i am really dying

hee. this is the first time i am like falling asleep in class. i am gone in this class. tho i wont sae this is the most boring class i have this sem.

oh my God there are all sorts of weird people in university man.

1 stone kill !@#$%^ birds

i intended this to be to yonghowe my MENTOR as per discussed today hahah. but then again i thought it'd be relevant to all, almost all who regularly read my blog and feedback to mi one. so well.. 1 stone can kill !@#$% birds! why not. its 243 am in the morning. i dont have a class tmr but have to reach sch at 9 am in the morning. @#$% and this is made possible only coz the caffeine still runs in mua budy and i've finally finished whatever i am supposed to finish tonight b4 going to sch to discuss the hw at 9 am in the morning. so i guess i have some slack to BLOG.

howe: regarding the qn you asked me today, i felt really down and out on sundae. honeslty. i sincerely think i must accept responsibility on the misjudgement. this is me. i always wana accomplish too many in too little time. i agree tt sundae was a classic example of trying to do too many and ending up neither here nor there. i am somewhat apologetic but then again, i din really have too much of an alternative. if you want the explanation you can read the appendix below haha. nah.. i can tell u when i see you. its mum and dad.

in the car i felt pretty shitty. i noe tt people are waiting for me, pressing me if you din realise. i've got calls from 5 different people thruout i think. appreciate the tone at which you speak. at least u tried to sound patient and understanding and all. "a bit late" deeply engraved into my heart. i'm not insensitive. every min in that car was tough, honestly. i already have the prep for pple to ask me how come i so late so on n so forth blah blah blah. and i know the family's been real understanding. i regret not having the chance to interact with huan's boys, the girls and so on. but i assure you that i love jason so much i dont know how to describe. people have been judgemental abt this i know. and i've at times struggled. but honestly, i dont need that extra affirmation from anyone to let me know tt i love jason. i know i sound self centred on this one. pardon me for tt. so tt closes the episode. i know tt people have been nice and affirmed me tt jason enjoyed blah blah blah. but i also noe tt deep down many would think tt it could have been much better. i am totally aware of tt. will try to do better next time.

on the drive to the party, i felt deeply enraged at one point. i told myself this is the way i am going to tell off anyone who questions me. "i could have just turned it down when mummy said no at first, but i pushed it and took responsibility for the use of the place.. i could have saved myself all the trouble of coordinating, being the middleman, but i chose to make it a rara one coz jason seldom has this kinda party which we enjoyed when we were young. i could have used my weekend 'efficiently' effectively' to do other things. but i chose to do this." i guess i just dismissed all these in certain control. i think its some form Godlyness that kinda woke me up. i realised those words come from the self centred me.

i wun bitch abt the lack of time tonight. i dun have time to do tt.

that closes the sundae.

the past 3 days have been crazy for me. i noe i look funny todae. pple's been asking me if i am ok. sometimes i wonder i pack myself to this extent, am i happy? i think i am but pple think i am not. i guess i just cant help it when theres so many things on my mind. but i really reckon that leading a term of this lifestyle would eventually be good? why not?

i realised i havent shared in a long time. and when i share i cant stop.

honeslty, a single dinner or suppper takes so much from me now. haha. i nearly gave up turning up todae to go home early to finish up on hw. i've got a KIV stack as high as a mountain i suppose. which normaly i'd be super secure to just heck it. but this time theres a research report that involves others. and i have to honour it. there r tons of things to settle basketball side. and of course. the never ending classes.

i called a friend to speak to for 30 mins. thats it. 30 mins. to just listen to a human voice. haa.

this is a pic that i love at the moment. someone told me today that i have to be super narcissistic and tell myself in front of the mirror everydae "i'm v handsome, i'm v handsome" i really hand it to the guy man. hahahhahha

Routine

This routine of blogging in the train is really getting into me. Such conducive environ. Isolated from the rest of the world from my new sony iso earphones.. haha. Perfect. I heard those r not gd for the ears tho. But anyway. This 30 min ride to school serves to be a time of reflection. Unless I have morning classes, then I’d have to just bear with the morning rush crowd. Afternoon lessons are so gd. I sit on the train! What a rarity. Nights are not conducive for blogging anymore.

I really enjoy this schooling life. Its much better than working life I must sae. Or maebe its coz I had to juggle between work and having an extremely active school life. Not that I have a lot more time to think this term. But then again. I think sometimes we need to have a change to enjoy the contrasting lifestyle. Like being busy for a while and thereafter really appreciating a life that has pauses here and there.

Oh time flies. I’m at bugis already, everytime I reach city hall I’d have to scurry to get my lap top back in my bag and stuff. Before I end up with my lappie in the trainJ

last dae.

This is the last day of my internship. Feels like I have closed a chapter in my life. When I said bye, they all asked if I was going to join them blah blah blah. And you’d know how that’d feel. Either its routine, which unlikely coz it’s the first time they ever had an intern, or it’s a courtesy thing for them. Haha. But aniwae, its real early to say anything, just as my fellow intern said something that I found really meaningful. “sometimes less is more”
And then again.

an ad hoc lunch with the boss and all the chartering team blah blah blah. Kinda like our farewell lunch kinda thing. Got to know this lady who was working for the same company. I presume shes like 1 or 2 yrs older than me max. and shes probably like one of the top graduate from her year in Shanghai maritime university, the other SMU. She is really interesting coz she’s from a maritime university, and she chose it right out of high school! Doesn’t sound like what anyone in spore would have done. And shes prob one who can tell my why I should be interested in shipping at such an age. But anyway we had a short but good lunch talk where she was sitting beside me. Echo is her name. how funky.

That’s not the point, I rushed back to school after lunch with me just having to tell boss that I have something on for a while and needed to go to sch for an hour or so. It was for a prayer meeting with the support grp in LKC. Another brief but awesome time I had in the same day. The initial slight uneasiness soon poured out to become deep insightful and highly personal sharing of life in the hols etc etc. thank Rachel for taking the step to lead worship. Its her first time! I did my first in LKC too Rachel, if that helps at all! And of course yihan for putting it together. We always need a connector like that for organizing something like tt. As I was praying for some things in the grp, and I stopped, I wanted to come back in. but in the end steve ended up praying exactly wat i wanted to sae. amazing!

batteries

haha. lame. read abt my own blogs and realised tt most of the time they r lame. wat reverse blogging. haha. later gana condemned. :)

ever wondered how the morning crowd looks like? i'm not talking about the mix of people u see on trains. i'm talking about the hardcore working grp that walks thru the CBD, suntec, those office areas. ever wondered how their faces look like?

absolutely dazed. soulless i'd sae.

i wonder if we r part of a harvest plan, like batteries used to 'power' the economy, much similar like those that you see in the matrix. starting to feel like a battery. i could stand in the mrt 30 mins everydae, feeling too tired to read, but just stand uncomfortably in the midst of everybody just looking at a certain space infront of mi for the whole time. i wonder why i am so tired easily. i sleep the recommended (i'm sure you know by who) 7 hrs of undisturbed sleep these few daes! might as well dun sleep then, i'd stil be tired aniwae.

what do i have now that i have taken for granted?

why is God so chim? why cant things be straightforward? why must knowing Him be a process rather than a destination?

i think i have taken quite a number of things for granted.

whats all these pursuit of things gotta do with anything? i feel gd buying a new shoe?

todae i learnt that emotions works both inwards-out and outwards-in. it is both reflective and contagious.

when will be the next day where i can lie down on the beach like tt? at sae 7 am in the morning? and just ... sleep.. zzz

every hour nows seems precious. but the more things you do the less you accomplish if you know what i mean.

My life in a flash

Its been couple of weeks of playing and working. Each morning I wake up with a specific purpose for the day. Often not having time to just sit down and not know wat to do. Today is a Saturday that I seem to be idling away.. at least for the part of the morning before lunch that is.. very quickly I’m already on the school bound train typing away on this laptop.

My life kinda just ran past me in the dreams last night. I woke up with a heavy head that seemed to be overwhelmed with the events that had already taken place.. they were so real I seem to have already ended the day.

Many of my worst fears, the closest people that’s been with me in the hols just came forth. And everything that I thought about them just seemed to materialize.

A friend just broke a bone on his foot. Out for 6 weeks. That also means that we cant perform for convocation anymore, cause he’s the show right. It feels so right when we love the people around us more. It just feels so right. So watch ‘click’. On top of it being a comedy. It just reminds us of how our lives can all be so fast tracked we run on ‘auto mode’ most of the time! And that’s where we lose people isn’t it?

I used to think, in fact I still do think and imagine, of how I’d feel on the day my parents would leave me.. its really scary.

the art of negotiation

recently caught a show on the plane called inside man. havent really seen it ard at the cines. grade B? not so sure. what i am sure, tho, is that it was awesome. simply clever. its about a 'perfect' bank robbery and a smart police negotiator. yah... u got it right. one of those police and thief playing mind games kind of show. i love those.

the art of negotiation.. have you ever wondered if there'd be a time that you could be of such great influence that someone would go from a complete no to a yes? i fantasize abt it so much i start speaking to myself in the toilet man.

this afternoon i am going to be sitting in another meeting with a bank rep regarding a loan. another chance to witness my boss turning it ard and his power of negotiation! amazing. and this time round, for the first of many, its gonna be a female banker. prepared for a rather aggressive one.

i am conviced that some things can never be solved.

i was haunted by those dark years when the financial problems in my house caused my mum to very easily agitated. probably pumped up by menopausal syndromes i think. (in confidence that shes not reading this. ha) my mum used to talk to me like i was my dad tho she did not curse at me directly.

today, probably 5 yrs after those, i got a call from my mum asking for my dad's number. odd. she never asked for his number all 22 yrs of my life. she knew it at some stage and would rather die than knowing it at another. odd. apparently she's told to pay a bid sum of money that the usual company owes due to income taxes or stg. and shes fuming. claims tt dad is acting blur and shrugged it off blah blah blah. the rest is unimportant. wat i am going to do is to read watever she has. and find out whatever info fr my dad.

i am so tired reading all those documents. i hope i get a job that doesnt require me to read but requires me to do! haha. not tought o find lah. sell coke bottles in Bali loh.

i realised that we r all pond frogs again. i mean as greenhhorns fresh fr grad, i think many would jump at the chance to do whatever job that pays them 5000? when i see the 'world', i realise tt there are so many out there who are earning bucks that are unimaginable to us! those are the people whom we see in those movies going to french restaurents eating vois gras or stg like tt. sounds like viagra to me! and we are all whacking so hard for this 3000 a mth job. not recognising our family, not having time for frens brother blah blah blah. the things that i see are really eye openers man!