream.

series

someone asked me who the 'gei ni de' was for. funny. if it was meant to be known, why would i phrase it that way? its for someone yet for everyone kind? i do wana go back to the past. and many times i really cant say things that i wana sae, even here. i wonder who'll think that this is aimed at them again? paranoid.

got a nasty wake up call this morning to hear from aunt that shes not feeling well. ended up at the hospital for half the day. i'm glad i'm there. people really need children. like my aunt? she was married and got divorced without any children. living alone. bad situation to be in. low in maintenance tho. haha. i'm like with 3 moms ever since i've known whats called surrogate son. haha. no complains. 3 times the work but 3 times the pampering.

what have i been doing lately? i really duno leh. haha. thats what 've been answering people these days. maebe now theres stg different lah. ha. korean drama. myyyyy song hye gyo.. ooh lah lah. shes really pretty leh. like my dream girl. not the leggy booby kind of girl but just her facial expressions alone can capture me.,

i seem to be idling my hols away. much different from what i set out to do. my mid yr reflections? i think i am pretty on trac to doing what i set out to do. no more marathons this yr, no more triathlons.

给你的

一盏黄黄旧旧的灯 时间在旁闷不吭声
寂寞下手毫无分寸 不懂得轻重之分
沉默支撑跃过陌生 静静看著凌晨黄昏
你的身影 失去平衡慢慢下沉

黑暗已在空中盘旋 该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端 无法存活在真实的空间

想回到过去 试著抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界 想在你梦的画面
祇要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去 试著让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意 这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

思绪不断阻挡著回忆播放 盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去 一转身孤单已躺在身旁





才離開沒多久就開始擔心今天的妳過的好不好
整個畫面是妳 想妳想到睡不著
嘴嘟嘟那可愛的模樣 還有在妳身上香香的味道
我的快樂 是妳想一想的微笑

沒有妳在 我有多難熬 (沒有妳在我有多難熬多煩惱)
沒有妳煩 我有多煩惱 (沒有妳煩我有多煩惱多難熬)
穿過雲層我試著努力向妳奔跑
愛才送到 妳卻已在別人懷抱

就是開不了口讓她知道
我一定會呵護著妳也逗妳笑
妳對我有多重要 我後悔沒讓妳知道
安靜的聽妳撒嬌 看妳睡著一直到老

就是開不了口讓她知道
就是那麼簡單幾句我辦不到
整顆心懸在半空 我只能夠遠遠看著
這些我都做得到 但那個人已經不是 我

when was the last time?

when was the last time.....
you did something for the first time?
you wrote a letter and mailed it to your penpal/ fren?
you had a reunion dinner where every single member of your extended family was around?
you typed an email in an internet cafe abroad?

this is almost week 4 or 5 of my 14 week holiday. i've done nothing much i set out to do in the hols. like taking japanese, readin up on last sems work.. etc. i've just been living my days answering to impromptyu meetups, impropmptu meetings, impromptu favours. tending to impromptu needs etc. hav i had time to myself? perhaps. but perhaps not. i dun remember a moment when i was alone other than packing my room for that one day.

my female peers are currently in their 3rd yr of university. they r either working or in their honours year. many are worrying abt their first job. others are worried that they might still not be sure of their lives. i just challenged a friend to the need of knowing what you want in life. everyone's telling me that i need to be focused. focused to what? to the singaporean way of life?
to the singaporean dream of earning a toyota and a corner in the HDB block and working your ass off the rest of your life?

during one my meetups with frens this summer, we were talkin abt what we picture each other to be working as... and one of my closest friends just mentioned that she cant imagine me being an office guy. she saes i'm either a farmer or someone who sells fruits or ice cream at the beach off a coast in bali or so hahahah!! i totally agreed. somewhere along that line i guess. no shirt no tie. just a singlet and board shorts. no gucci document bags but rather a crumpler plus a draft case? those that designers carry around? ahaha./ too bad i've passed my way of being a designer. i cant draw for nuts.

korean drama

pei was watching korean drama last night til like 5 am in the morning in my room while i was busy cheering the underdogs in the champions league finals. i finished the game at abt 430 but was stil subject to the volumes of korean drama since we are int he same room. i now can understand how it is addictive since even someone like me who dont catch any serial, could be captivated by it in a span of just 5 mins of listening to the words. not even watching it. wow. amazing.

watching it really makes me wana be really in love again. the kind of cute cute no need to think so much kind of love. how abt that. now wana fall in love have to go thru the 18 stages of consideration one. compatibility, money, religion, common friends, common interest, character, stage of life, virginity, TIME. overseas relationships. aiya. last time like someone just tell. now stil must think of this think of that.

what a filled life?

what a filled life i have. can read you my schedule for this week. its the hols btw.
mon: new furniture coming, pack room.
tues: filming of convocation 10 to 4
wed: meet captain blake, 8 am do biz camp stuff
thurs: meeting for convocation, lunch appt, davinci code at night
fri : prof's book launch, sell flowers for charity
saturday: salsa
sunday: church, VK tribe outing.

wow. i am having my hols.

i love my new rm with the new study table. so now, with not one but 2 study tables to mself in the bedroom, this looks more like a study rm than a bedroom now. haha. what a nerd i am. i've even got those thick thick dictionaries and reference books stacked on the shelf! i cant believe it. but with so much more work space its real cool. i can pratically give tuition in my room haha.

ironically i wasnt sleeping in my rm the first night it got the revamp. haha.

i've got a friend who regularly reads my blog who said this to me tonight: i dont feel like going supper because i sometimes feel lonely midst being in a crowd. i prefer to spend quality time with my DAD. wow. inspiring. i do feel that too sometimes. but of course its a balance to maintain. i personally feel that i definitely fall into that overactive category.

i told myself this hols i wana do a lot of things. but one of them is not salsa. yet i am taking classes now on them. i'm those by products of spoon feeding over the years that i wont or wont have time to go find things that i wana do . its more like i do watever comes in front of mi that kind. in the end i do things that people want me to do, not the things that i wana do. i always rely on people to teach me. self help is never a concept in me. help buttons t the top right hand corner of the window, i alwyas give up at the 2nd minute of reading them. thats how useless i am. or maebe impatient.

my eyelids have been twitching the whole day.

gf problems

you'd be surprised how much hair i saw coming out from my scalp when i removed my braids. gdness its like cancer patient kind loh. as i remmoved each single braid there were like at least a bunch that came out. at the end of it i felt like i'm losing all my hair. my hair feels significantly thinner now. and the front of my scalp feels like its balding. wahhhahaha. so much so for trying out somehitng new.

at a friend's place now. everyone's like having gf problems now. is it a seasonal thing since its the hols now? people either get opened to many more choices or they are bored and need a sudden increase in attention from their other half? which category do i fall under? none. i fall under the consultant category. coz i always listen to them now rather than people listening to me? i in some ways feel better like this too.

mummy day

oh man. i rememebered posting an entry regarding making a video of mummy for mother's day.. how come its gone? did i save it? how can it be? by the way its just abt making a video for my mum on mum's day. so well... haiyo have to rewrite it again. so sian. well lets see how touched she'd be lah. not that she sounded really enthu abt coming out for a mother's day dinner... sometimes its really disappointing lah. but well. its her day, she chooses how to spend it.

there were a few photos that really marks the milestones of our family life.

today was another day of events that filled up almost the entire day. my spending habits when it comes to time and money is really pretty screwed up.. i really have no idea how much i spend and i just go with anyone who asks me to do anything. almost no concept of choice. and i spend accordingly.

reflect on that. too many friends?

just an activity filled life isnt stg good. i guess the word now is focus. i seem to have so much to upkeep now on activities that i feel that bathing and eating is a waste of time. my goodness.

i enjoy doing almost anything. which is why i am so unfocused.

so what should i focus on? God? doing things that God ask me to do ? what a wild concept, even til today. i've heard of people basing decisions on signs.. i cant comprehend to that. i dont know why. i've got a fren who smokes and has a christian gf, she caught him smoking under her house and said that thats like God's sign that they should break up. wow.

taking no sides here. just that i find it hard to comprehend. and i wonder how many people hav made wrong decisions misinterpreting God's signs for them.

finding one's other half is so difficult. i mean its like the sole reason why we are here, in the biological point of view? but then again.. i hear lots on now is not the time to have a gf. should wait til its time. and i find church people always advocated finding the right one at the right time. its like they are stopping us from finding gf before 23 but they start worrying we might not find one at the age of 27 or so. i mean. what? they expect all to find their life partner in 4 yrs. ?

ok. pretty shrewd remark there. its not totally based on nothing. i agree partially too lah. hha.

things like this don't happen everyday do they? the feeling of thoughts running wild in my mind yet struggling to put them into words.

waves of emails been sent sparked by a first pri sch outing. all of a sudden its like people who din tok for 10 years are starting to tok again. wow! thats the power of the human memory! its as if we could all be on hibernation mode for such a long time, we probably thought we'd forget all but as long as we saw each other its like yesterday that our lives just crossed.

Kuala Lumpur..

just came back from a KL trip with a few friends. spent so much time just doing nothing and eating and being laid back. haha. thats the life man, as said by some of us.

one of my close friends just messaged me and got disappointed coz i replied a 'f@#ked up' reply as mentioned by her. i guess i am like that with messages and people who really end up talking to me r those who either dun care or those who can tolerate this aspect. i must say they are really patient. the girls in particular. coz guys all functional one lah. task oriented. but girls who carry expectations? .. sorry... really. i am just like that.

KL was super gd. tho we din explore the area in 'cheong' mode as i would normally.. to maximise my time there. i still felt gd in a sense it was really relaxing and getting to know one another better.

came back and immediately went to 'family time' with my church grp, some'd call it cell grp. tonight was an important night coz 3 of our brothers are leaving the tribe to be seeded up into another tribe. well still in the same network, just that in a different cell grp loh. their admirable bold step. salute. one of them my close fren/buddy/brother for so many yrs. yinhuan.

i think sometimes the feeling of emptiness can set in at anytime of the day. i was bathing and i just thought i felt really alone. ha. in the midst of people. always like that.

amazing things happen. met felicia in KL. coincidence. just realise tt she's shooting in KL so i called her to meet up. wow. first time arranging to meet up with someone in a foreign land. an first for me. in the end. guess wat. we were staying in the same hotel literally. just tt her's was the permanent ambassy apartments behind and mine was the hotel in the front. wat the.. how do friends end up like that? as in. a 30 min meet up again? and then a walk back to her apartment, show me photos and bye? i mean. did we even talk? haha. well. i suppose the only thought on my mind was like.. what kind of a girl would want a guy like me? who's ona disappear like 8 mths a yr burying himself in school, who sends shitty sms's who cant commit to calling you every day and well.. not to mention the ever so familiar 'frens are more impt' claims i get from every girl. ha. thank you so very much.

God! i'm sorry. i'm not shouting at You. Y am i always sad? just coz life is tough? its not what. i am touring everywhere like nobody's business. whining? perhaps. but y am i always not happy? people have been giving me positive feedback abt myself. or is it coz i havent been listening to the negative ones?

or have i been listening to sad songs? and then just sink in and sulk at all the shit thats happening. tons of frens to met man. but honestly so i really need to meet all of them anot? i am really screwed at differentiating between whats impt and whats just urgent. hai. for wat?

是不是我可以做得更好？

今天是妈的生日，只在十一点的时候才打电话给她。。。 孝顺儿子吗？咳。。　

仿佛就是在过没有目的的生活。　

pri sch outing.

i went for my first pri sch outing in like 10 years tonight. organised by this girl who was once a petite girl who sat in a corner of the class. i remember her to be the slightly quiet sort, who makes those 'intelligent' remarks. haha. now shes turned to the voluntary 'monitress of the class' who took the trouble to gather all of our contacts. she could even tell us who went abroad and stuff. i am impressed. totally. respect! shihui. photos r promised to be sent to us soon. haha. we even have a contact list going around for updating. we had 3 solid hours of catching up with each others lives and stuff. laughing away at all the dumb stuff we did in those pri sch days. drew out a layout plan of the pri sch and stuff. solid. none of us had enough of the day until someone broke it with consideratons of transport home thereby having to catch the last train.

esplanade!!